Laudromats: Outpost of Hell

The BBQ Pit
1

Yes, I am STILL shlepping my clothes to the laundromat, still do not own a washer and dryer.

I usually go fairly late on Sunday afternoons, which is a relatively quiet part of the weekend in which to wash clothes. But not THIS Sunday, oh no - it was almost as hellish as the Early Morning Suds n’ Bitch crowd.

First thing I noticed is we had a dryer hog. This is the bitch (they are inevitably female) who’s idea of a full dryer load is 1 micro-shirt of the sort Christina Aguerlera (sp) wears to show off her bellybutton, 1 pair of micro-undies that would be too small even for Kate Moss, and 1 other micro-article of clothing, maybe a sock. All of which are dried on the LAVAHEAT setting for 40 minutes. Needless to say, it take a LOT of dryers to dry a load of laundry with this technique, and she spends a lot of the time whining there aren’t enough dryers. Since she’s using 50% of them herself, leaving the other 40 dozen patrons the remainder, she gets zero sympathy.

Then we have the Loud Crowd, a group of 3-5 women off in one corner going on and on about how the lack of available dryers is yet another sign of a Racist Society and the Oppression of the Race. No, you idiots, it’s because we have a dryer hog bitch who should be forced to utilze no more than 2 dryers rather than 12.

We have the Jesus freak - “If you accepted Jesus into you heart that machine would not have jammed on you, requiring a repairman to use a wrench to free your clothes”. Uh-huh.

Then we have the lady who is screaming because the washer is overflowing with rampaging soap suds - “There’s something wrong with these machines! They do this every time!” Uh, yeah. Hey, a little tip - the only time you use and entire box of soap for a wash is when you get it out of the little vending machine in the laudromat. Those big grocery-store bought boxes? You, know the 5 and 10 pounders? They are intended for several loads. In other words, use less soap.

And we had the “helpful” little granny going around stuffing handfuls of dryer sheets into everyone’s dryer. And she can’t understand why people are upset. Well, maybe the big, strapping steel mill worker over there doesn’t want his work clothes smelling like his grandma’s, huh? Not to mention that fabric softeners give me a rash, which means if you throw one of those dryer sheets in with my clothes I have to wash my stuff again or else in three days I’ll look like I’ve been attacked by a belt sander. Not to mention one of the rules of the laundromat is you don’t fuck with other people’s clothes.

One time, we had an 8 year old boy running around to all the washing machines pouring a generous portion of liquid chlorine bleach into each machine. He was followed by screams of horror as everyone’s darks suddenly became lights. A bunch of us physically blocked the little horror (we didn’t touch him, just stood around him so he couldn’t continue his rampage) until the attendant showed up. His mother was pissed at us! Apparently we had {i]frightened* the little boy with our display of “mob violence” (violence? No… we had considered it, but he was 8 and we were able to stop him without restorting to that). Honey, it ain’t a Sign of White Oppression - first of all, half the “racist pigs” blocking your son were the same color you are, and second, he fucking ruined 8 loads of laundry!. And your concern that, when we confronted him, he might have gotten upset and spilled bleach on himself - why the fuck do you let your child run around with a gallon of bleach anyhow? This kid had to lift that jug over his head to pour it into the machines. This is just not safe.

Please do not harrass the nice Asian couple who do not speak English (they look somewhat Thai to me, not Chinese, Korean, or Japanese, but since we have no language in common it’s hard to ask for specifics) They are not making fun of you with their gestures, and yelling at them will not make them understand English.

Oh, and you white chain-smoking trailer-trash? The NO SMOKING sign means you, too. Take it outside. You keep saying it stinks in here - honey, that’s YOU.

Mister - stop oggling the baskets of the women to see who is washing male underwear and who isn’t, then hitting on the “isn’t”. Real fucking embarassed, weren’t you, when you realized my next basket had gorilla sized BVD’s, huh?

And stop staring at the women’s bras. I undestand why the 12 and 14 year olds do it, but you’re obviously over 40. If you have that sort of perv, buy some for yourself and fondle them at home, OK?

Who owns this herd of children? Look, assholes, this is not daycare, it’s a laundry. Don’t park your kids here and then go somewhere else while the clothes are churning.

Do NOT wash your delicate things in the washers CLEARLY marked “work and mill clothes only” then scream they’re ruined. No, the laundray will NOT pay to replace them because you are a fucking idiot.

Hint #47: If you dry polyester or acrylic on HIGH for long enough it will melt. Really. And you will need a scraper to get that shit out of the dryer.

And I am NOT a “lazy ass” because I wanted to use a top dryer instead of all bottom dryer. YOU are a fucking bitch because you think your special and get only the top dryers. And don’t get on my case because I told you to go to hell and lecture me about swearing - YOU started it. And no, I don’t want to go to your fucking church next Sunday to because just like you.

