Link here.
WTF? Was the donut shop about to close or something? What a fucked up way to learn about the death of your son.
Jesus.
Was the man raised by wolves?
Grieving people are so touchy. Any way you learn about a loved one’s death is going to feel fucked up.
The problem with this is not that learning about it voice mail is any more fucked up than anything else, but that it’s not police proceedure: they are supposed to do it in person just in case the loved one is a) suicidal or a danger to others or b) responsible for the death and the police want to control information for investigative purposes.
Given that grieving people are so touchy, Apos (gosh, you’d think they could grow a thicker skin or something … I mean, it’s not like anyone DIED, for fuck’s sake…), perhaps it would have been a touch wiser to actually personally contact the woman … by, say, showing up at her home or actually speaking with her on the phone vs. leaving voice mail. I have yet to be notified of a relative’s death by phone … wait, no, I have been. Twice, I think. And both times my parents had the good sense to make sure I was on the phone. Fortunately I was in the dorm (expecting the death) for both calls, but I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have left a message with anyone.
There is something fucked up about this. But it ain’t with the woman who lost her son.
Probably didn’t mean any harm, just incredibly stupid. You’d think with all the training, workshops, seminars, etc. that public employees have to attend (I refer to all workplace education collectively as “How to Shit/How to Piss”) there’d be a seminar on How To Tactfully Tell Someone About a Death. I mean, it must be a somewhat routine part of a cop’s job.
This really story really caught my eye because I was in a similar situation at the beginning of this year. My Mom called me at 2:00am or so and told me my Dad had a heart attack and died.
I told her to try and calm down and go home; I’ll call my sister to tell her what happened. So I tried to mentally steel myself for the hardest phone call imaginable.
Well, I called over and over, and no answer. Both her home number and her cell phone. I left several messages, but just to call me right away. For maybe the tiniest instant did I consider saying what happened in any of the messages, but immediately realized that was NOT the way to go. It is just wrong,wrong,wrong to hear that a loved one has died from a message, and not a live person.
Turns out they thought it was a wrong number (30 times in a row? :rolleyes: I’m still pissed about that…) which is why they didn’t answer…
I figure that procedure would be to contact the jurisdiction where the surviving family member resides. This happens all the time, be it out of state or out of precinct. Informing family members is what police chaplins are for. Smaller departments designate people to do it. Yep. Dude screwed up.
This reminds me of another scenario which I fear is pretty common:
Stone-faced policeman shows up at mother’s door at an unlikely hour.
“Mrs. Johnson?”
“Yes?”
“Do you currently have a son named Charles A. Johnson?”
“Yes, what’s the matter?”
“Charles Adam Johnson, address 123 Main Street?”
“Oh my God, did something happen to him?”
“When’s the last time you spoke with him, ma’am?”
“LAST WEEK, IS HE ALL RIGHT?”
“I’m sorry to have to tell you this, ma’am, but we need to speak with your son regarding some outstanding parking tickets.”
[faints dead away]
It’s a crappy way to learn about a death. And, really, it should be somehow reprimanded; it’s just damned stupid.
Side note: I found out about my grandma’s death over the phone. My grandpa called when he found her dead on the couch, and I was the one who picked up the phone. After asking “what’s wrong” twice, he told me. I thought he was kidding. I still feel bad about that. Over the phone is really, REALLY not the way to learn about these things if it’s all all possible.
How should it have been handled? I mean, is there any right answer, or just ways that are less wrong?
“Hello, this is the xyz police department. Please call us at 123-456-7890 as soon as you can.” Ack! Talk about nasty suspense…
I’m reminded of the telegrams that the military used in WWII… “We regret to inform you…” What more needs to be said?
Trinopus
And of course, this was in response to Apos saying this:
When you read the word “so” above, you could possibly think that Apos was being a callous prick. So, maybe he deserves a good blasting.
But then Apos continued:
So, not only did Apos clarify his position (in the same post!), but he explained exactly why the cop was in the wrong!
Not that he needs me to defend him or anything, but I’ve got free time at the office, and this annoyed me.
10,000 posts iampahuna. You think you’d actually read all the way through someone else’s.
-Joe
You know, i was thinking about this. According to the story i linked to in the OP
While this would not be an ideal situation, i still think it’s better than a voice message informing the person of the death.
And, as Apos said, if nothing else the cop should have followed his department’s standard procedure.
This happened to me last year. A woman called up and said, “I have you down as an emergency contact for your father.”
My father was in Pakistan at the time! I freaked out. It turned out she was trying to sell me an alarm system.
I’m already fucking alarmed, thank you!
[hijack] There’s an infamous incident in my family regarding phones and messages. My brother was at a school camp on Catalina Island, and my mother, having managed to secure the family car for the day, went out to go shopping. When she returned home, this is what she found on the answering machine:
“Ms. Blink, this is Betty Smith calling from the office at XYZ Elementary School. Please call us back at 555-1212 as soon as you can.”
