Letters From Neverland

Letters To The Editor Of (A Major Newspaper)

Dear Ed:

So here I am flipping through the paper and I notice all the hype these days is about Elvis. Elvis has the number one record in the country this week. Whoopee. Like that’s anything to be excited about. It’s always the same. Elvis this, Elvis that! I mean, what did he do that was so extraordinary? Get up on TV and wiggle his pelvis a few times. Sure, like that took any real talent.

Plus there’s the fact that Elvis is definitely dead. Don’t give me any of that crap about him being alive. Most of you saw the corpse. Only a few people saw the corpse in my case, so why are there no Jim Morrison sightings? Where’s the Mojo cult?

Before we continue, let me address a point to Mr. Oliver Stone. That movie you made about me a few years ago was one of the worst big-screen bios I ever saw. You’re lucky my band mates are still alive and ready to correct the erroneous information you put out; otherwise I might have had to come out of hiding to seek my revenge.

Back to my original rant, You guys need to lay off on the Elvis a little bit and focus more on some other guys. How come you never put me on a postage stamp? How come you never put Janis on a postage stamp? We’re both as deserving as that fan boy geek.

So how about it?

The Lizard King

Editors Note: Uh we think you’re kind of overreacting a little bit there Jim. One question. Since you did not leave a return address, how are we supposed to verify that this is really you and not some prankster? Are we to assume that you are not really craving the amount of publicity that you claim to be seeking in your letter?

Dear Ed:

It’s bad enough that I’ve been reduced to this level. This abysmal level of having to write anonymous letters to a major newspaper, because whenever I try to actually speak out I get branded as a freak. Or at least the last time I did comedians made fun of me.

Anyway. I’m writing in response to people who claimed that my assertion that the record industry is racist was a bunch of hooey. What has happened since has proven that my claims were correct. The fact that the Springsteen guy is selling millions of records a week, while mine still isn’t selling more than $2 million. That’s a case of discrimination pure and simple!

Go ahead and laugh at me all you want. Just don’t expect me to show up for any more of those benefit gigs or to license my material for any more commercials or movies.

The “Freak” From Neverland

Editors Note: Well Michael. Since you apparently seem to dislike the $2 million that Invincible earned, we were wondering if maybe you would like to donate it to charity. Or maybe give it to an independent band that would kill to sell that much. And on the Springsteen issue, maybe his album was just better than yours. Best wishes.

Dear Ed:

I’m currently writing to you from Florida where Mick and the boys as well as yours truly are currently stopping for a quick break and a performance before continuing on with the tour. I remember when Mick said he was planning to retire when he was 45. I wonder if we all should have stuck to that plan.

The way things are going now, I figure we put in maybe two more tours, maybe another album or so and then actually retire. I can’t picture us singing “It’s Only Rock And Roll” when we’re 80. We would have to change it to “It’s Only Guy Lombardo”.

Anyway, the main point of this letter is to comment on the fact that our new greatest hits disc is one of the top sellers this week. It probably would be number one if it weren’t for the fact that Elvis has pretty much taken the number one spot for himself. But I’m not going to complain about it like some other rock stars probably will.

I also find myself wondering about the state of mind of that plastic being. Not too long ago, he was calling record execs devils and racists. I liked what Robin Williams said about him, telling him that he needed to pick a race before he could denounce racism.

Speaking of Mr. Williams, I also remember that he made a few jokes about the fact that I had my plasma changed to help kick my drug habit. I honestly do not know what happened to my old blood. I pity the poor soul that got it. He must have gone truly insane by now.

Wait a minute. You don’t suppose that Plastic man Peter Pan…

Well that about wraps it up. Come see us on tour.

Yours truly,
Keith R

Editors Note: No Comment.