“70% shouldn’t be a passing grade. If every third thing you do is wrong, you would have been dead years ago.”
“Being ugly forces you to be charming, which is why attractive people are assholes.”
“Someday, there will only be two racial categories on the census: human or other.”
Carpe per diem: seize the check!
The richer people are, the more likely they are to be a total asshole.
“There are three ways to approach computer problems: the soft boot, the hard boot, and the application of the boot.”
If you want to know what a person’s values really are, ask them what they spend their time and their money on.
If a job appears to be easy, that’s because you aren’t the one who has to do it.
Should be muttered every 10 minutes when on your motorcycle. Very good.
From me I think:
the uninformed leading the trolls of agenda past the emotional righteous with those unaffected cheering them on. Words of condemnation flow freely on the blood of the other’s ox while shoes of white prance on second floor balconies.
The World is Round,
It is Not Fair,
It is Just Damn Round !!!
My ability to Intellectualize allowed me to Rationalize which got me Institutionalized!
The scariest thing in the world is a do-gooder with power!
“You know how people get fat friends to look skinnier? I recommend you find the stupidest, most immature, stubbornest, and loudest friends you can.”
“If you know I’m not listening anymore, are you still talking because of stubbornness or stupidity?”
"So you use Japanese to teach English? What’s the Japanese word for “bad teacher?”
“I’m not quiet because I’m mad, your anti-logic caused me to have an aneurysm.”
Reminds me of Ed Norton: “We have a saying in the sewer- water is thicker than blood.”
I loved that line!
“Nothing is the end of the world–except the end of the world.”
Personal creed, in this order: (1) Believe in yourself.(2) Respect others. (3) Have a good sense of humor. 
“Half the questions in the world have the same answer: Money.”
“I exercise my freedom of choice every election by choosing to stay home.”
“Assault weapons for ordinary citizens is like using a sledgehammer to peel an egg: I demand my egg be 10X as peeled as usual!”
Only a fool lets the same match burn his fingers twice. (why, yes; I do have problems with forgiveness.)
I LOVE that! I wish I’d heard that many years ago - for me and others. 
Stuff I tell my kids…
“The price of admission determines the quality of the participants.”
Explaining why the free park nearby keeps getting trashed, while the country club remains pristine.
“Prepare for the world as it is, not how it should be.”
Advice on college majors, career choices, etc.
“A few things are certain; Humans will get sick; They will get old; And they will always, always want to kill each other.”
Again, broad general advice on careers. Two of the most lucrative are making medicines or making weapons. Both are likely to be in demand for any foreseeable future.
I just usually tell them: “Wait twenty years. It will get a hell of a lot worse.”
Doesn’t really seem to ever cheer them up, though. I have no idea why.
I have always hated that response, to be honest. None of the crap that was foretold to me, along these lines proved true at all.
My body did NOT change once I had a child, my metabolism did NOT slow down in the slightest (now nearing sixty!), and twenty years later, NOTHING is a hell of a lot worse.
Whenever I hear this kind of view expressed, I hear someone implying what has happened to them is inevitable for everyone. When nothing could be further from the truth, don’t buy into I say!
I flatly refuse to worry. I deal with things when they happen.
I’m always telling people “You’d be amazed what you can do when you don’t think about doing it.”
And my brother’s saying is “You’d be amazed what you can get away with if you look like you should be doing it.”
To round out the Xmas siblings, my sister’s saying is “Two women working together can do anything. Three women working together can do the impossible.”
I fuck therefore somebody else becomes?
An inch is as good as a mile and a second is as good as a year…
Specially when flying airchines…