It is heard from adult employees too. Many people seem to have a distorted view of the meaning of “fair”.
‘Fair’ means good for me. Apparently some people have the distorted view that it means something else.
Please don’t do this. My parents did this all the time. Every time, I was left with the impression that they were acting unfairly, knew it, and didn’t care. So I was left wondering why my parents didn’t care about me and why they didn’t want to help me with my problems.
Much better is “Fair isn’t when everyone gets the same. Fair is when everyone gets what they deserve.” When a kid says “It’s not fair,” it doesn’t mean “I don’t like it” as others have suggested. It means “It’s not even.” Repeating the above mantra every time the “it’s not fair” line gets trotted out helps to entrench the true meaning of fairness.
Without that, they grow up to be pinko commie liberals. And no one wants that.
cuz it funey, hee
Okay, once again, read the whole post. The time to discuss fairness is not in the store.
I think you mean “a five-year-old makes an Irish Setter look* focused*.” Irish Setters already act like they have OCD. That’s what Irish Setters do.
Interesting comments.
I must say that of the two girls the one that got the candy bar was looking pretty smug about it, so that might have made the situation worse. And to be fair, the protesting girl wasn’t making a “scene” really. She was just more or less insistent that the situation of her sister getting a candy bar when she didn’t get one was not fair.
Whether or not the parenting method was right, I don’t know. As a childless single man, I can say I wouldn’t expect to reward my children for chores, but then again, I’m not a parent so who knows, unless you are.
I was just trying to think back to when I was about five and would I have considered it unfair. I had sibliings but there was a big age gap. My next oldest brother was ten years older so there was no real competition between me and any of my siblings as, if I were 5, my 15 year old brother wouldn’t be given similar rewards/punishments.
So I guess I can “twist” this post to ask posters themselves, if YOU were to place yourself in the position of that five year old girl, and you didn’t clean your room would you have REALLY considered it unfair you didn’t get a candy bar? Or would you be using it as an excuse in hopes of getting your mum to change her mind?
I agree, but the question was not if the situation WAS fair, but if the child legitimately felt she was being treated unfairly. I believe it was possible, and perhaps even likely, that she genuinely believed that.
Kids at that age are very much into the concept of fairness, in part because that’s one of the things we’re constantly teaching them from roughly 2 years old on; sharing, taking turns, lining up, and a general understanding that there are universal rules that apply the same to everyone. This is being drilled into the kids all the time, and there is even evidence that the concept of fairness is hardwired into us. So the perception of being treated unjustly will be seen as being “unfair.”
IT’s NOT necessarily true, as some have suggested, that “it’s not fair” is a kid catch-all for “I don’t like this.” Kids have ways of expressing other forms of displeasure; you’ll often hear children around the age of 5, for instance, say “I never get to have/do X” when denied X, even if the statement is literally false. The kid is denied watching another TV show and whines, “I never get to watch my favourite show!” despite that they’ve watched it a hundred times. That’s a common way of expressing frustration with limited time and resources; at that age it feels in the moment like they never get to do it because, after all, they’re living in a really small time bubble.
Responding to “it’s not fair!” with “Life isn’t fair,” however, strikes me as being really stupid, because you’re telling the kid that s/he is correct in stating that it’s not fair.
I agree, but sometimes it’s the truth! No, it’s not fair that Savannah’s mother lets her eat brownies for lunch and doesn’t make her sit in a car seat and she has the best new toys and WhyKidlet has the meanest mommy on the block. Yes, that’s not fair. But it’s how it is. 
ETA: I try to limit my use of the phrase, along with “Because I said so”, my personal bugaboo from childhood. But that doesn’t mean I never use them.
If I were 5 years old I would think that the warden hadn’t explained the “chores for candy” policy properly in the first place and perhaps had even given more information to my older sibling (who always gets everything he wants anyway, without even asking!) So yeah, that, and the ongoing favoritism for everyone but me, me, me would make me believe I was unfairly treated. But a candy bar would set things right.
