Narrad, thanks for that! I kept wondering why my friends and I were so abnormal, but that’s cleared it up quite nicely.
My parents kicked me out when I was 18.
I wanted to go to college. My stepfather didn’t want me in the house ('course, I’d known that since before he married my mother when I was eight).
They weren’t completely evil about it- stepfather had some connections and helped me get a job at a wire harness assembly plant (twelve years after leaving that job, I still have serious back problems) and paid the first month’s rent on a studio apartment, but really…
I had no car and therefore transportation to IUSB or the local community college to take night classes was difficult. So, I never got a college education and was therefore doomed to work at soul-sucking minimum wage jobs knowing that I would never fulfill my dream of becoming an archaeologist.
Right now, at age 36, I’m living with my mother ('rents divorced about eight years ago) because neither of us could afford to live in Las Vegas without a roommate, and we don’t trust anyone but each other not to rip us off/leave us stuck with rent, etc. I’m going to school to become a massage therapist (and taking full advantage of having my fellow students “practice” on me- it does wonders for my back). This on top of working as a cashier at Wal-Mart (part time- the highly profitable and terribly understaffed store just laid off about 40 cashiers and cut hours for most of the rest of us). My instructor thinks I’m a natural healer, but I need to heal myself first (work in process, and it’s a long process).
But yes, there is an attitude among a lot of parents that “when you’re eighteen, you’re out, I don’t want to support you anymore”. These same parents then wonder why instead of taking them in and supporting them in their old age, the kids shunt them off to a nursing home and never visit… Near as I can figure, this is an attitude that didn’t start developing until about the late 19th or early twentieth century. Before that, people lived at home until they had completed their education, or if they weren’t bound for higher education, until they had worked and saved up enough money to be self-supporting. Hell, lots of folks stayed at home after they were married, worked on the family farm/in the family business (thus contributing to the household’s income) the son’s wife moved in with the family, inherited the house/farm/business when the parents died, then passed it on to their kids. Even when the kids moved out, they pretty much lived in the same neighborhood.
The attitude that anyone over the age of about twenty who is still living at home is a loser is a fairly recent (in terms of human history) cultural development. I think it’s sad. A lot of poverty would probably be eliminated if adult children would remain at home with the parents, thus providing that extra income for the household. It would be easier to save money, since there would be less rent/mortgage/utility expenses, and one of the grandparents could pull babysitting duty while the adult children and other grandparent worked, thus saving child care expenses. Many immigrant families, mostly Asian, actually save up enough money to start their own businesses this way- with the adult children kicking in for the household expenses, even if all parties are working low-wage jobs, there is enough money left over after the rent is paid that they can put away a nest egg. Then once the business is up and running, the entire family pools their labor to keep the doors open until it becomes profitable enough that they need and can afford to hire help.
I think a lot of the problem is that in America, children are regarded as an expense and a liability- a mouth to feed, a body to clothe. In other cultures, especially Asian cultures, children are regarded as an asset- a pair of hands to share in the household work, bring in income, support the parents in their old age.
In my experience as a young adult, most people who get kicked out of their home at 16-18 (16 is legal in Scotland) it is because of quarrels with a stepparent. In some cases this is absolutely not because of bad behaviour by the child, it is simply because of unreasonable attitudes by a step-parent who feels no bond towards the kid (although possibly certain people in this thread think a teenager should accept the rules of the house and let himself get beaten up by their stepfather and not fight back).
If a stepfather with no idea about how to handle a teenage kid comes into a house, and no particular desire to make peace with the kid, it’s likely there will be big disputes, and if the mother is unable or unwilling to make peace, you end up with kids getting thrown out.
My parents didn’t kick any of their children out. We enjoy a good relationship. But I stopped living with them on a permanent basis when I was in college. Of course, my father paid for my living expenses (since he didn’t have to pay for tuition). If he hadn’t done this I would have had to stay home, although very reluctantly. I don’t think college would have been the same if I had stayed at home.
(Unless the only alternative was a homeless shelter, I could not see myself moving back in with my parents. They raised 4 children. They deserve a break.)
I think as long as someone is in school and isn’t being a freeloader (e.g., doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, doesn’t help out with the groceries), staying at home is perfectly acceptable. But I personally couldn’t do it. I love my parents and they aren’t that strict, but I love being able to come and go as I please. I love being able to make messes that I don’t have to clean up right away. I love being an adult. I don’t think I’d feel very “adult” if I lived at home, even if I was paying rent. And I admit it’s hard for me to see people who are still living with Mom and Dad as true adults.
pkbites asked for a case of a good kid getting booted out when they were 18, in spite of the fact that Melanie and kittenblue had already done so before his post. After his post, Tamex and Thea Logica gave two more examples. Here’s another one.
A friend of my brother-in-law came home from high school on his 18th birthday to find that his mother had boxed up all of his belongings and left them on the porch - he wasn’t allowed back into the house. He was a senior in high school, his mom was a single mom with no other kids, and just didn’t want him around. As soon as he was 18, she figured she couldn’t get in trouble for kicking him out, and did so.
