You look the little muppet right in the eyes and ask: “cite?”
So this morning, I told my 6 year old the story of Stephen & Fred (AFAIK, she does not know anyone with those names, so she could be objective). Their mom told each of them if they cleaned their room, they’d get a candy bar. Fred cleaned his room, Stephen did not. What’s fair for the Mom to do? She replied “She should give Fred a candy bar, and give Stephen an extra job.” A few minutes later, I told her the story again, but substituted in her name and her older sister’s name, though I did say I was talking about a different pair of kids. I said the older sister didn’t clean her room this time. What’s fair for the Mom to do? She replied, “I get both candy bars, and Older Sister has to do all my jobs.” Finally, a few minutes later, I told the story once again, but this time the kid with her name didn’t clean her room. Before I could even get to the question, she shouted “Daddy you’re so mean!!! I always clean my room! Sister is the one whose room is a mess!” Then she stomped out of the kitchen.
So in this case, she was perfectly capable of determining fairness in an abstract case that wasn’t connected to her (with a nice little added punishment), but as soon as she became involved, justice and fairness went right out the window. As I expected.
Totally seconded.
Do you actually believe any sibling combination on earth would really give this response?
Yeah, the one who didn’t do as they were asked would be fine with it, but…
'WHAT??? But I cleaned my room! You said if I cleaned my room I could have candy! I don’t get candy ‘cos SHE’s lazy??? That’s SO not fair! I can’t make her do it, but I get punished if she doesn’t???’
I think that would have been grounds for sibling murder in my family.
We got pocket money if we cleaned our room; according to my mother I was a mercenary little brat who would decide whether or not the payment was worth the effort, and wouldn’t make a fuss if I decided it looked like too much trouble then didn’t get paid, and had that attitude from a very young age- my elder brother was always the one who played the ‘It’s not faiiiiiir’ card.
“Be that as it may, both rooms needed to be cleaned.”
What the phrase really means is the parent is tired after reasonably answering approximately 14 million questions and then find themselves with a lack of time and/or patience and are realizing “why am I arguing with this child about cleaning his room?, DAMN, I got sucked into his argument”. Hence “because I said so” is code for “argument over kid, yeah you suckered me into your stalling for a short time, but now you’re going to do your chore”.
Sometimes I respond, “Because I said so, and I’m the queen of the world.”
If used sparingly it knocks them off balance long enough that I can make my escape.
Missed the edit window. Personally, I disagree with any sort of “do a chore and you’ll get X” parenting maneuvers. That’s called bribery. For a reward to be truly effective, it should be random, unexpected, and time-frame (yeah, I agree with the short attention span comments throughout the thread) and age appropriate.
The better thing for the mom in the OP to have done, would have been to have rewarded the room cleaning daughter immediately after chore time, not (as some other posters have said) possibly hours later after it’s already passed out of the 5 year old’s memory banks.
Some version of, it’s Saturday afternoon, mom has sent both girls to their rooms for cleaning, and the cleaning must be done before they go shopping. An hour later and mom goes in for inspection, "oh wow, great JOB and here you go 8 year old! here’s an awesome new barrette for your hair, or cool-enough-to-make-it-an-incentive toy type thingie (slight hijack, I agree with those who say not to use food as a reward, ESPECIALLY treat foods, that gives candy and “comfort food” an emotional connotation. And, in the opinion of many in the fitness and health industry that can help lead to psychological eating issues later in life). Oh, sorry 5 year old, well NEXT Saturday maybe, okay let’s go to the store.
The random reward without prior bribery lets the kids know that the chores need to be done because they need to be done, but it also lets them know that their work and obedience doesn’t go unappreciated. And it does leave a little secret psychological “hmmmmmm…maybe THIS time I’ll get that ____” tag in their minds for future reference. 
Nothing is going to be 100% when it comes to making kids do things they don’t want to do, so any parent who relies upon these tricks, as if it’s going to make parenting no muss-no fuss, is a fool anyway.
Agreed. If you are going to use this technique on kids that age, then the reward needs to be given shortly after the deal was set and the child should have an opportunity to succeed even after they mess up. Let Kid A have the reward when their done. Kid B will see the technique in action, hurry to finish their room, and get theirs too. Once they start getting the idea, then you can stretch the time between task and reward as well as provide opportunities for them to fail.
Regarding the OP: Kids are used to their parents covering for them and helping them succeed. In addition to the other possible explanations of “It’s not fair!” in this thread, the girl might have meant “It’s not fair Mom didn’t remind me and make sure I cleaned my room!”. It sounds like a silly explanation to adults, but to a small child it is logical.
What about, “When you finish your chores you can have a candy from your Halloween loot”? Do you think that is OK?
Do you think it is not possible to teach healthy eating habits and use candy as an occasional reward?
It’s kind of like the teacher who would punish the entire class if one kid misbehaved. Then that kid got pounded at recess.
And that’s exactly why the teacher did it. So the kid would be disciplined by her peers and make the teacher’s job easier.
Not my preferred method, but frighteningly successful, if you’re measuring by some rubrics (namely, lessened classroom disruption in front of the teacher).
Well, there may have been an unfairness factor which the children knew about (and the mother should have too, in that case) but which wasn’t readily observable to a stranger. For example, if the two kids had been playing in one room, that room would be messier than the other one, thus making this other one much easier and faster to clean. It certainly would not be fair to “pay” for having your sister come play in your room by having more to clean and, if you failed to do the extra work in a timely manner, getting punished/missing a reward.
For a kid that age, my money would likely be on “she’s got a different notion of fairness than her mother” or “she doesn’t know how to express something which is actually a lot more complex than ‘it’s not fair’”.
Not always. It didn’t involve any hollering, but one of the most embarrasing moments of my mother’s life took place on the day when we complained that Littlebro (“he whose farts smell like roses”) was getting a golden ride - he was not expected to do any of the housework that Middlebro and I did at that same age. Even Littlebro said yes, he was privileged! He remembered perfectly well that Middlebro had started making his own bed two years before, that is, at the age Littlebro was when this conversation took place.
Mom pointed out that Middlebro got extra help with reading whereas Littlebro and I didn’t. We answered “that is fair, though, he needs that help and we don’t” (M is dyslexic, L and I aren’t). She exclaimed “oh my, I’m amazed, you have a distributive concept of justice!” and retreated to the kitchen, where Thee Shalt Not Bother The Cook was always in full force.
We were 13, 7 and 5 at the time, though, and like I said, not hollering.
To CanvasShoes: I don’t think that random rewards would have been any better for me and the Bros than random punishments were. Or consistently being in hot water for things which didn’t get our classmates, friends and cousins in trouble, for that matter. Random anything was just disconcerting; a random reward wouldn’t have told us that we’d done well and what we’d done well, it would simply have told us Mom/Dad was in a good mood, but not how to cause that. “Unexpected” to a point could have been good (being praised for something which you hadn’t done before, therefore you weren’t expecting praise for it), but random wouldn’t have.