KY Jelly Up Your Nose... and other embarassing stories...

Today, I was having lunch with my mom and dad, and an old story came up.

When I was in elementary school, I had a serious problem with nosebleeds. They’d be spontaneous and certainly seemed interminable. It got to the point where I’d feel really quite ill and lightheaded. The ear-nose-throat specialist said that short of surgery, nothing would “cure” it, but that I would likely outgrow it. One of the treatment options, less invasive, was to use a long q-tip like swab, which he’d dip in liquid nitrogen, and burn the veins that were causing the bleeds. Yes, that means liquid nitrogen UP MY NOSE. It hurt like HELL, but most of the time it worked.

I have to admit nothing quite comes close to having the smell of your own burnt flesh right there, omnipresent, for a couple of days. The fun part in the post-treatment… erm… treatment, was that somehow, we had to prevent the scab from falling and causing the bleed to start again. These “burns” weren’t in the easy to reach zone of my schnozz either… noooo… I had to use one of those nasty swab things to get up there… and… apply…

…KY jelly. It lubricated, hydrated, did its job in a hypoallergenic way (don’t go stuffing aloe up your nose, m’kay? Bad idea, I’m told).

My mother, who is innocent beyond belief, didn’t understand why my dad couldn’t stop laughing when she went to the pharmacy and asked where the KY was found. The bleeds went on until I was about 12 or so. I never gave the whole process a second thought.

… until university, when a friend and I were planning a “safe sex” presentation for high school students (part of our volunteering program) in the Peer Help Office. There were a bunch of teams preparing their stuff for the following day and we’d just been handed a kit of stuff to show the kids. It came (!) with a tube of KY. I looked at it, snorted, and said, way too loud, “Hey, I used to have to put that stuff up my nose!”

I never lived it down.

Have you ever had to have KY up your nose? Or in other unlikely places? Especially following your doctor’s orders? Go on, make me feel better.

I wish I could make you feel better, Elenfair, and maybe I will as soon as I stop laughing, and laughing, and laughing, and . . .

Well, a friend of mine used it as hair gel when he ran out of pomade. We’d be dressing up to go dancing, and Keith would bring out the KY from the bedstand and start slicking his hair back. I’d make some kind of off-color remark, and he’g giggle . . .

So, it’s the KY that stunted your growth?

Dan I’m going to have to hurt you, now.

Eve Now I feel better… :wink: And a bit less… alone… in my KY misery.

Gingy ::: kicks you in the shins ::: FEH!

Eve, was that pre- or post- “There’s Something About Mary?”

Sorry, Elenfair, I’ve never had it north of the border.

Heh, the kids at school used KY in their hair when the prop guy forgot gel one night. The girl who had the KY in her bag still gets (lovingly) teased. And here I thought it was unique.

True story: I once used KY to lube my rifle when we thought the Iraqis might come across the border following 9/11. Thank God they didn’t. I couldn’t bear shooting anyone involving something of the sort. . .

We used it on the rails of the bolt carrier. Worked like a charm.

The KY tube looks too damn much like toothpaste when you’re hung over; that’s all I’ll say…

I’m confused - do you have sex in the bathroom or brush your teeth in the bedroom?

I’ve seen Full Metal Jacket a couple times. Which one was your rifle, and which one was your gun?

i used to have a lot of nosebleeds as a kid, due to over dryness.

Maybe i should have used that lol:D

the first i’ve heard of Ky Jelly, i thought it was a tube of candy jelly…

No, it was on the one used for fighting. Not the one for fun.

Damned if the fuckin’ thing didn’t get loaded full ‘o’ sand anyway. . .

I can honestly say I have never had to put KY up my nose. And I’m quite proud of that. I’ve had it in other…erm…places…but never up my nose.

For a second I thought you and lno were doin something kinky.


I’m just saying that it’s good to know you’re both totally normal people.

Well, for my definition of “normal.”


Haven’t you people ever heard of Astroglide ???

Great story, though. :slight_smile:

Heh…good point. Guess I should start keeping the lubrication in a different drawer, eh?

But as for your question: both, on occasion. :wink:

D’ja hear about the newly-weds who didn’t know the difference between K-Y and window putty?

All their glass fell out.

Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week!


Your mother should have tea with my mother. She has a prescription (god knows why - not thinking about it) for an ointment called Zovirax, which she is really quick to offer as a virtual panacea to anyone with a blemish of any sort. She mails tubes of the stuff to my teenaged niece for acne, to my sister for dry skin, whatever. When she offered me some for some ridiculous thing, I just laughed and laughed… because, thanks to Cecil, I knew that Zovirax is exclusively used to treat herpes.

One can only hope that the people she shares her prescriptions with :confused: are as incurious about the medication as she is.

Elenfair, this is probably limited consolation, so I apologize. When I was in highschool, I had the same problem with nosebleeds. (I’m pretty sure this was the direct result of getting hit in the face with a soccer ball about three times in one week. And before people start making smart comments, I was playing defense, and sometimes you’ve just gotta do what you’ve gotta do. Ahem…) I had to have my septum cauterized too, which sounds about like the process you describe above. It wasn’t painful, though, because they gave me some lydocaine first … so it just felt really weird to have long matches stuck up my nose. I don’t remember any post-op care, and especially not like you describe.

However, while I no longer wake up with nosebleeds every morning like I was after that painful week, I’m still prone to nosebleeds when the weather’s cold and dry. (And, as I’m sure you know, Ontario can be very cold and dry…)

Feel better?