Hey, Dawnbird, are you okay? I know what depression is like, and I know what it’s like to have no choice but to stay home. When I was first married, I couldn’t work either, partly because we couldn’t afford a car for me and partly because the cost of daycare would have eaten my whole paycheck. We moved to my husband’s home town, 1200 miles from my native Chicago. I didn’t know anyone here. I damn near lost my mind: I wound up sitting in the living room with the shades drawn, I couldn’t wear anything but black or grey because colors hurt my eyes, and I couldn’t even bring myself to go to the mailbox.
I went back to school, the scariest decision of my life, and became an RN. (Not a good job for someone with bad knees, though). Just having the option of getting out of the house and talking to other adult people has improved my life immensely. A person simply cannot be isolated for long before they start to fall apart.
You’re not crazy; you’re lonely and depressed. But good news, chick- you can fix it! You can go to school or any other place where you can associate with real, live people.
Dawn, everyone here has some good advice. I would start with the therapy. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy or have some mental illness; it just means you need some help getting through some tough times! Everyone needs help now and then and sometimes talking to a third-party can really help. If you don’t have insurance, see if your Community Mental Health agency can help. Or your MD-they may have some ideas on who they can refer you to. I also agree with Holly in her recommendation to go back to school. Most community colleges offer free career type testing. What are you are interested in? Make a list of the things you really enjoy doing and take it with you to talk to a career counselor at the local comm. college; you may be surprised at what kinds of job fields can correspond with your interests. Above all, hang in there! I’ve been where you are at and it DOES end. Nothing is forever. Unlike your husband, I don’t think what you are going through is because you are immature; I think it’s because you are bored and frustrated with your life and don’t see hope for the future. But there is a future and you can help decide what it will be. Not everyone is in to it, but I’ve found for me that keeping a journal helps me to sift through the emotional layers and sometimes I discover answers within myself that I didn’t know were there. I write down EVERYTHING I’m feeling, leave nothing out, no matter how dumb, angry, stupid, hyperemotional it may sound. Maybe it will help you! Keep us posted on how things go; we’re thinking of you!
One more thing- have you looked into the possibility of having knee replacement surgery? Most people who have it done see the quality of their lives improve dramatically. You might want to consult a good orthopedic surgeon to see if it would work for you.
Dawnbird:
The other advice regarding counselling and depression is excellent. I have a small observation on this quote, however.
A 31 year old man who can’t find his way around the kitchen needs to be taken aside each weekend and taught what to do in the kitchen. He should also be doing laundry, maintaining pets, cleaning the house, and whatever it takes to live there. My dad “worked” and my mom “kept house” way back in the fifties. However, when mom needed to get out or there were more chores than mom could handle on a given day–then dad cooked, cleaned, or shopped. If your husband is expecting you to carry the whole load, he needs some training in how to help.
Even if you are the primary “house keeper,” he needs to be able to handle those things. What will he do if your knees give out, completely? If you two ever intend to have kids, he is going to need to help out–even if he works 60 hours a week. (At 90 hours a week I might let him off the hook.)
(Sorry for the mini-rant. A couple of weeks ago, my wife’s brother-in-law was whining about how often he has to eat frozen dinners while his wife works second shift. When I asked him why he wasn’t cooking real dinners, he seemed surprised at the idea.)
Tom~
Good point. Dawn, it seems like you and your husband have different expectations from your marriage. He wants to play “me Tarzan, you Jane” and up til this point you’ve been going along. Since you’ve been in the military (not a traditional female role), I suspect you’re not entirely comfortable with this game. Marriage counseling might help. He needs to realize that your job of catering to his every need is leaving you unfulfilled. It also sounds like there’s some interference from his family- he needs to make YOU his number one priority.
I recommend plant torture. No kidding!
Plants are cheap, and they’re alive, and it’s not illegal to torture one. Grow one, and burn a leaf off, or put a hole through a petal with a cigarette. Pour a little vingar in with the water. Or berate it, threaten to cut off a leaf, and then do it. Slowly, and painfully. You can see it slowly die over the following days or weeks due to the abuse. The tirck is to keep it alive, but just barely.
Sure, the plant doesn’t really feel pain, but you can’t tell. It could be screaming on the inside for all you know. It lets off a lot of steam, just like animal torture, but it’s legal!
I’m a vegetarian, and I don’t like cruelty to animals or people. But anyone who wants to save a plant had better stop eating them.
-Quadell
Hey Dawnbird,
As far as the knees are concerned, there is a biogenetics company in Boston called Genzyme(I use to work for them). They received FDA approval a couple of years ago for a procedure to grow cartilage in your knees. It’s revolutionary and it was only being done at Mass. General hospital. You could contact them(Genzyme) and find out if anyone in your area is doing this procedure. From what I remember, insurance companies will pay for this. It’s worth looking into because it can change your life.
I would recommend doing some kind of volunteer work. No question that getting arthritis at 22 sucks. Hanging around the house by yourself all day is depressing and boring. There are people who could use your help; old & sick people who would love someone to visit them, blind people who need someone to read their mail, etc. I bet you’ll feel better if you help someone else.
Update: I am seeing a therapist, I went to another doctor and got yet another diagnosis on my knees (that’s five or six so far)but this one did reccomend a treatment that may help. I can send in my application for vocational rehab (college tuition) now.
At the moment I am a little detached, but I am starting come out of it. Everything is cyclical, I suppose.