By bravery I don’t mean thrill seekers or someone who needs to be a manly alpha dog all the time. By bravery I mean someone who, in an emergency or perceived distress situation, will quickly physically interpose himself between you and whatever threatens you. If there is a possible break in he will seek to protect you before thinking of himself. Some men will do this and some will not. Is physical bravery an important attribute in your choice of a man or not?
Not really. I’m rather physically brave myself. If someone broke in they would have a hell of a lot more difficult time dealing with me than my husband. It would be nice if he would help me out in a pinch, but my instinct when there is perceived danger is to throw myself in front of him, not the other way around.
Emotional bravery – now there is something remarkable.
I’ve had a couple instances in my life where my husband’s physical bravery came in handy. In one situation, it was more his imposing appearance than physical bravery that straightened things out. But the second instance was a physical threat to both of us. He was cool and collected and neither of us were hurt, but had it not been for him, it could have been Very Very Bad for me.
That said, I’ve never chosen a partner based on his ability to protect me. It’s a nice attribute if you happen to need it, but the need rarely comes up. It’s not on the List of Qualities I consider.
I want to say no because it’s more respectable but it’s probably not true. I’ve been in a few situations where my partner stepped in between me and something threatening and in retrospect I would have been shocked if he hadn’t. I don’t think that I ever chose a man based on that but I think that I would be very unhappy with anyone that had just stood there and did nothing. I know that it’s a double standard but there it is.
It’s not a big requirement but signs of physical cowardice are a turnoff.
I went out with this one guy once and we took a short walk to the Krispy Kreme. As we neared the building, a homeless guy standing about 50 feet away from us, and asked for some change. Not in a menacingly way, just standard. The guy I was with started mumbling nervously “Oh no, look at this guy, he’s going to come over here, hurry into the building before he gets close!” I saw weakness and irrational fear in his reaction, and that was a turnoff.
If we’re including “willingness to kill centipedes” in the definition of “bravery,” I confess the answer is yes. (And I feel guilty for being so stereotypically girly like that, but it’s just how I am.)
Otherwise, it’s not really something I think to look for in a partner. If the two of us were walking and confronted by an angry dog, I’d imagine we’d both try to protect each other – I wouldn’t expect him to stand in front of me and put himself in danger to protect me. He can get hurt just as easily as I can, so why shouldn’t I protect him, too?
While it’s not something I actively look for, if a situation like that came up while I was dating someone and they actively hid behind me, wet themselves, etc… I’d probably not be dating them anymore.
On the other hand, I don’t need to be protected, so while active cowardice is a no-no, actively protecting me isn’t a requirement.
I value it. My husband, while a loving, intelligent and sensitive man, has an inner bad ass that could and would slay a threat to me or my children. The “protection of loved ones” genes can appear without warning, too- I remember a scene at a ballgame, where a teenager was being a prick to me in front of my young child (after hitting us with thrown pennies- ouch). My husband stood up and explained that the kid needed to cool it or move on, and just the look he got scared his friends enough to subdue him themselves. The funny thing was that when my husband got up, my dad stood up too! The card-carrying member of AARP! My mom was horrified- “What are you thinking? You haven’t been in a fight since high school!” My dad simply answered that you always back your buddy’s play. I never would have thought it…
I contrast that with my BIL, who actually once hid in a closet to avoid a confrontation with unscrupulous movers who were shaking down his wife and MIL for more money! :eek: My husband drove over, and the stare-down alone ended the episode.
I appreciate it, in some visceral feminine way. Not that it’s a requirement at all, or something I actively look for, but I think I would feel like something was wrong if that trait were* lacking* in my man when a bad situation came up.
I realize that I’m a very strong and capable woman, but there’s something deep inside me that’s delighted when he does the manly macho-ish stuff. Couldn’t tell you why.
I value it as much in him as I value it in myself. Not that there has been a huge need, but for both of us physical bravery has manifested when required. Both of us grew up with very disengaged parents, which may be why we have never been inclined to rely on anyone else to take care of us. I don’t think I would have the same level of respect for a partner who wasn’t physically as well as morally brave.
Depends on the situation.
As others have said, active cowardice is a definite turn-off, but over-protectiveness can be as well. I’ve had one BF who practically engineered situations so he could ‘defend my honour’ - just drama hogging and a huge turn-off. I believed (and still do) that it was a manipulative game designed to ensure my ‘gratitude’ rather than any indication of his moral compass. Usually they were situations where I could have either laughed or walked away without any injured feelings on either side.
Intelligent application of anger / bravery / discretion etc are far better indicators, for me, than overt displays of ‘manliness’. But I grew up in a family where my Dad displayed that. I’ve seen him talk down a guy from a screaming rage. He’s had someone spit in his face. He does not ever get into physical fights, not since he was fifteen years old and regional school boxing champion.
I suppose, in answer to the OP’s ‘stepping in’ scenario, bravery is important - but intelligence and self-control have to be a part of that or it’s just machismo.
It depends on the situation, but generally speaking, I expect the man to be at least physically brave as I am.
