The holidays to me, not being particularly religious in the Judeo-Christian sense, are at least a time where I reflect on kindness, charity, and general goodwill towards humanity. I enjoy shopping for gifts and wrapping presents, and that little bit of excitement that I always have when I first wake up Christmas morning. It’s a nice time of year and people seem to be nicer to one another, and I’m all for that.
Yet, there is a problem. In the quest for the perfect gift and the flawless Christmas, some people go so very far astray. They become like ravenous wolves and descend on their local retailers, ready to shove, kick, or bite their way to a happy holiday. I guess maybe it’s the stress and the pressure of dealing with family and trying to make everyone happy. I understand, but I think we should start a new expression of holiday cheer that’s more meaningful than listening to Christmas carols on the radio or taking the kids to see Santa.
That is, I think we should all remember not to be colossal assholes.
I know it sounds easy and a small thing, but recently I’ve seen the colossal assholes come out to play as if it were Colossal Asshole Appreciation Week. The people who are in retail, customer service, and so on are people too; why drop your change in the Salvation Army bucket, but ream the saleswoman a new one when they don’t have what you want in stock? How can you whistle cheerfully along to “Frosty the Snowman” while careening down the aisle at Target while your kids are screaming, ramming carts and passersby who stray into your path?
Don’t get me wrong – there are people out there who are in great practice for this. Some folks are very forgiving, and I am very thankful when people surprise me with kindness. But yet, it’s always horrifying when someone calls to find out where their treasured gift is. I work in a phone center doing customer service, and I always tread very softly when I explain that no, the package may not be there in time for Christmas and yes, I realize that the people taking the order somehow decided to guarantee it’d be there in 2-3 days when our fastest shipping is 5-7 and they didn’t even put you down for rush delivery so God only knows when it will arrive, and no, the order isn’t even showing in the system yet as shipped because our warehouse is overtaxed and can’t keep up and it’s been 3 weeks since you placed your order, and no, I can’t even cancel the order and fuck off because our systems can’t cancel or modify orders after they’re placed.
I know, it’s a gift. You are stressed out. But please, please, PLEASE have mercy on my sensitive little CSR soul and don’t scream at me.
Here is a recent example that might illustrate better some guidelines on how to treat folks like me:
1.) Just yesterday I picked up on the cancel line (we have a club membership dealie where people get autoshipments) and got some gentleman who wanted to cancel. Okay, sir, I say, do you have your account number?
“I also want to return these 3 packages”, he answers. Ok, I guess I was ignored, and this irks me a little bit, because I really like when I’m treated like a person that is conversing rather than a drone. I’ve gotten kind of used to it, but I don’t understand. I mean, can’t you say “No, sorry, I don’t. Also, I want to return some packages” just to sort of acknowledge my existence? But, it’s not too bad. It’s just a personal thing I’d like for folks to do.
Anyhow, since he’s gone off on a tangent, I decide to deviate from standard operating procedure and help him with that first. However, since we ship out packages every 2 months, but returns must be received within 2 months, I assume that he’s probably past the time on returning this. (I know 2 months sounds short, but a) this stuff expires and b) it’s returnable under any condition, including used and even all the products emptied. It’s a money back guarantee, really, rather than a return policy, as we can’t just take medication back and resell it to other customers.
So, I say, “Ok, I can help you with that too, but those packages have to be sent back within 60 days of when you received them.”
Stunned silence. “Why?!” he retorts angrily. I answer, “Well, sir, it’s a 60 day money back guarantee.” I continue, [knowing that people usually start arguing, I try to extrapolate with more information as well, because in my experience this usually calms people down and we’re going to cover this ground anyway] “the information about the guarantee is included with every shipment and is on all our catalogs and infomercials, and we also tell you when you place the order.”
Most people, at this point, suck up and deal. After all, if it’s 3 packages, one of them is probably about 6 months old. I mean, we’re not horrible Nazis about it – we don’t calculate it by hour and minute or anything – it’s really a guideline and I was willing to negotiate if the second package was arguably too late.
He starts huffing and says “Well, I’ll just tell my credit card company that I won’t pay!”
Ok, great, a live one. I was going to start to explain why that isn’t going to eliminate the problem when he says: “Do you have confirmation of delivery?” I sort of furrow my brow and think, ‘does this guy really think I’m going to help him with this?’
I say, “sir, you just confirmed yourself that you received it.”
He starts yelling “I’ll just deny I ever received anything and your company won’t be able to prove it. If you want to play it that way, then fine!”
Okay, time out. First of all, please don’t tell me that “I” did something. This happens a lot. Apparently “I” am very busy because “I” am always the person who is withholding refunds, sending accounts to collections, sending shipments that people didn’t want, and, so help me God, I even work for the post office because “I” sent a package back and said that the address was undeliverable. Please, folks, don’t do this. I am a human being and I didn’t do these things. Making it personal just escalates the situation and usually puts people in a very antagonistic mood (which solves nothing).
Second of all, what? So you’re going to commit credit card fraud? Am I supposed to feel threatened by this? People defraud us all the time. If you are really so immoral that you will lie and steal then there’s really not much point in negotiating, I think to myself.
Let’s put it this way: we can’t do much with packages that are returned, as far as I know. I think they just get destroyed even if they are unopened simply for liability reasons. I think I’m apparently supposed to say “Oh, no, sir, don’t do that, please just send those packages back!” Uh, why? It’s labor cost to us. The only real thing he’s getting, and I warrant he dosen’t know it, is that he’ll probably get his S/H back. So we’re out like $18. Hoo boy. Oh no, sir, please don’t do it.
I really want to respond to the guy with “Oh, you’re a thief? I wish you had just said that in the beginning and saved me some time” because that’s what I’m thinking. Instead, though, I try to calm him down, and I don’t mind that much because it would pretty much make my day if he would be stupid enough to give me something to open his account so that I could have proof of his threats (this happens quite often). So I say, “Sir, I’m just explaining the return policy–” but he hangs up.
Yeah, I was sort of ticked off about it because it’s hard not to get wired up when people start with you on a personal level. But, on the bright side, I didn’t have to cancel his account, which is great – it counts against me to cancel an account because we’re supposed to try to save them (by helping people change their account settings, explaining their options, fixing service problems, etc.) So, the guy actually did me a favor. I guess at least the spirits of irony have holiday spirit.
I guess the moral of this story is that being nice is good. Besides which, some little part of me hopes that nasty little bastard reads this message and feels ashamed of himself for committing fraud and being a colossal asshole. So much for good will towards men, right?
Happy holidays, folks.
