What the hell is this, after all? This “Keeping up with the Joneses”? Recently Welbywife has been fascinated with this concept. I guess it’s because we have new neighbors who 1.) Are those do-it-yourself and do it perfectly types and 2.)Apparently have the boundless energy of a puppy.
It all started a little before Christmas. New Neighbor Guy (hereafter referred to as NNG) sits on his front porch watching me put up Christmas lights. Welbywife and I are modest decorators.
We started off with 10 strings of outside lights, given to us by my mom. We add two new strings of lights and one unique thing every year. The unique things aren’t really unique, just stuff we think is cool, like light up Santas and what-not. We figure by the time we’re 60 it will take a small fusion plant to light our house up.
So we’re at 18 strings of outside lights, a small Santa, and a couple of those little ball light things and we’re set for Christmas. Not NNG. Not by a damn long shot. He strings up (easily) 50+ strings of lights, a full display of Santa and reindeer on the roof, lighted candles in the windows, and a nativity scene on the lawn.
I observe his quick work and dedication to his task, thinking to myself “What a sucker.” Apparently Welbywife is thinking something more along the lines of “Wow, what a wonderful light show.” She breaks the tradition of two strings per year and buys 10 more, which I have to string up. We don’t look as good as the neighbors, but we’re adequate. Just to show me up NNG puts a freaking Frosty the Snow Man with a moving head and arms in the space between our yards. I concede defeat happily, because I hate stringing lights.
After Christmas NNG and his wife NNGW start on the deck. Yep, you heard me. A freaking deck. And they’re building it in winter. Snow? What’s that? Rain? Pshaw! They dig the holes for the posts, set them, and put the deck in over a few weeks. For those of you who don’t know, a deck would be a multi month project for me. At a minimum. There’s a distinct possibility that it could stretch into years. And it would look like shit. I’m gratified to see that they have some problems with the cement setting properly, but this does NOT faze NNG in the least. Welbywife begins talking about how great a real deck would look in the back yard.
After the deck comes the privacy fence, built by hand, beautifully assembled and cut. Even, straight lines, boards perfect, even little designs in the open spaces between posts. I note that it’s about 4 inches on our property line in the back. Welbywife notes that a privacy fence would be wonderful, since our house is positioned funny and three of our neighbors have a pretty good view of our backyard. This had never been a problem before. Now it has reached near crisis proportions.
While NNG is building his fence NNGW has been faithfully working in the garden. She’s planted annuals or perrenials or somethings. Whatever the hell they are they bloom in spring and are beautiful. Thier yard is an explosion of color. Quite a contrast to the brown and black boquet that is my home. During a conversation NNG mentions that he’ll have to start working on the lawn soon. . . after all, they’ve finished the basement (including a bathroom and guest room) and painted the entire house. They might put a new coat of paint on the outside in a few months.
Welbywife is seething, if not with jealousy then with a little bit of envy at the least. All of these things are thing’s we’ve discussed doing ourselves, but we typicaly plan in terms of months, not weeks. The total amount of work that our winter projects amounts to is a new coat of paint in the pool room and a shampooed carpet. And it’s not even an entire coat of paint! It’s just the bottom half of the room, painted to match the pool table’s cloth!
I begin to think. We’re pathetic. We’re not worthy of such neighbors. We should devote as much time as possible to making our home look as nice as thiers. Upon reflection, I decide that perhaps I’m wrong about that. Screw the Joneses!
As far as I’m concerned, those little bastards can keep down with me! As of today, if you’re the neighbor that has the crappy yard, crooked fence, or dead flowers, you can just say to yourself, “I’m down with Welby” and feel better. I may even start a national association of people who suck at home improvement. I’ll call it “Hire a Contractor because you SUCK.” The memberships will roll in. At $5.00 per pop, a thousand people will buy my professionally installed deck. Another couple thousand and the fence will be in. Yearly fees will pay for the landscaper and lawn maintenance. Finally, with the help of all of the people out there who suck at home improvement as much as I do, I’ll be able to keep up with the Jonses without lifting a finger.
As far as I can tell, that’s my only hope. In the meantime, Welbywife has begun sketching plan. We start on the deck this weekend.