I’m not saying it wouldn’t be good in some ways to have a guy around who behaved like that, but for me it is not really a factor in my attraction to a man.
If I like him, I like him. If he is the kind of guy whose response to danger is to make sure I’m not in it, bonus.
That said, I am not a fan of over-protectiveness or of deliberately exaggerated displays of ‘bravery’. If there was a perfectly sensible way to get us both out of danger and his choice was to jump in front of me and put himself in further danger to protect me instead - I would be unimpressed, to say the least. Like I want to be ‘responsible’ for his black eye and broken collarbone when we could have both walked away :rolleyes: .
Also, ditto what maggenpye said about intelligent application of said bravery. I appreciate a man’s willingness to attempt non-violent solutions to a problem before stepping in to punch people and I believe that such solutions often require more bravery.
Wow, I actually find it a little difficult to describe how I feel about this and all the situational variables affecting how I feel… It’s times like this I really understand what men mean when they say they have trouble interpreting what the women they know want. Sorry, guys!
In general, I expect the man I am with to be a bit braver than I am, and to play a somewhat protective role when necessary. That said, I’m willing to make certain allowances for irrational fears. I’ve dated two (married one) men with an incapacitating fear of spiders. I have no qualms smushing a wee spider**, but if someone is threatening to physically harm me or if our tire pops on the freeway and we’re both afraid of changing it with traffic zooming by, I expect chivalry to prevail.
**If it’s a large spider or tarantula, we’ll have to call my roommate. I am a bit of a princess(read: scaredy cat).
I would want him to change the tire, and kill any bugs/spiders I’m too scared to kill. I wouldn’t expect him to fight someone for me. I think that avoiding fights (not provoking them, and doing whatever you need to do to not get involved if one happens) shows that you have sense, not cowardice.
I have had 7 boyfriends. Hubby is #7. Most were braver than me. One, maybe two weren’t.
I will be honest and say I prefer the ones who are a bit braver. And I am pretty brave for a chick.
My husband is a big(6’5" 280#) teddy bear. Seriously, I think I have only seen him raise his voice a few times in 14 years. But on ocassion I have seen him get very tough, when hes had too. When I first met him he was a manager of a bowling alley and a bartender. He had to toss a few guys out for fighting and stuff like that. But he still didn’t even raise his voice much. I guess being big helps sometimes.
But this happened when we were first dating: One time he kicked a pack of kids out of the bowling alley where he worked, for tipping over banks of lockers. I was in another room and heard this HUGE bellowing voice say, “GET OUT NOW, all of you”, and asked the other bartender who that was. He laughed and said, “your boyfriend”! Wha??? I didn’t even recognize his voice. It was scary. But it is nice to know he has that in him if need be.
And, I have to admit…that it was a bit of a turn on, to see him that way.
p.s. it has been 14 years since then, and I haven’t heard that voice again.
[PC feminist answer deleted]
What everybody else said, really. Bravery is not necessary in everyday life; but clear cowardice in a situation where a thoughtful, violence-decreasing application of bravery would have helped… (so, no barfights)…that would not just be a turn-off, but a dealbreaker.
Say if I was attacked and my husband ran away terrified. That would be grounds for divorce. It would mean that at a fundamental level, he wouldn’t love me.
Yeah, I’m pretty much with the others here. I want a man who can take care of himself and deal with trouble as well as know his limitations. No bravado necessary, just a solid knowledge of himself and his capabilities. I wouldn’t expect him to step between me and every bothersome problem - that would get old really fast. I would expect him, if it came down to it, to have my back, just as I would have his.
I understand that everyone’s got their thing - particular phobias and hang ups. That’s fine, but in the long run, I’ve got to know that I can count on him, and there are times when that means physical bravery.
I don’t ask for anything that I’m not willing to give in return.
I am less physically brave than my husband. Once we were walking in our neighborhood and a large dog ran from a house, barking and charging at us. I didn’t give my husband a chance to be cowardly, not that he would have been, because I just stepped behind him! Poor guy had no choice! He handled it admirably, stepping up, putting his hand out, and shouting in his deepest voice, “NO!” The dog stopped and just watched us walk away. I was sooooo impressed! He is most tactful and persuasive, but his best diplomacy would not have helped in that situation!
That said, I have also stepped up in front of threatening dogs and hornets to protect my children, so it’s not that I am not brave at all. But I sure expected my sweetheart to be the hero in that situation. And he was. Yes, my feeling might have been tempered if he had jumped behind me, but he has proven to be one of the bravest people I have ever met, physically, intellectually and emotionally. I like him a lot. 
And although I am able to dispose of say, spiders, palmetto bugs or lizards, if he isn’t around, if he *is *available, I expect him to handle it.
I vote with olivesmarch4th.
My own physical bravery was tested once, sort of, when I was home alone in a remote area, and someone tried to steal our car. I “bravely” (stupidly) ran out of the house screaming obscenities at the guy. Lucky for me, he was scared and ran away.
If my husband had been home and had wanted to go after him, I would have begged him not to.