Lines You Hope Never To Read In a Children's Book

Perhaps I’m the only one this happens to, but strange thoughts some times wander through my mind as I’m trying to sleep. The one I had last night is something that should never make it into a children’s book:

“That said,” said Ella the Elephant. “We’re really going to have to kill your parents.”

What do you hope never makes it into a kid’s book?

Peter was not so bad a rabbit after all, thought Farmer Jones. In fact, with a light wine sauce and some shallots, he was quite tasty.

Probably paraphrased out of Chasing Amy:

“And then Black Beauty did some mounting of his own…”

The AK47 was certainly heavy but Johnny felt he’d be able to get it up to the school roof.

“Sure you can pet the pussys” said the nice pet-store lady to little Tommy. “I have calicos, persians, and siamese, but here’s one that I know you’ll like!”

At that point, Bambi became profoundly aware of Thumper’s rising ardour…

“Obviously,” she thought, “He’s lying about the pain.”

See Spot run. Run Spot run. Look out for the SUV. Oh Nooooo.

“Please don’t throw me in the briar patch.” Bre’r Rabbit said. “I won’t.” said Bre’r Wolf, tearing off a leg.

“Jane likes Dick”

Has anyone seen the episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus where Eric Idle is trying to do a children’s book reading, but all the books become randomly pornographic?

God I love that sketch.

Lucky Charms

Sadly, being dragged down the stairs by one foot ultimately resulted in severe head trauma and permanent brain damage for Winnie the Pooh, and Christopher Robin was tried for reckless endangerment. Tigger and Eeyore were both witnesses for Pooh, while Piglet, dispite continual declarations that “Pooh is my best friend”, gave very damaging testimony supporting Christopher Robin’s claim that Pooh has "always been funny in the head. " Owl and Rabbit could not be reached for comment.

Lucky Charms

Have fun

“Of course, the little boy couldn’t make it across the river, because his mommy and daddy didn’t buy him the (insert book’s name) Inflatable Raft, available at Toys R Us for $14.95.”

“You know, I killed somebody once.”

“He stormed the gates of her quivering love palace with his purpleheaded battering ram”.


Is it legal to post something that causes the reader to laugh 'til it hurts?

I sue for $6,000,000,000 you tobacco company stooge.

On the title page:

“…by Fred Phelps”

“Timmy,” said kindly Father O’Conner. “You mother was wrong when she said it was partly your fault that your dad drank and got behind the wheel, killing all those people.”
Timmy breathed a sigh of relief.
“The fact of the matter is, you are such a terrible son that you drove him to drink. It’s all your fault, not just partly. Your mother should be more careful with her adjectives.”

“Look, here comes Milkman Dan!”

“Being curious, Curious George stepped into the store with all the Xs on the windows. And do you know what he saw?”

“Barbar found a new use for his trunk…”

“I know a fun game we can play with the gerbil” said little Johnny, “But first, we have to wait for Mom and Dad to leave”

“P is for pussy, that’s good enough for me.”

Slowly, he pulled his pants down and bent over carefully. A moment later, Peter Hatcher decided that Superfudge wasn’t that bad after all.

“How did your audition go?” Fozzie said curiously.
“Not too well,” Miss Piggy responded “earlier today I had a frog in my throat.”