I have been troubled by this on various levels since yesterday and thought 'd seek the Dope’s opinion.
My 7 year old participates in a non-competitive flag football league at the local YMCA. This is not his first time in organized sports nor his first time in flag football.
This coach yells at the kids - a lot, many of whom are playing football for the first time.
My son is a huge football fan; follows NFL avidly, knows the rules extremely well for a kid his age (actually better than a kid twice his age), follows players trades etc. he is also a very good at following instructions, and is super focused on the field.
Here is the exchange he with my son yesterday that bothered me (everything yelled - very very aggressively):
Coach - Where is the line of scrimmage?
Son - Here. (pointing a yard in front)
C - Why aren’t you there? I told you once before. Tell me why aren’t you at the line of scrimmage?
Son - I got confused. Pointing to a soccer chalk mark on the field
C - Whats confusing? Tell me. So when your dad asks you to go to the kitchen and get yourself breakfast, do you go to the bathroom?
This is almost verbatim.
I was at the point of telling the coach to stop hectoring my son but something held me back. He has yelled more at other kids, but their parents never stepped in…even once. The other coaches I have dealt with have never ever yelled like this guy does.
As a side note, I am not American by birth and have been here for the past 16 years only, so my exposure to organized sports in the US is non existent.
Should I just let it slide? Son said he was slightly bothered by it, but overall loves the intensity of the sessions. I do not mind intensity, but targeted and individualized yelling sounds like bullying to me. And the coach comes off as a wannabe college or NFL coach. Reminded me of what I have see in"Hard Knocks" a bit.
Or should I have been a better advocate for my child? Talk to the YMCA? Write and email to the coach or confront him? Other ideas?
You should simply alert the group organizing the sport and voice your concerns. The guy likely doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, but by being alerted by the convenor, and not you, it keeps your son out of it.
He sounds like a total jerk. Are there other venues for flag football? I’d look into those, since I don’t think I’ve ever seen such behavior in my life. Then again, thankfully I have only been exposed to one or three sports jerks* while watching my little brother play, but I do agree with you that having people, coaches or parents, take the game so seriously or just being generally obnoxious really takes all the fun out of the game.
*One definitely was, and two of them quizzed me hard on my knowledge of the game when I made questionable calls, without calling me out formally, but I didn’t even want the linesman/clocksman job, and was just roped into it cause no one else would do it.
Thanks for the comments. On one hand I feel guilty for not standing up for my kid and on the other I don’t want to mess up something that he is so passionate about.
I think a chat with the YMCA people may be in order
It’s the coach who’s messing it up. And HE’S ONLY SEVEN. If he were in college, maybe tough coaching would be more in order. But that coach’s remarks sounded intentional-- to make him feel incompetent, stupid, incapable.
HE’S ONLY SEVEN.
It really bothers me that your little boy is okay with being bullied and insulted by an adult who is supposed to support and look out for him.
Okay. I admit this really upsets me. I’m a lot older than seven.
My son played Jr. level football for five years. I remember at first having the same reaction as you, but getting yelled-at by another adult built some character for him, so I just let it go. The coaches yelled at all the boys equally, and were firm in their instruction, but respectful and built trust; it is part of the environment and experience.
Having said that, the exchange you describe in the OP is demeaning, and a seven-year old should not have to endure that, and probably he does not know he is being belittled. I agree a chat with the league organizers is in order.
If you think coaches are the only worry, wait until you get to see some parents in full glory.
It is the parents reaction that has given me pause as well. In fact one of them routinely yells at her son to “quit jackin around and shut it”. This is Texas by the way - where football is a religious thing.
With regard to my son being OK with it, he is much more mature than kids his age. He skipped a grade and routinely seeks older kids’ company.
It’s not the yelling, per se. Coaches yell. For one thing, they couldn’t be heard on the playing field if they spoke in a normal tone of voice. They have to shout commands and corrections.
It’s WHAT he said. And BTW, if he did yell this while standing right next to your son, not appropriate.
After your son said, “I got confused,” the coach could have stopped right there. He could have said, “Okay, could happen to anyone. Don’t do it again. Otherwise, you’re doing fine.” And that would have been that.
But the last statement was intentional belittling. And it had nothing to do with the game. Why bring you into it? And asking, “What’s confusing?” He’s practically calling him stupid right there. A seven year-old isn’t allowed to be momentarily confused? Hell, what about college and even professional players who have accidentally made a touchdown at the wrong end of the field?
The fact that your son hangs out with older kids and seems to BE older may mean he’s just pushing this stuff down. Kids can be advanced intellectually, but still at their chronological level emotionally. But they’re smart, so they learn to cover up. <ThelmaLou’s hand goes up. I know what I’m talking about.> He’s at the age where boys learn to stuff their feelings so as not to appear weak and (GOD FORBID!) “girly.”
I’ll stop belaboring, but please rescue him from this abuse.
My only quibble is whether the age group he’s playing with is 7 year olds, or is he in with older kids because of his temperament and athletic skills? Because if the coach is coaching older kids then it’s not fair to raise the “he’s only 7” argument. If the kid can’t deal with the typical treatment of older kids then he should hang out with a younger group. But if the group is officially for 7 year olds, then it’s on the coach to recognize that.
That said, the kitchen/bathroom stuff seems a bit harsh for kids at any age. Though I suppose it depends somewhat on the tone in which it was said.
Times have changed. At that age we played football (no flags), softball, kickball, baseball, etc without any adults present. If a grown-up approached and offered to “coach” we would have found something else to do (likely “ride bikes”).
The coach is an asshole.
But I think the more important thing is whether your 7 year old son is upset about it, or afraid of the coach…
If he’s willing to let somebody yell at him, then let him put up with it. He seems to be having fun .
When you tell him “hey there’s a game tomorrow”, do his eyes light up with excitement? If so, why ruin things for him.
But if when you tell him there’s a game tomorrow, he hesitates, and looks down at the floor, then, yeah…you need to intervene .
Base your actions on the kid’s feelings, not your own.
I can not believe that no one has advised the OP to talk to the coach face-to-face about his behavior - in private (or with other, like minded parents), away from the kids. If that doesn’t change the behavior, or the coach blows off your concerns, then take it to the organizer.
The culture of football is that the coach is like a drill instructor and that being called a pansy by a fat guy in a windbreaker builds character. In reality it is more like an initiation ritual where young men prove their manhood by surviving tough situations. I am only surprised that it is happening to him so young.
Smart mouth even then.