I got this in the email over the weekend and am still laughing. Wanted to share it with ya’ll and ask if anyone else has anything that would give us all a good laugh. 
LETTER TO THE BANK…!
The guy who wrote this is a genius. The letter to a bank below is an actual
letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement that, I
admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account
by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the
procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no
greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To
this end, please be advised of the following changes:
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity that your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You
will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs
to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I
have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by
introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very
much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with
whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered
by an automated voice service:
Press buttons as follows:
- To make an appointment to see me.
- To query a missing payment.
- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized
Contact. - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call. This month I’ve chosen a refrain from “The Best of
Woody Guthrie”: “Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every
door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for.”
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost
which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising
material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries
from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent
in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. New phone
service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your
inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of
this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client,
(Name Withheld)