Kid Advice - balancing intellectual curiosity vs. being a "know-it-all"

In My Humble Opinion
1

I need your help:

I believe that two of the most important things we can give our children are healthy self-esteem and intellectual curiosity.

To pursue the latter with my 5-year-old son (just starting with my 2 1/2 year old daughter), I make it a point to point out interesting facts relevant to our conversations (e.g., when playing with Knights - what they really did and wore; when looking at the sky, talking about constellations and galaxies - you get the idea), and buying and reading books that are fact-based and engaging.

My son enjoys this stuff immensely, and the Father-Son (aka: “Boy Time”) discussions we have. When talking, I try to impress upon him the huge implications of what we discuss - e.g., at times in history, there were no human beings, that we didn’t have language, or writing or paper, that we evolved from more primitive primates (aka “ground apes”), that the earth is itty-bitty in relation to the rest of the cosmos; again, you get the idea.

THE ISSUE: A significant percentage of this stuff gets traction with him and he is appropriately impressed for a boy his age. HOWEVER, he will then wield this amazement with his friends, and his Mom (“Mom, did you know we came from ground apes - you do know that, don’t you?”). What I am worried about is: a) that he is running around spouting this stuff - since the other kids aren’t necessarily reading about it they could care less - I mean, it isn’t Star Wars or Power Rangers, so it couldn’t be important; and b) his tone - he is practicing how to get the same “I’m impressed” effect with his friends, Mom, etc., and it can come off as condescending, know-it-all.

It has gotten to the point where WordWife wants me to tone it down. “Couldn’t you read more age-appropriate stuff to him? He could end up being ostracized.” I completely respect this concern - I had problems as a kid - but I love the fact that he likes learning (and he no doubt senses that I love it and wants to please me).

So: how do I keep the flame of curiosity/learning high, while helping him ease up on the talk-talk-talking and the inappropriate tone? What should I say to him?

Any thoughts would be great - thanks.

2

Being a know-it-all is a social issue, not an intellectual one. Explaining that other people don’t like to feel stupid, and that there are friendly “sharing” ways of sharing information and unfriendly “comparing” ways of sharing information… Lording knowledge over others is not a friendly way of acting. I’m not sure how much of this he will grasp (not a parent myself).

What is really hard for kids is when they hear authority figures make statements they KNOW are incorrect. One time in 5th grade I corrected a teacher on the definition of a “square” (she had said it doesn’t have to be regular… I pointed out that a square is regular by definition and everything else is a quadrilateral). Many teachers will not take kindly to this even if they are most definitely wrong.

3

Huh. That’s a tough one, and I’m not a parent, but I’d love to be your kid!

I myself had older siblings (the closest in age is almost 10 years away), and so as they became fascinated with various things they were learning in school, etc., I got the benefit of trickle-down wisdom.

My parents had the same concern that your wife does, and so ordered my siblings to “let me be a kid”.

While I can certainly respect that concern as well, it just seems to me that as long as your son is able to understand and enjoy learning what you’re teaching him, it can’t be a bad thing!

Plus, I can remember when my sister (who was, up to that point a veritable font of knowledge for me) suddenly clammed up and wouldn’t even answer my questions anymore, referring me instead to my mother, for fear of getting in trouble for denying me my childhood.

Is it possible that you could invite playmates over for your son, and get a feel for how he interacts with them (which will also give you the opportunity to curb any Know-It-All tendencies)? As a bonus, your son’s friends might also enjoy being privy to your wealth of Dad-ful knowledge. And if not, heck, I think it’s OK for your son to participate in less cerebral activities as well. How long has it been since you’ve made a mud pie? :slight_smile:

4

five year old huh?

Kindergarten? Sooner or later the other kids are gonna say something if he doesn’t already have the social skills to know when he’s being a “smarty pants” They’re probably not gonna be too nice about it. Does your kid know how to defend himself?

I think, like Auntie Em said, it would be helpful to watch him interact with others, or get the opinion of whatever teacher sees him do so regularly. See if it’s a problem before you fix it.

5

It’s all in how your boy interacts with others. People usually get irriated by people who air their knowledge, strum their profound air guitar and give unsolicited advice - anything desperately trying to say ‘I know this – I am better than you!’