Now understand, this was a good kid - no drug or alcohol problems, no gangs. Not even cigarettes, tattoos, or piercings. Honor student, who always thought he would go to college. But all of a sudden, he was homeless.
Fortunately, he had a friend whose family took him in - and I know that if not, my in-laws were going to. The family that took him in, were hoping, I think, that he would be a good influence on their own children, as well as feeling sorry for him. And apparently, he was very serious about school after that as well (in spite of going through it), and very conscientious about doing chores. Later, he got a job after high school to pay for college, and I don’t know what happened to him after that.
I don’t know that it’s common, but it’s certainly not unheard of for parents to kick out good kids at age 18.
Well, I don’t know about America, but in Australia the age that kids first leave home is rising.
Well, it’s your house, your choice. You could kick him out without any reason at all. But, have you ever considered that you might have some real control issues? I mean, I’m not a “piercing advocate,” but I’ve got to really wonder about someone who makes such a choice as yours.
I wish your son luck. Maybe it’s best for both of you that he had to leave before he did something you’d really hate, like have a girlfriend you don’t like or find that he has a different preference in icecream flavours.
Honest question gex gex – at what point in your opinion is it ok for the parents’ values to be considered.
You seem to think this is a minor issue and she shouldn’t have said it’s time for him to move out.
Maybe so.
But do you see the slippery slope? When do these differences become enough to say enough?
If it’s not the eye piercing, what is it? And then how does she justify allowing him to stick around after the minor violations of her values?
Seriously, I’m asking.
contrary: It’s ok for the parent’s values to be considered at any time. nuthinboutnuthin owns/leases the house, so, as I said, she can dictate who lives in her house and under what conditions. However, a statement such as, “he did not respect my wishes that he NOT mutilate himself” strikes me as just a little control-freaky. No matter, however. She could demand that he only wear pink tuxedos around the house if he wanted to live there, and it would still be perfectly fine.
However, I do have a question for nuthin upon re-reading her post:
People have been piercing themselves as long as I remember, even in unconventional places. How is this a “fad”?
Kick them out? KICK them out?? 20 seconds after high school ended, all four ran screaming out the door to escape their domineering, catholicosaurus mother. I would have had to nail their feet to the floor to prevent it…
I fail to understand some of the logic that is being bandied about with regard to the “rules of the house”. Or words to the effect that “this is my house, I make the rules, since I pay the mortgage and I foot the bills, therefore the following is not allowed under my roof…”
Well, heck, I didn’t ask to be born did I? YOU did that!
This is in no way condoning terrible behaviour in kids but the reason for disallowing certain activities/tattoos, piercing or what have doesn’t seem convincing. The kid doesn’t sem to have much of a say in the matter.
Oh lord. I don’t even have kids and I think this line is ridiculous. Because your parents gave you life, that means you can do whatever the hell you please? I don’t think so.
To me, it’s a matter of consistancy. If you tell your kid not to do something, then they do it, and you don’t follow through with whatever you threatened them with, then obviously they’re not gonna believe you the next time you tell them you won’t allow something. It doesn’t matter what it is. The fact of the matter is: rules are rules. No matter how stupid they seem. It’s not the rule itself that matters, it’s the fact that the rule was broken.
And gex, way to kick her when she’s down. She said in her post that it was breaking her heart.
On the other hand, unless you’re an independent student, your parent’s income and info are required on the FAFSA.
To be independent, you have to be 25, or married, or have a child, or have served a hitch in the military. So, if you’re 18 and your parents kick you out, you’re SOL and have to cover their ‘expected contribution’. Heaven help you if they happen to have a good income- you’re not going to get financial aid, even though they aren’t going to help you out. It’s a lesson, all right, but not a very positive one.
I moved out last year, at 19, after two years of college. I was (have been) a full time volunteer in that time. I got a meager stipend (160/month) and paid rent. My parents moved closer to me (how often does that happen) and I’ll be moving into the apartment above their garage. (I’ll be cool like the Fonz)
I did not, however, make the decision lightly, and I talked to them about it. About what would be expected, how things would change, and what kind of freedoms I would and would not have.
I think some teenagers delude themselves into thinking that “God, as soon as I am 18, I’m an adult, and then no one can tell me what to do!”
That is stupid.
Just the same, I think it causes alot of tension between children and parents. I could more than likely make it on my own. I have absolute faith in my ability to both pay all the nessecary bills and still be able to have at least some schooling. I have proved this point over the past year.
But I also am not going to pretend that particular path is the best one for me. I do not WANT to sacrifice my college, my relationship with my parents, and maybe my entire glorious future for some fabled “freedom” I will achieve when I am “out from under the parent’s thumb.” Sure, I can’t have wild parties and pass out on the floor, wallowing in a pile of my own vomit, there would be hell to pay! But getting yelled at by your boss or being yelled at by your parents, you’re still being yelled at. I’ll happily give up my freedom to catch hell from my boss in exchange for hot meals (no more ramen!), cheap rent, and the love of my parents.
Or maybe I just have really kick-ass parents. I dunno.
I hear ya CaptainHenreh. By the way, I was the one who made that “Whats so bad about living with your parents?” post. Because right now I am 22 and still living at home. I had gotten some negative feedback on the post, which was upsetting, but a lot of it was just up-front honest no bullshit comments people had, which I guess I can’t fault them for.
Something I forgot to mention on that thread, (which is appropriate here) is that my mom told me that I could only live with her so long as I was a full-time student. If I decided college wasn’t for me, then I’d have to find some other place to live. My mom’s family carries a tradition of helping and supporting children through school. To them, it is an extension of raising the child. My mother would prefer me to stay at home while I was going to college, because she does not want anything, be it jobs, rent, etc to get in the way of me completing my education.
I’ve come to realize that yes I am extremely fortunate to have this arrangement, and that I have to make some sacrifices socially. As soon as I graduate I’m getting a full-time job and moving out.
People who put down stupid rules tend to be less worthy of respect. If my parents had put down rules that made no sense, I would have thought them less coherent caretakers and respected them less.
UnuMondo
For all of my husband’s little sister’s teenage years (she just turned 18), she has snuck out of the house on a regular basis, lied about her whereabouts, left for evenings that turned into long weekends of wondering where she was, smoked like a chimney, gotten drunk to the point of urinating on herself, and, to top it off, completely ignored her grades.
She came to live with my husband and I for two years (three years ago), which helped somewhat because we were strict with her. However, when she went back to the 'rents, she slipped right back into many of the old habits.
Her dad (my FIL) has told her on a regular basis that she’d be on her own at 18 if she kept it up, even though she still has a year of high school to go.
Several months ago, I took her aside after we were at their house when she and my FIL had words about some of her behavior. I told her I thought he was serious and that she’d better start shaping up. She wants to be a psychologist, and my husband and I talked to her about how hard it was going to be to go to school even part-time and make enough money to support herself. We also told her that she’d pretty much worn us out and that we couldn’t offer her a place to stay, much as we loved her.
She’s stubborn, but it sunk in (probably because at that time she was about six months away from 18 and beginnning to really think about it). I won’t say she’s perfect, but she’s way better. And she’s still at home.
The whole point of this is, though, that essentially, when you are old enough to completely determine the course of your own life, you are old enough to take responsibility and accept the consequences as well. Many kids today get–or take–the freedom to make adult choices; sometimes, when they get kicked out, it’s the parents’ way of teaching them about the responsibility and consequences that go along with the freedoms they are already exercising. (Some parents are just messed up, of course, but I won’t go into that here.) That’s how life works; better to learn it at 18 than 28 (or 38 … or 48 … ).
My parents kicked my sister out of the house at the age of 17, when they found out that she was a Lesbian. That was roughly 1980.
If I had it all to do over again, I would run screaming out their door the moment I hit 18, and damn the consequences!
I had several peers in my teen years who did not live with their parents. One lived on a farm with a family from our church.
No kids of my own, so it’s never come up. I imagine that it would depend on the kid. Break rules and whine about how you can’t wait until you’re 18 and I’d probably be glad to hustle you out the door. (“Ok, you’re 18. Now prove it!”)
Then again, I would have been a much better parent than my own. As UnoMundo points out, stupid rules make for loss of respect, and my parents were the king and queen of “I don’t care if it makes no sense, I’m your <parent>!”
If you had, the answer would have been “no.”
As I have told the Kunilou kids, if you believe the rules are stupid, and you can’t come up with a non-stupid compromise, you’re perfectly free to move out on your own and set your own rules. I’ll even help you with the paperwork.
Like I said, Chimera, some parents are just messed up. 
Mine were.
Well, part of what you are learning from your parents is that sometimes you have to follow rules that YOU don’t like. It doesn’t matter what the rule is - part of a parent’s job is to set rules and make sure the kids follow them.
As an adult, I have to follow millions of rules, down to what color I am allowed to paint my house or what kind of pants I can wear to work.
I think it’s most cruel to to let a kid do whatever he pleases until he’s 18, and then have him move out and discover that the real world doesn’t revolve around what he wants.
Our daughter is only five, but my wife and I have already decided that she can stay at home as long as she is getting an education and is a responsible person who follows our rules. We’ll do everything we can to give her a good start in life.
But if she starts becoming selfish, disrespectful, and lazy, then the best thing we can do as parents will be to let her find out what the real world thinks of that behaviour.
It’s interesting that so many Americans left home at 18. I’m Canadian, and I left home early as well, but I was an exception. All of my friends lived at home until at least after they graduated from college. One lived at home until he was 28. Annother friend of mine lived at home with his dad until he was in his early 30’s. We have a female friend who STILL lives at home, and she’s almost 40. Another friend of ours is a registered nurse who has been working for a couple of years. She has a brand-new 2004 SUV, and she still lives at home. I’m sure she makes more than her parents.
Around these parts, young people seem to be living at home much longer than they used to.