Now it’s your question that is unfair. Specifically, even for those who can remember a lot of incidents that happened when they were five (and few people can), virtually no one can remember their own thought processes from when they were five well enough to reconstruct an answer this question. Unless someone is able to recount an actual incident where they were five and didn’t clean their room and their older sister got a candy bar, and tell us how they actually felt about it at the time, any answers are going to be highly suspect. (That answer would be only moderately suspect - but still not unassailable.)
Wow, you’re absolutely right! Parenting is so AMAZINGLY complicated there’s no such thing as better or worse strategies for discipline. :rolleyes:
“If you clean your room I will buy you a candy bar” is not good parenting.
“When you finish cleaning your room you can go outside and play” is.
And manufacturing situations that emphasize differential treatment (even if deserved) just feeds sibling rivalry. If the girl deserved to be punished, there was no need to do it in front of her sister. It turned a moment that should have been about discipline into one that was about “fairness” (as the OP witnessed).
Here’s my guess.
I threw a temper tantrum and cried out for Granny.
('Cause she really loved me. Not these evil parents who denied me immediate gratification.)
The only reason I would have used that argument with mom was if I wanted a smack upside the head.
I’m saying that this thread is first about the concept of fairness and second about the concept of good parenting.
Bad parenting and not fair
“I told you, if you clean your room you can have a candy bar. Your sister cleaned her room and you didn’t clean your room, so she gets one and you don’t.”
“But it’s not fair she gets candy.”
Bad parenting and fair
“If you both clean your room then you can each have a candy bar. Your sister cleaned her room and you didn’t clean your room, so neither you or her get a candy bar.”
“That’s fair.”
Something nobody has mentioned in this thread - kids are very VERY keyed into one-upping and status in relationship to their siblings. They are always talking about who is older and who is younger, who is taller and who is shorter. Much of the “fairness” response is the perception that the sibling has one-upped them in some way. Even in the scenario described in the OP, the losing child may be perfectly aware that they did not clean their room and that resulted in not getting the candy, but they are also focused on the sibling one-upping them. In these cases, “fairness” means not being one-upped!
So give them a reason then tell them to do what they are told. The point I was trying to make is that I consider it important to make it clear that such a reason exists at all. If you don’t, then the child will likely make up one on its own that you might not like, such as “Mommy doesn’t love me” or “Daddy just likes to push me around”. If there’s no time for discussion, then just say something like “Clarissa did her chores and you didn’t, end of discussion”; even if the kid doesn’t agree with your given reason (and they likely won’t), at least you’ve given them a better reason to attribute to you than the ones they are likely to come up with on their own.
Yeah, but in reality here’s how it goes.
-
Clarissa did her chores and you didn’t.
- But whhhyyyyyyy??? -
Because, I told you, Clarissa did her chores and you didn’t.
- But whhhyyyyyyy???
-Clarissa did her chores and you didn’t, end of discussion.
- But whhhyyyyyyy???
*
-Whhyyyy Daddy? Whhhyyyyy?
-Whhyyyy Daddy? Whhhyyyyy?
-Whhyyyy Daddy? Whhhyyyyy?
- Whhyyy???*
BECAUSE I SAID SO; THAT’S WHY!
I totally agree that “it’s not fair” simply means “I don’t like it.” Also, a great many people on this very messageboard display this exact same pre-pubescent mentality by endlessly debating and arguing about whether something is moral/ethical or not.
This.
Kids are way too damn good at doing this.
Back when I was five, if I wanted a candy bar and my mother said no, I would have thought it unfair whether I had cleaned my room, whether my sibling had cleaned her room, whether I even HAD a sibling, or whether the store I happened to be in at that moment didn’t even sell candy.
My doctor told me I had to lose weight, lower my cholesterol and watch my diet. I don’t think that’s fair, either.