Due to a mix of bad genetics (mental illness runs in my family) and severe trauma when I was young, I have struggled with depression my entire adult life. I’m in my mid 40s now, been dealing with it since I was a teenager.
I’ve tried various things to improve it. However due to being unemployed or underemployed most of my adult life, seeing a doctor to get the help I needed wasn’t an option until a few years ago. Now that I can afford medical care I’ve gotten a lot of different treatments that have put it into remission.
I want to go over what helped me, just to give an idea.
For one, I got my sleep apnea treated. Apparently I was having over 60 apnea events per hour. I’m on a CPAP now and I’m usually only getting ~2 apnea events an hour. Sleep apnea can contribute to depression, and people who get their sleep apnea treated see their depression symptoms improve.
I also started an SSRI. It was hard to find the right dose (too little did nothing, too much gave bad side effects). But I worked with my PCP to get the dose figured out.
During my annual exams, my PCP would test my blood which included a vitamin D test. Even though I have taken vitamin D supplements for years, my readings weren’t very good. So I increased my vitamin D intake and I noticed when I got closer to 50ng/ml, that my moods improved.
I went through a period where I was having insomnia so I got prescribed trazadone for insomnia. I took it for months and when the insomnia cleared up I stopped taking it. I noticed my moods got a little worse, so I went back on the trazadone. I know trazadone is an antidepressant that is used for sleep, but for me taking my SSRI in the morning and a 50mg trazadone at night works better than the SSRI by itself.
In between all these things, I feel my depression is finally in remission. Why is it in remission? I’m not chronically suicidal anymore. I used to have suicidal thoughts everyday for years and years on end. Ever since I go things under control, I rarely have suicidal thoughts anymore.
I enjoy life more. I used to count the years until I got to die. I looked at it like a calendar ‘only X more years until I get to die’. Now I actually look forward to the next 40 years of my life.
But on top of that, now that my brain isn’t crippled by depression my life has gotten better in other ways. I have more mental energy to improve my life in various ways. I’ve gotten some upgrades on my car (remote starter, backup camera, organizers). I guess my point is that, now that I’m not carrying around a 1000 pound weight in my head, I have the mental energy to look for endless ways to improve my life. I’ve made a lot of small purchases and small changes in the last year that make my life much better, and I feel its because now that I’m not depressed, I have the mental energy to actually focus on making my life better rather than using all my mental energy trying to survive another day.
My mental improvement reminds me of this scene from Seinfeld where George stops being obsessed with sex, and his brain starts working better (the site won’t let me link to the clip). Now that depression isn’t wearing my brain down, my mental abilities to notice and solve small problems have gotten a lot better. I’m not going on a spending spree or anything, but I’m more able to notice ‘this small problem exists’ then I’d go find a solution and spend $10 or $20 for it. I’ve done that for a hundred small things in my life since I got better.
Anyway, I wanted to post this because I was cleaning my kitchen and it hit me how I’m looking forward to my future now, how I’ve made all these small improvements in the last year since I got things under control, and I really hope I am able to keep things in remission.
If my depression comes back, I’m open to trying TMS or ketamine therapy. But I’m hoping I can keep it under control with the things I’m doing now.