It’s all about speaking at the right time and not speaking too much.

6

If I were in your shoes, I would definitely continue to explain all kinds of interesting things to your son. So don’t stop! It’s cool stuff to know, and he understands it.

As to the “know-it-all” issue, I can’t offer any suggestions, he could just be a really bright kid who needs to find some peers on his level. Does he have any equally smart friends? If not, can you help him find some? Maybe find some older friends?

7

He sounds fairly normal to me. Prime time to get excited about teaching him empathy. He can use those great intellectual powers to learn to see how others are feeling (did he look away when you said that? Did his ears turn pink, and did he stomp a bit when he walked away? Did he throw a toy? When do you do those things? How do you think he felt right then? Why?) Turn him into a social detective, and he’ll start to develop some skills.

Important point, too - the age at which kids start to lie is the age at which they can start to develop social skills for dealing with such problems. If they have the capacity to think one thing (I spilled that cup) and say another (I don’t know who did that), then they have the capacity to moderate their behavior for the sake of their social relationships. You might have to explain the benefits of friendship, but once they grasp that, it starts to really make sense.

Basically, you can provide him with some breadth of knowledge (social observation and empathy), and your enthusiasm for the process will excite him about it, too.

8

My father did the same thing with me. I’ve lost count of the amount of times telling this story has struck me as relevant, but when I was in kindergarten, I was asked a question that began, “A is for…”
The rest of the class said, “Apple.”
I said “Anaemia.”
Embarrassing as that may have been, I’m sixteen now and finding a lot of my courses a breeze, simply because my father taught me all the basic scientific concepts long ago and I’ve got foundations to build on that others don’t have.

So, IMHO, don’t stop. Maybe have a talk with him and explain when to inform people and when not to, but don’t stop. When he’s older he’ll find you’ll have made life a lot easier for him.

9

I don’t think it’s a matter of getting smarter or older friends so much as him learning, like others have mentioned, the socially correct way to share his knowledge as well as when he should just keep quiet. I’m curious if this is something that has already posed problems (are kids making fun of him? is he losing friends?) or the missus is just going for the pre-emptive strike. Regardless, I think she has some valid concerns, and it’s great that you’re willing to try and address them. I mean, we’ve all known a Cliff Clavin type at some point in our lives, right? It’s not so much that it’s wrong for them to have information, it’s just potentially irritating to others who are forced to listen to lectures on subjects they might care nothing about.

If I could suggest anything, it would be to watch your own methods of imparting this knowledge. It sounds to me like half the reason he’s so quick to repeat this information is to emulate you. This is a huge flattery, but also a big responsibility. Are you sensitive to his own “interest level cues”? If something seems to be less than captivating for him, I’d suggest acknowledging that—“Maybe you don’t really want to hear about steel production today, eh Timmy?” He should realize that just because something is interesting to him doesn’t necessarily mean it’s interesting to everyone else, and vice versa. And also that just because someone (himself included) doesn’t necessarily want to hear all about this or that doesn’t make them an inferior person.
Good luck!

10

Wow - great responses and thinking - thank you very much.

Hedra - great coaching on approaching detection of empathic clues and how to respond, and making that as interesting as the other types of learning. Also the insight on when children can moderate social behavior - definitely right on.

Belladonna - also great insight on emulating Daddy. Flattering or not, I am sensitive the possibility of my role on this, but haven’t been able to put my finger on what I might consider changing. You have done that, I think your hypothesis could have real merit, and I want to think about it, watch for clues when talking to him, and act as appropriate.

Thank you all - and keep it coming if you have other thoughts.

