Just how badly can you write?

See if you can match the efforts here.
The winner started out “A small assortment of astonishingly loud brass instruments raced each other lustily to the respective ends of the distinct musical choices as the gates flew open to release a torrent of tawny fur comprised of angry yapping bullets that nipped at Desdemona’s ankles…”

That quote just seems lame, not truly bad. Nobody could ever approach the master, Bulwer-Lytton himself. IIRC, he’s infamous for the “It was a dark and stormy night” opening.
My favorite B-L quote is when he was challenged by a critic who said that every novel should contain sex, death, religion, and royalty. B-L said he could do that in one sentence. He wrote, “‘Get your hand off my knee or I’ll kill you!’ said the Duchess to the Bishop.”