Jeez, jar, what’s wrong with traditional forms of Christian worship? 
So, so very wrong… THIS is why we love you…
Brilliant rant involving all the springtime religious observances.
But dear god, if roadrunner70 is onto something, DO NOT - I REPEAT - DO NOT HANG UP.
Give Harrison my number. I beg of you.
Stop insisting that Kalista is not there, instead you should give them a proper mindfuck.
Personally, I thought that your “KILL KILL KILL” would be a great thing to intone into the phone. Then gravely inform them that Kalista has been a bad girl and won’t be allowed out of the cage for quite some time.
Myself, I carry an on-call pager that gets a boatload of wrong numbers, often after midnight. Because this is an on-call pager I have to ring up each number and check to make sure the server room isn’t burning down or something. I’m sure some dealer out there gave out the wrong number because I never get a mispage during the day.
*Kalista, don’t use that number.
You don’t want them to call nobody else.
Send it off with a payment
made by Yourself…
Kalista, don’t use That Number!
It’s the only one you stole.
If you use it it won’t make JARBABYJ feel better;
You A–hole…*
As long as you don’t drive your fucking ice cream truck anywhere near my apt. 
[sub]Hail! Hail! to Michigan
the leaders and best…[/sub]
Damn you to hell.
Another evil thought: look up the phone number and mail address of your worst enemy and keep them handy. Next time you get a Kalista call:
“Hello? Uh…no, no Kalista here. Um…I never heard of Kalista. Weellll… dammit. The bitch never paid me back the $70 I lent her for the bus ticket, so why should I lie for her? You’re a collection agent, right?”
<<caller>>
“No, don’t bother, I know you are but aren’t allowed to say. Look, the truth is, Kalista owes EVERYBODY money. Her landlord, Sears, Visa, Discover…you name it. Including ME! She swore she’d pay me back right away. She said she was going to make a fresh start in a new place, and just as soon as she got a new job she’d send me the money. But have I gotten one red cent? Hah! All I got is this cheapass phone she didn’t even want any more.”
<<caller>>
“Look, Kalista is bad news. She busted in all the windows of this other girl’s car, and just because she thought she was flirting with her already married loser of a boyfriend. I’m afraid what she might do if I told you where she’s gone.”
<<caller>>
“Well, if you promise not to say how you found her.”
<<caller>>
“Okay. Her new phone number is [worst enemy’s number] and she lives at [worst enemy’s address.]”
– If Worst Enemy is male:
“She’s gotten married, btw, or maybe she’s just shacking up, but anyway she’s calling herself Mrs. Worst Enemy Now.”
– If Worst Enemy is female: “BTW, she’s calling herself Ms. Worst Enemy now, since no one will give her credit if she uses her real one. I wonder who she stiffed to get the fake ID.”
<<caller>>
“Your welcome, I guess. JUST DON’T LET HER KNOW I TOLD YOU. Bye!”
Hey, why should be the only one getting the pleasure of these calls?
Hmm… jarbabyj is refusing phonecalls asking for the fairest.
She sure can rant, but that just seems odd to me. I’d think anyone asking for the fairest Doper would be putting her on the short list.
Someday, when I get my own cell phone, I want it to play “Parade of the Ewoks”.
Mine plays the theme to The Price is Right. I’ve seen complete strangers hear it, think about it, then smile once they figure it out.
After being on there for about six months now, it has the added benefit of driving my wife batshit. And she doesn’t know how to change it. I’m an evil man. 
jarbaby, I think you should tell the caller that Kalista has been seriously injured in a tragic dowsing accident and is surgery in an area hospital, and that you’re on your way there now, and that you can’t take cellular calls in the emergency ward because it might turn off people’s heart monitors.
Wow, I’ve never had pure seething rage ooze out of my monitor before. Nice!
And forget about easter. What you need to do is track Kallista down before tomorrow and celebrate Good Friday the old fashioned way: with a crucifiction.
The *only good ringtone I’ve ever heard was “Moi… Lolita” by Alizée, belonging to my friend in Spain. (EVERYBODY has cellphones in Spain, for some reason.) The song is good, but for some reason it works better as a ring tone than any other ringtone I’ve heard.
(“C’est pas ma faute, et quand je donne ma langue au chat
Je vois les autres tous prets à se jetter sur moi,
C’est pas ma faute à [sup]moiiiii[/sup]
Si j’entends tout autour de moi
Hello, helli, t’es [sup]aaaaaa[/sup]…”)
My old roommate’s phone rang with both the Batman and Muppet Show themes.
For, oh, three years, I got regular phone calls for Pedro Cortez. Should I ever need a fake name, I feel entitled to use his.
Not to spoil the hate party, but… could it be a wrong area code? We got calls at my house for a month that we eventually established were mean to go to someone in (I believe) St. Louis…
Of course, as this is the Pit, the fucking fuckwads should get the point that they’re not fucking calling fucking Kalista, and fucking take your fucking phone number out of their fucking computer. But like I said, it took them a fucking month to realize they were calling the wrong fucking house in our fucking situation, so… don’t hold your fucking breath. Next time, ask to fucking talk to a fucking manager and tell them to fucking fuck off. The fucks.
My phone currently plays the theme from The Archers. I figure if people are going to look at me that way, I might as well give them a reason to.
You understand my plight!
My phone doesn’t play a song. It beeps. The second ring is three beeps. The third ring is five beeps. (They’re not all the song tone, but it’s a very simple tune.) I find it much much much less obnoxious than an actual song.
A while ago, I got a call from a guy who absolutely insisted that I had called him first. He kept telling me my number was on his call log. He was in some area code I’d never even heard of, and he got pretty rude when I insisted I had no idea who he was.
(Ha, as I was writing this, my phone rang.)
I used to have my phone ring with the “Mexican Hat Dance” then I changed all my settings to Spanish, to be more with the theme (no, I don’t speak Spanish, but you gotta learn sometime right?) Ole!
I used to have “Ode to Joy” as well, but I could never stop humming it once my phone stopped ringing.
Now I just have a boring ring. 
Our cell phone played the Muppet Show theme song. We were so cool. But then we got rid of it. Sigh…