EVERYBODY - STOP HITTING YOUR GODDAMNED KIDS! ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE CRYING!!! :mad: I have never known the “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” SMACK routine to ever work. It only generates more noise and tears.

And lastly - if you don’t give me enough room to carry my clothes past you, you ain’t never gonna be able to get to the dryer.

2

Hooboy…did that ever work on me!

I knew when my mother resorted to that, it was time to STFU and play with my cars. Good times.
Anyway, that was a damned fine rant if I may say so. Especially the part where the crowd spouts off about racism. That used to blow my mind when I had to use the laundromat.

3

Blimey. Even my laundry woes pale in comparison to this… the worst that even happens to me these days is being attacked by swans.

4

A very nice rant, surely. And unexpected. I don’t often to the laudramat, but I usually meet interesting people, when I do. A woman tour organizer to famous Jewish sites in . . . China? “Of course!” says she.

5

This is the part where I thank my lucky stars I don’t have to use a laundromat. I would much rather put up with my INCREDIBLY SLOW APARTMENT DRYER than schlep my nasties to a public place and take my chances.

6

THIS is a story that ought to be told.

To the OP: Do you offer polite, courteous advice to the ninnies? I’m thinking of the Whole Box of Soap woman. (“Oh, dear. Maybe you put too much soap in. Can I see your detergent box? Oh, with these big boxes you’re only supposed to use one scoop.”)

7

Halfway through your rant, I thought, “I wonder if this person is from NW Indiana.” Sure enough, I was right. When I hear things like your rant I’m glad I don’t live there anymore.

8

The only person I ever cussed out in a laundry was the woman who took her wet clothes out of a washer and put them in a newly emptied dryer when I had been patiently waiting 20 minutes for one. I let her have it, and suddently she started the “no speak English” routine.

I once used a dryer next to a very strange guy, and found a T-shirt missing when I got home.

One unsupervised child actually climbed on top of a washing machine. When the attendant grabbed him and put him down, the mother called the police and repeated a case of “child abuse.” The police laughed her off.

9

When I moved to Fort Worth after college, the number one requirement was an apartment complex that let you use your own washer and dryer. Before we bought a couch, chair, even a dining room table, we bought a washer and dryer. We might’ve sat on the floor for months, but we didn’t have to take our clothes to the laundrymat any longer.

10

I’ve cursed someone out in a laundramat only once. Back in the day, when I couldn’t afford to get them cleaned, I was drying my 100% cotton dress shirts on low. The thing is, I wasn’t going to take any more time than a load on high because I was only getting them to the damp point (makes 'em easier to iron). Some old crow walked up, reached for the switch, and turned it to high.

When I asked her what she was doing, she said (snottily), “Other people are waiting.”

I replied, “Listen, bitch, if your time is valuable enough that you’re willing to buy me a week’s worth of workshirts, you’re free to shrink them. Otherwise, keep your fuckin’ hands off of other people’s laundry.”

I was responded to with a gasp and a snort. Shortly afterward, Mrs. Stof and I decided that a washer/dryer was the perfect anniversary present for each other.

11

Oh, boy, laundry stories!

The 'mat I frequent is a veritable roulette wheel. Which dryers work this week? Which washer won’t allow you to use the cold wash/cold rinse option? Is there even any water hooked up to that washer? Who knows!

The only reason I keep going there is that it’s the closest one, and cheaper than the next available option. It’s also usually not very crowded. If it’s your lucky day and you get machines that work, it’s actually convenient, plus you get to go home feeling like you witnessed a miracle.

However.

The attendants have a different concept of personal space than I do, in that they’ll smack me on the arm to get my attention. Usually to say “That one’s not working” after I’ve loaded and started a machine. We also get dryer hogs; there are only six dryers, and last week there was a woman with, I swear, one article of clothing in each of four of them.

Then there was the time the charming elderly woman engaged me in conversation on a day when it was a tad more busy than usual. We complained cheerfully to each other about the wait.

She then, noting the ethnic mix of our fellow patrons, explained quite seriously that “These people sweat more, so they have to wash their clothes more often.”

This is why I always bring a book. People are less likely to talk to me!

12

Guess i’ve been lucky.
In the 2 years we’ve lived here in my parents city, and had to use the laundromat, no one has been rude, and none of the things mentioned above have happened to us.

13

Wow,
my only current annoyance are the idiots (in the apartment laundry room) who don’t throw away the stuff from the lint trap and just leave it on top of the dryer. The trash can is right next to it, you don’t even have to move your feet to get the lint from the trap to the trash can, but no, apparently they’re saving it for something or other.

Now, I’m thankful I don’t have to deal with any of the stuff written above. Very thankful. Perhaps I’ll go do a load of clothes in gratitude.

14

I no longer have to use the laundramat, but my mom still does for drying. (No room in the house for a dryer too)

Now for my story.

