Let's start collecting ludicrous, for-show and busywork security measures

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m not out to make light of national security in times of war, but so much of the crap we’re about to be subjected to will be so utterly and laughably WORTHLESS it must be shared.

To take an example, some office buildings require a picture ID before admittace. Why? Do they require that someone from one of the offices clear you? No. Do they check your name against a database of suspects? No. Do they even write your name in a log so that there might be a charred clue for the FBI to work with after the building has been reduced to cinders? NO!

How in flaming hell does this procedure protect ANYBODY from ANYTHING? Do they think terrorists don’t own driver’s licenses, student IDs or bank cards? Morons.

I also suspect that this hightened security mentality will give rise to all sorts of check-points at laughably absurd “targets” all across the USA. I have visions of a patrol of crotchety VFW old-timers stationed at the one-room East Podunk Lending Library making sure that no one slips a dirty bomb behind “Horton Hears a Who.”

Now, before everyone beats me for dumping on the office building management or the VFW codgers – who, attmittedly, may have their hearts in the right place – let me emphasize that my problem with these measures are that they accomplish NOTHING except to make our lives more hassled. If they did something that actually protected us I’d be all for them.

So, what worthless security measures have you encountered?

2

I think my favorite is what happens when a security guard at an airport falls asleep for a few minutes, and a few folks wander through his checkpoint, so they clear the entire terminal, and re-check everyone. Let’s see now, I’m a terrorist, and my plan includes the following: “Step 47 - hang around the airport until the guard nods off, then slip through security.” Right.

3

The Y confuckulated MCA in midtown manhattan at 59th/Central Park West has adopted a new security check. You must provide your ID card at the front desk (as per usual) and then upon mounting the stairs to the floor of the locker room (this is new) put forth the same ID care yet once again before being issued a towel and given admittance to the locker room.

Al Quada or Officially Designated Supporters of Hussein, beware! You cannot step upon these treadmills, which say Saddam Don’t Tread On Me…

4

Greyhound now searches my bags and wands me when I go to Santa Cruz.

But not when I return to San Francisco.

God forbid I try to blow up the Mystery Spot but if I do, I know when I get back home, I can have them drop me off a few blocks from the Transamerica Pyramid, Ferry Building, Bay Bridge, and Pac Bell Park no problem.

*-Not to say Santa Cruz has nothing of interest, but if anyone’s gonna target it, it’ll be the DEA, not North Korea.

5

In my building they require any outsider to be constantly escorted by a saleried employee during their entire time in the building. We have people earning $40,000 a year going in to the bathroom with vendors who come to have meetings with us.

6

I’m still trying to figure out what’s after duct tape and plastic sheeting. I think the government should have saved the duct tape warnings for red alert.

Um, I’m not sure why I posted that. I think I need some sleep.

7

I don’t have any ACTUAL silly security measures to share, but I’d like to suggest an imaginary one:

Stock up on hand soap! Preferably antibacterial. Handwashing is the single best way to prevent disease*, and you don’t want to be caught off-guard when the biological attack comes! At the first sign of a biological attack (crop duster in the middle of the city, suspicious poxy person purposefully coughing in your direction, dead cow trebucheted over your castle walls, etc.), go wash your hands right away!

And carry some of that Purel hand sanitizer stuff in your pocket, in case you can’t get home quickly!

*the disease prevention thing is true, and I don’t mean to suggest that hand washing isn’t a good thing to do; just that it won’t be much more help than duct tape, if you’re showered with anthrax spores…

8

Good God! How ridiculous! I hope they don’t require the employee to stand in the stall with the vendor! :eek: Even standing outside the stall and listening to (and smelling) him take a shit wouldn’t be fun. I’d rather just stand outside the bathroom door if this were required of me.

All they do here is tell us that our ID badges must be worn and be visible at all times and that if it’s hidden don’t be suprised if one of the security workers stops to check for ID. They also tell us not to allow other workers to “tailgate” into the building (that is, one person opens the door with his badge and others follow him in without having to scan their own badges). Yes, they actually want each person to enter one at a time, closing the door behind him so that everyone will have to scan his/her badge. :rolleyes: Fortunately nobody seems to be enforcing this and nobody’s following it anyway.

9

Most of the crap they do at airports annoy me.

When I flew out of the Roanoke pudunk Virginia airport, I had to take my shoes off and run them through the XRay. But not out of O’Hare. Is there a shoe-bomb cell in the Roanoke valley?

My laptop has to come out of my backpack and go through all by itself - I got yelled at for putting my coat on top one time. It’s an XRay machine, fer chrissake. It looks through things.

O’Hare is also going nuts right now about cars - cars are subject to random checks and can’t stop within 20 feet of the very outside of the building. Never mind the hoards of people that get off of the subway every hour in the basement of the airport - they must all be good people.

I understand that we don’t want to give someone the oportunity to park a Rider truck full of fertilizer outside the airport, but this is nuts. Plus, what about all the other buildings throughout the country with people in it that aren’t as well watched?

10

In February, when we were at Code Orange, the State of New York decided to beef up security at the Power Authority Hydroelectric Plant, which is about a quarter-mile from where I’m sitting right now.

So they decided to put a patrol car, replete with uniformed trooper, in its parking lot. I’m not sure how successful that would be in repelling an attack, but I may have been influenced by seeing him munching on a Tim Horton’s donut, and even more by once seeing him enjoying a post-donut nap.

11

There seems to be a pattern, here. The most thorough security screenings I’ve encountered over the last couple of years were at the Gustavus, AK airport, for a flight bound for Juneau (a flight so short, the flight path is a parabola - the plane never reaches a “cruising altitude!”): a bunch of sport fishermen and kayakers, all standing around in their socks, every suitcase being opened and intensively inspected - quite a pointless spectacle.

