This is all very personal, but I’ll try to keep it as succinct as possible.
I turned 39 in March of '04. Life at that point was pretty mundane- I had been married for seven years, and we had been together for eight years prior to that. The marriage was not working for me anymore. I didn’t think she respected me enough, I felt taken for granted, and it basically seemed that we had become merely roommates. Sexually, we had been going downhill (not a pun) for quite some time. So, the situation was not good for either one of us, but I was scared to death of changing my circumstances. What if no one else wanted me? Yes, I had some considerable self-esteem issues. I was sleepwalking.
I went to Arizona for work for three weeks, along with a good buddy and this girl (let’s call her Sally), who was married to a guy I used to work with. Her husband was a real frat-boy jerk-off type that I never liked. I always thought she was too good for him, even though I didn’t know her that well. The gig was an easy one, and the three of us had plenty of time to hang out, drink, and get to know each other better. Well, getting to know Sally was a revelation: she was a lot more fun than I ever knew. Much flirting commenced. She hugged me good night our last night there, and told me drunkenly, “You’re like the male me.”
So, back in our hometown, the three of us start hanging out together. Since her husband was much more interested in his golf game than her, and my wife was traveling a lot and not very interested in me either, we had plenty of time. We fell for each other pretty quickly. Nothing physical happened for a while, as we both tried to resist becoming adulterers, but eventually we gave in. I’m certainly not proud of cheating, of sneaking around, of lying. But, I saw a chance to make myself happy, finally, and I went for it. By August, I was seperated from my wife, and Sally moved into her own apartment (in my building) soon after. Happy? Damn straight, despite the guilt.
By October, problems arose. She was getting very close to my friend (let’s call him Harry), and I started to get jealous of them. I thought I was going crazy, they wouldn’t do this to me, would they? Long story short: she broke up with me and soon after I get the news from Harry that now he’s fallen for her, and she for him. You can probably imagine the pain, the rage, the homicidal thoughts. Funny thing though, I somehow found it in me to give them my blessing, eventually. I realized that, while she may have had the hots for me, he was probably a better match for her personality-wise. Maybe I’m just a sucker, but I don’t think they did anything behind my back. Sally and I needed each other at the time, but now it was time to move on.
Jump to New Year’s Eve: I went out with a bunch of friends and ended up making out with a divorced friend I’d always had a crush on. Turns out she (Maria) had a long-standing thing for me, too. Just like Sally. (my self-esteem was really coming back now) So, things are great again until the earthquake happens: Maria gets pregnant. We had only been together for about six weeks, so this was going to be a major complication, but we decided to soldier on, knowing it was going to tough. Everything was cool for a while- we got along, our chemistry was fantastic (all that stuff about pregnant women and sex drive? Believe it.) until complications arose again. Not to gross anyone out but, she started bleeding when we had sex. A lot. So, no more sex. This may sound shallow, but good sex is important to me now after many years of not having much. We lost the intimacy, the closeness that comes from being naked and sweaty and panting together. If we had a fight, we couldn’t make up properly. We tried for a while, but the stress of being a 37 year-old, unwed mother and trying to keep me happy too, was just too much for her. So, we decided to lay off the romance for now and focus on the upcoming baby. It’s been difficult, to say the least. Our relationship has turned kind of chilly and that’s depressing. I have no idea how we’re going to raise this child once she arrives. Maria says I can be as involved as I want to be, but does she mean it? I won’t be able to stomach having a child I never see. I don’t want my daughter to grow up hating her father. I don’t know if there’s another earthquake coming.
Still, I’m glad I changed my life. All this pain and uncertainty beats the hell out of numbness, at least in the long run. I’ve had the pleasure of being with two great girls, and now I feel like I can have somebody great in my life, and that I deserve somebody great. I turned the big 4-0 in March, and somebody once said that’s when life begins. Living proof over here. Comments, advice, criticism?