I had just graduated from high school and had gotten a job at the grocery store as a cashier to save up money to go to college. My mother and I had gone to the laundramat to do the clothes. After loading, we sat our things on a table and went to the store next door to buy pop and some scratch off lottery tickets.

When we got back, we found somebody elses stuff on our table with ours. This is not a busy laundramat, there were plenty of other tables free. The only thing I can think of why she wanted that table is that it was one of a few with a rod to hang stuff on. My mother hangs everything but socks and skivvies, that’s why we sat our stuff there.

When the owner of the things came back, I found out it was the lead cashier at my store. My new boss. My mother told her politely but firmly that our stuff was there first and that she needed to move her things. After a brief stare down, she moved her stuff.

I was fired two days later. I was told it was for taking a bad check. Somebody who worked at that store told me that nobody gets fired for taking one bad check.

The bitch ended up getting fired for stealing later on. A couple of years ago, the owner of the store offered me the managers job in produce. I didn’t take it. Not because of what happened though.

15

When I was in the Navy, in San Diego, Tranquilis and I would do laundry, on a Sat or Sun off the ship or base. Sometimes we were laundering Uniforms, alot of times it would be Civilian Clothes. We were dating, not married, I was maybe 21, 22, or 23, he was 26, 27, or 28. But, unfortunately for me I looked/look young (like 16), and Tranq looked older (like 35), an older woman was doing laundry as well. She congratulated Tranq on getting a young girl and training her, how to do laundry and other things.
She failed to see my uniforms, and assumed that I was a child bride, I was in ear shot of the verbal exchange, and I chimed in by telling this stupid bitch, that I was 35 and he was 25, and told him not to screw up my laundry, especially my favorite clothes and uniforms. As we were leaving, he goes now what do you want to do, and I go “Let’s go have dinner and get a room and have sex”, right in front of her. Tranq was a good sport, while I was giving this lady what-for.

16

The laundromat that I frequent is right near a crack-infested area of town. However, it is clean, and everything works. There is an attendant there to help if you need help, and there aren’t any racial problems among the customers. Plus, it’s air conditioned and roach-free.

I hadn’t used a laundromat for 15 years or so until I moved here, and I’m glad I found this one. Nobody touches my stuff, nobody that I know of has had anything stolen. It still sucks, though, because it’s the laundromat.

17

I’m pretty sure I have been to the laundromat in question, I think, and if it is the one I’m thinking about, Broomstick may have left out a salient piece of information: The floors are so filthy if you allow a single article of clothing to hit the floor it makes you want to burn the whole load. I’m sure there are enough roach eggs under the edges of the machines to repopulate all the planets within a 300 light year radius in seconds.

My personal vision of hell? this laundromat, in LaGuardia Airport, During peak travel time. Washing my ex-wife’s oversized white cotton panties. While wearing those big foam hands. All the machines are work washers.

Great rant!

18

My best friend was accidentally the perpetrator of a laundromat crime. Or rather, a dorm laundry room crime. She threw her clothes into an empty dryer, dried them, threw them in a basket, and put the basket in her room. She didn’t touch it for a few days. When she went to fold it, she discovered that someone else’s clothes were mixed with hers! She figured that the other person’s tiny clothes were probably in the dryer already, and she failed to notice them before she put her own clothes in.

So, she went to put the purloined garments back in the laundry room, and found that it was plastered with signs saying “To the [expletive] that stole my clothes: You better give them back or I’m going to kick your ass!” and other such lovely sentiments. She dropped the clothes on the counter and exited as quickly as possible.

Turns out the clothes belonged to a girl who was in her major, and for the next 4 years and even after she graduated, she often crossed paths with the victim of her accidental crime. And she always had to wonder if the girl knew that she was the theif. And if she ever were to find out, would she kick her ass? To this day, if she hears mention of the name of the owner of the clothes, she shudders with a mix of guilt and fear.

19

When I did my laundry yesterday I got to experience a college freshman doing laundry with her mom (was BU’s homecoming weekend) at the laundromat. Freshman (a girl) had previously done laundry in the dorm laundry room, but apparently the presence of Mom required her to do laundry at my laundromat instead.

She had three pairs of fairly-light-never-been-washed-before blue jeans, and she insisted on washing each one in a separate washer so that they wouldn’t contaminate each others’ shades of blue! That’s 3 washers, plus a load of whites, a load of other colors, and a load of delicates. And this place was crazy busy.

What really bothered me about it was her mother didn’t try to convince her that the jeans might do ok all together, or say anything to her about the number of washers she was hogging. She just placidly shelled out $1.50 a load to wash one pair of jeans at a time.

I was done then so I didn’t get to see if they were dryer hogs, too.

20

The kid ruining the clothes-I would have insisted that the mother pay for my ruined clothes. I don’t have that much stuff-money’s tight. I would have been so pissed. I probably would have insisted the laundry mat make her or something.

And if I had been in charge of that laundry mat, I would have told her never EVER to come back. EVER.