12

Funny that this topic should come up now. Just this morning, every on-campus student at my college got an email from the administration describing new measures that were being recommended due to the code being changed to ‘orange’.

A maximum of one entrance for each building will be unlocked at any time. Note that this entrance doesn’t have to be guarded, so there’s nothing to stop a terrorist from just entering through that one entrance. Also there’s the issue of dorms where the doors for each room open directly to outside. I don’t see how they plan to get away with only on entrance open in such buildings.

Also, visitors from off-campus have to be escorted at all times. In two weeks we’re having the visiting weekend for prospective students. There will be two-hundred visiting students as well as parents and various other people. Since our campus security force is about ten people, it’s not clear who’s going to be doing all the escorting.

13

They check my trunk every morning as I pull into the underground parking garage at (unnamed Federal Gov’t building).

They never look in my large golf bag.

14

Where I work they constantly do badge checks. I’m really not sure what these checks are supposed to accomplish, but they do them anyway. What’s odd is, as far as I know, they only do them for the night crew. My guess is that there are too many people in during the day to check and keep track of. So they skip it.

Now, to get to where I work, I have to badge in the front door, go though an electronic turnstile in the lobby (with my badge), go through another badged door upstairs, go through a badged mantrap (where the guards open the inner door after visually seeing my badge), then it’s through another badged door to get to where I sit.

Thats 5 badge control points. If I’m sitting in the datacenter, how the hell do you think I got there? Of course I have my badge. And when you come back in two hours, I’ll still have it. And I’ll have it three hours after that. I’ll still be in possession of my badge just hours before I leave for the day.
Why the hell are you people constantly checking my badge against your little clipboard? Leave me alone, damnit! I’m trying to work!
(and don’t get me started on the time they tried to make us fill out a property pass everyday to bring in our dayplanners)
:mad:

15

My husband’s employer (a bucket factory) just got everyone picture IDs. There are ten unguarded entrances into the building, and no one was told what to do if they see someone without an ID wandering around. And 85% of the employees don’t speak English anyway, so what good would that do? But jod help you if you don’t have your ID on your person!

16

I work across the street from the Denver Federal Reserve. You wouldn’t BELIEVE the effort they’ve put into a concrete and steel fence around the building (with a gate) and they inspect every vehicle that pulls up to the loading dock.

I wonder if there’s a catalog for things like handled mirrors on wheels that are used to look under cars?

17

Car checks at airports in Montana. It’s pretty much understood to be a joke.

I have never been asked a security question, been asked to open my toolbox, etc. but I HAVE been asked the same questions every single time I pull in - “What breed of dog is that?”

And it’s funny when the TSA security woman is on my volleyball team, the ticket agent lives in my neighborhood and we know each other’s dog’s names, the x-ray guy is someone I’ve played golf with, etc.

Whistlepig

18

Sorry this is so long, but I didn’t think I could do it justice. What are they going to do, send out a search party?

    • names have been changed to protect my secret identity.

Dear Colleagues,

With the onset of war, and the threat of retaliatory terrorist attacks, I want to advise you of procedures put in place for the safety and security of our staff. Please take some time to familiarize yourself with the attached guide.

Additionally, effective Friday, March 21st, we are instituting a process to positively account for each *****er on a daily basis. This process is not elective, and will remain in effect until further notice.

It will be your responsibility to ‘check-in’ with ***** each business day by 10:00 am in your respective time zone.

I appreciate that what I’m asking you to do may appear a bit over the top, but we believe it is a necessary action so that we may readily account for the well being of each of our employees on a daily basis during this time of heightened security. We are providing a variety of options for you to make this check-in process as simple and straightforward as possible.

By electronic means – Upon logging in to the ***** network, you will be prompted each morning by a screen asking if you have checked in for the day. If you would like to use this method for checking in, simply follow the directions on the screen to access your check-in record. You will be prompted to enter your Enterprise ID and password to gain access. You may also access the same check-in procedures through ***** websites.

By telephone – You may call the ***** Help Desk which is also serving as our Command Center at this time. The telephone numbers for the Help Desk are ***** or toll-free in North America at *****.

If you are to be away from the office for non-business purposes, you will be able to add that information to your check-in record. You will simply recommence the process of checking in daily when you return to work.

We will be monitoring events hourly and will issue modified guidance as necessary.

Again, our employees’ safety and security is of utmost importance. This process is simple and straightforward and will allow us to respond rapidly to any given situation, as necessary, to ensure the safety and security of our employees.

As a reminder, and in order to reach employees who may not have access to e-mail, I am sending a broadcast voicemail regarding this process to all staff later today.

Thank you for your participation in this effort.

[security dude]

I think this was the same department that told us to “let full service attendants pump gas for you” when the sniper was at large in DC.

I mostly feel sorry for the poor bastards in the Call Center who have better things to do than do a roll call of our entire company.

19

As a side-note about O’Hare- for the longest time, O’Hare was a bastion of tripple- and quadruple- parker-ers. A year or three ago, a big crackdown started specifically for that, making the traffic flow at the gates -much- better. I think they’ve decided to ‘up’ security, and when they add that to the already draconian ‘don’t stop here’ procedures, it gets to the level of the ridiculous.

20

Yeah, my company is also doing sense-less checks. The front security desk now asks for ID to be shown…the only weakness to this plan is that when I see people being asked for ID they FLASH it to the security guard who’s more than 15 feet away. Unless they’ve got some impressive eye sight all they’re seeing is a white card with a little picture.

I’ve also identified an entry point to gets around the locked front doors (all our entry doors are electronically locked, you need your little card thingy) but if you go down to the coffee shop, you can take an elevator and end up behind the locked front doors…smart.

Airport security scares me because of all the horror stories I’m hearing. So I’m not even considering a vacation to the US.