Next message, from my dad:
“It’s okay, everything’s fine, [BrotherBlink] is okay, they airlifted him out, he’s gonna be okay …”
Then another message from my dad:
“All right, the doctors say it’s not serious, [BrotherBlink] is all right, he’s right here …”
Turns out my brother had dislocated his collarbone playing tackle frisbee and got a helicopter ride to a hospital. Since none of the messages actually told her what happened, by the third message Mom was freaking out. “What the hell happened to my son?!”
Now, of course, any time my brother or I calls home about an injury or whatever, we start off with “It’s okay, I’m fine, the doctor says I’ll be all right …”
[/byejack]
I can’t imagine getting a freaking voicemail from the cops about someone’s death. I hope the officer responsible understands just why it was an insensitive thing to do.
Similar thing happened to me - I had an unlisted number, and got a call “This is the long distance operator. Do you know a ‘Jane Smith (friend of my parents)’?”
yes. “she needs you to call her immediately about a family emergency at this number”
and her phone was busy.
She was calling to tell me my mom had died.
THe police actually were used to notify my brother (who was on a sales trip out of town), but they had to go through his girlfriend to get his intinerary. she was at work “Diane, the police are on the phone and they need to talk to you???”
RE: the incident in the OP - my guess is that there was a combination of ‘new guy’ who hadn’t been through adequate training + he’d not been in the position of notifying anyone before. “call her, tell her that her son’s died. If she’s not there, leave a message”…
When a visiting friend of mine fell to his death from the top a nearby mountain, the police left us a message to, “Please contact the Coroner’s Office regarding an accident involving <friends name here>”. Pure Horror.
No, there is no “right”, or less painful way to be notified. My mom got notice of my dad’s death because (bear with me, convoluted story here) the next-door neighbor’s son-in-law was a foreman at the plant where my dad worked. Mom was at the cemetery three towns over, placing flowers on her parents’ graves for Memorial Day, when my dad had The Big Heart Attack and keeled over. So the neighbors’ son-in-law called the next-door neighbor, who alerted his live-in girlfriend, to catch my mom in the driveway BEFORE she went in the house and possibly listened to anything on the answering machine. (It turned out, there was nothing on the machine, except for about 18 hang-ups from the factory. Nobody knew what to say to my mom, it seems.:rolleyes: )
Yipes. The whole situation was so fraught with pitfalls, and it was horrible in the end anyway. So, how could it have been worse? My dad died, and nothing could have prevented it. Sensitivity is good; I would venture to say that everyone agrees about that. But some people are less accustomed to dealing with death than others, and law enforcement people are still people. Let’s not hang the guy for being insensitive. People have done worse. It wasn’t pleasant, and death never is. Let’s keep the big picture in mind, folks.
HOLY FARKIN SHNIT!
I would’ve asked :"What is your name and who do you work for?
Then said: " I’m lodging a complaint ya cunt, how do you sleep at night?!"
::click::
< hijack part II>
This happened to a co-worker of mine. Her mom left her a cryptic message: “Hi, it’s me. If you see stuff on the news, don’t worry. Everything is okay, everyone is fine.”
WTF???
It turns out that a very upset teenager had caused a stand-off with police. Allegedly a teen had a gun and his parents hostage and the live news crews were all over it.
Police evacuated all the houses on the street… Except for Co-worker’s teenaged brother who was listening to music with headphones and didn’t hear the police knocking.
Upon returning home to find the street cordoned off, Co-worker’s dad told the cops “um… I think my son is still home…” The police went sneaking through several yards to evacuate Co-worker’s brother. He had finally taken off his headphones and come upstairs, looked out the window to see an army off cop cars on the street, and then nearly died of fright when the cops came in the back using his dad’s key. Then they had to sneak him back through several backyards to safety.
Of course the camera crews were all nearby, totally uninformed, and they saw police sneaking this teenage boy through backyards and – not knowing what was going on – filmed him as “the suspect in the stand-off.”
So Co-workers parents left this weird message in case they saw her brother on the news being “escorted by police” after an armed stand-off involving parents held hostage.
(Oh, and the real stand-off ended quite peacefully, and no one was ever realy in jeopardy – kid didn’t have a gun after all).
</hijack>
Man, I hate it when the phone rings late at night 'cause it’s probably bad news. If a cop called with instructions for me to call back, I’d have a horrible feeling of dread and assume someone had died.
Yup they did this to my dad. When I got arrested, a cop shoed up at his door and did the same bs. My dad almost had a heart attack. He thought I had been killed in a car accident or something.
Good thing I only got arrested tho, whew :smack: