Does anyone remember the sketch where Kevin McDonald played a writer who desperately wanted to produce hard-boiled detective fiction, but was forced to face the fact that what he was actually good at was children’s stories? I’d kind of like to read a transcript or see a clip.
The sketch is from episode #214 and but this otherwise excellent site doesn’t ahve that particular transcript.
It was a funny sketch, I agree, Kevin McDonald being my personal favourite.
One of my favorites of all time! God help me, I know that skit by heart. From memory… may be some words are off, but it’s definitely close:
Scene is in b/w. NICK (Kevin) at typewriter in a shabby little office, typical film noir setting. Crumples paper and tosses it out into a pile of other crumpled papers. Takes swig of liquor.
NICK: Gotta get out of here. Gotta clear my head.
(Gets up, walks about three feet away to what turns out to be a bar. SAM (Dave Foley) is the bartender, cleaning glasses, etc.
NICK: Gimme a whiskey sour, Sam.
SAM: Comin’ up. Trouble with the book, Nick?
NICK: Yeah, I guess you could say I’m having trouble with the book, Sam. Tell me. If you were a 4 1/2 foot teddy bear named Fuzzy, and you had to find the magic honey tree in order to save your village, who would you go to for advice? The wise old owl? The gentle giraffe? (suddenly hard-bitten tone) Or Kitty, the world-weary whore – who’s as smart as she is tough, and she is plenty tough, mister!
SAM: Well … I guess if I was a teddy bear, I’d have to go to the wise old owl, Nick.
NICK (wearily): Yeah, I guess you’re right. Just once I’d like it to be the whore, though. Or the savvy newspaper boy. Just once I’d like the villain to be the corrupt politician, instead of … Meredith, queen of the goats. Damn it, why am I so good at writing children’s novels??
SAM: I guess life is just a roll of the dice, huh Nick?
NICK: Sure as hell is, Sam. I think I’ll set my next book in Vegas!
SAM (chastizing): Nick…
NICK: Oh all right. I’ll set another one in Twitchy Hollow. Ya happy now, Sam?
SAM: Sure I’m happy Nick, how 'bout you?
NICK: Yeah I’m happy Sa-- shut up, Sam!
(Female voice from behind Nick): Hellooo, Nick.
Saxophone swells, Nick turns to see SALLY (Scott Thompson), the perfect film noir female in stilettos, veiled hat and fur, walking through the door.
NICK: Well. If it isn’t Sally Kesselworth. What’s up, Sal, come to see how a real children’s writer works?
SALLY (laughing): No, Nick. Actually, by an unfortunate accident, I happened to read an advance copy of your book, Bouncing Bing and His Fox Named ‘Sting’. And I couldn’t help notice the resemblence to my own unpublished manuscript, Jumping Steve and His Cat Named ‘Neve’.
NICK: Just what are you getting at, Sally?
SALLY: Just that it’s time you were edited … permanently! (pulls out gun) And I have just the eraser to do it!
NICK: But Sal! Can’t we work this out?
SALLY: Prepare to be … expurgated!
(Various closeups of Sally and Nick’s face as she prepares to fire. Then there’s a shot! Sam the bartender shoots Sally through a towel. Sally falls down, dead.)
NICK: Thanks, Sam!
SAM: No problem, Nick. I did it for the kids. (nodding at Sally’s body on the floore.) You want I should clean that mess up for ya?
NICK: Yeah, Sam. I better get back to tickety-tick the typewriter. She don’t like to be kept waiting.
SAM: No, I guess she don’t, Nick. (starts using a broom to sweep Sally out the door.)
NICK (walking over to his office chair): I guess she don’t, Sam.
SAM: Guess she don’t, Nick.
NICK: I guess she don’t, Sam.
SAM: No she don’t, Nick.
NICK (after a few rounds of this): Shut up, Sam! (starts writing) When Fuzzy caught up with Froggy, he was near death in an opium den… (pause) No, who’m I kidding, he was eating mudpies with Harold Hedgehog…
Again, this is from memory, but I’m pretty sure it’s 98% accurate. Love. This. Skit.
Outstanding! Thank you, choie. I think my favorite part is about Meredith, queen of the goats.