PS: My wife is being mostly pre-emptive - no real problems yet, but she sees signs. In most ways, he is a typical 5 year old boy, very social, with a bunch of friends and good behavior at pre-K (he starts kindergarten this Sept…)

11

I agree with most of the above - don’t stop teaching your kid, period. Just explain appropriate ways to share what he’s learned. Isn’t that what knowledge is for?
Unless I miss my guess, ‘age-appropriate’ stuff is the stuff ninnies are made on. :wink: Instilling curiosity in a kid is one of the most important things a parent can do, it makes for smart and interesting people. And if I can: make sure your kid lets a teacher know when the teacher is wrong. Nothing worse than respect for authority perpetuating a mistake. I can think of some examples of this from my own life, being silent doesn’t do anybody any good. What’s the point of a teacher being proud but wrong? I think people should be intellectually self-reliant instead of just trusting what authority figures tell them, since that is so often wrong… where would the people on this board be without that? :wink:

12

Heh. My son is about the same age, going to kindergarten this fall. He can describe the theories of Copernicus, Kepler, Galileo, Ptolemy (“Excuse me, Daddy, it’s TALL uh me, not puh TALL uh me”). His peers don’t really care. He seems to be popular, especially with older girls (you GO, boy) and is basically a ringleader, so I don’t think it’s necessarily true that resentment is going to occur at this age. That’s more likely to happen in Junior High…

13

WordMan, whatever you do, don’t dumb it down.

I have a four year-old myself and watching him learn is my greatest joy as a parent. Don’t worry about him spouting off useless information to his little buddies; that’s what kids do. He’ll learn soon enough what interests other people and when to bring up what he knows - that’s just natural progression as a social being.

14

Good point. I probably still have a know-it-all streak, though I think I cope with it better. Nobody really bothered me in elementary school - of course, I didn’t pay much attention to other people; I was more interested in learning and I was more concerned with the opinions of my teachers than my peers (there’s just no way of saying that that doesn’t sound pretentious; I was geeky but it’s true). In junior high and high school in some instances, though I learned to be more social, the fact that I was smarter than everybody was sometimes an issue. =P

15

Shoot, one mama told me MY kids would be ostrasized because we don’t have cable.

My philosopy is this : The children who grow up to be the most sucessful in life (however you define it) are the children who have adults (and not necessarily parents) who are interested in them, care about them, and talk to them. No cite. Just my opinion. What you are describing sounds great to me.

16

I have met - once in my life - a know-it-all kid who was the absolute perfect stereotype of what some people fear happening to a smart person. I was taking first-year calculus at university, when this little chinese kid bounced in and started yaking to anyone who happened to make eye contact with him. Thought he was someone’s kid… nope, he was in the class (about 9 years ahead of his time)!

That’s not big deal though. What was is that it took about one class before he started going into his smart-ass routine. I kid you not, before class he’d stand in front of everybody and loudly play a version of Alex Trebek (from Jeopardy), dividing the class into two halves and keeping points for which side answered the most questions he posed correctly (and personally providing the answers when no one knew). They were mostly country capitols and national currencies, with a few others thrown in. First few minutes was interesting and some people played along; they absolutely could not stump this kid (for real) - he knew everything.

5 minutes later we had enough, but the kid had no clue. EVERY FCKING CLASS, EVERY FCKING TIME, FOR MONTHS, RIGHT UP TO FINALS!!!

17

I think the best way to not be seen as a know it all is to put “I think” before every statement of fact.

18

Damn, accidently submitted by hitting Alt or shift or ctrl-tab or something… I wasn’t done!

What I was getting to was that the kid was annoying, yet he was still brilliant (needless to say he got the best mark in the class). A couple years later I saw the same kid still going there, so he either learned to tone it down or was still blissfully unaware enough of his image that it just didn’t bother him… no public stonings or anything.

People will most certainly let you know when you’re being annoying, and you’ll eventually “get it” regardless of what you’re brought up doing. Thing to be careful of is that the general population will try and ostracize a person if they show any signs, even indirect ones, of being better than average. So you can’t always use society as a ruler of how much interest you should have in what, because you’ll always find those who will think you’re too much X. Better it be too smart than too lazy or conceited.

Once all I had to do was say that “I got 85” on a lab exam to a bunch of classmates (who were asking each other’s marks) to have the whole group start giving me the “oooh, you’re such a smart-ass, brainiac, think you’re so hot” routine. Turned out that everyone else had done worse than me and I didn’t know it. Never even occured to me that they considered it bragging, but you have to draw a line somewhere at what point you stop caring what others think. I mean if you have to worry about not stating one number without doing research and background checks on everyone else’s marks before answering, the crowd you’re hanging with has some serious self-confidence issues that are their’s to deal with, and it’s not your problem for doing well.