Listen up Cooter, I'm tellin ya this once

The BBQ Pit
1

Then I’m smashin out the last two front teeth you have.

I came to this junkyard to buy a new center console for my car, and to look for a 3.4l upper and lower intake manifold from a Camaro to do some machining on.

I did not come here to listen to you slam FWD cars, call my car a “piece of junk” and be told “y’alls can’nu do nuttin wit fron’ will drive, whydya bother?”

You were nice enough to help me get the pop rivets off my replacement window the other day, I thank you for that.

You were nice enough to give (instead of sell) me the four bolts for my downpipe because I lost mine.

Even though you seem to be a nice guy, I do not appreciate being pestered for 20 minutes about how horrible front wheel drive is in general, and how bad Chevy 60 degree engines are specifically (especially considering Chevy 60* engines have been used since… erm, I think 1954, and until 1982, mostly in REAR WHEEL DRIVE vehicles. It’s also one of the most stable and reliable engine platforms out there, and is still used today, even though now they’re called the 3100, 3400, and 3800 and are in their 3rd generation). I enjoyed hearing about all the work you’ve done to your 84 Monte SS, and I’m sure it does haul ass, but I don’t appreciate being called a liar when I tell you that I have a friend who has completely rebuilt his Z24 from the ground up, and runs 11s on street tires with 24 psi from his turbo. “No way in HELL a ::spit:: CAVALIER (said with venom) can run 11s. No fucking way.” Oh yeah, I loved the expression on your face when I told you that my great-grandma used to drive an 84 Monte SS. That distant look of loss and deep pain…

Okay, dickface. His car makes 284 hp at 8 psi. He runs 24 psi at the track. I don’t think that’s an exaggeration to say he does 11s.

I also don’t appreciate your attempting to convince me to sell “that piece of shit” that I drive, and buy a “nearly complete” 82 Turbo TransAm that you conveniently have to sell. “Yeah, all it needs is new heads, an exhaust, an interior, y’know, a carb, uh, tires and wheels… ::trails off::”

Keep to your fucking self, alright? Opinions are fine, but I am also your customer, and you should maintain some iota of separation. I didn’t come here to buy your cars, I came here to get a fucking trim piece that was busted when someone ripped off my stereo. My stereo, by the way, I’m already irritated about having to replace that, I don’t need you nosin’ in my business and telling me what I should and should not drive.

Look, you’re about 35, you work in a junkyard, and you don’t seem to be too smart. If anything, I should be giving advice to you, not the other way around. Fuck, in the 5 minutes we spoke about front wheel drive cars before you turned it into a “don’t drive front, and buy my shitheaps” conversation, it was blaringly apparent that I knew more about Cavaliers (and most other cars) than you. I would expect you to do better, I mean fuck, your occupation seems to be mechanic, but then, I suppose when Bernard (owner of the junkyard) is standing over your shoulder telling you exactly how that 302 goes together, it doesn’t take much.

Oh, and see a fucking dentist. How expensive can a tooth cleaning (I say tooth because there was only one visible) and partial bridge be?

–Tim

2

And here I thought you was talking to some womens vagina!

3

Good lord, Dippity. The horrified question that springs to mind is: just how many sentences did it take before you altered that idea?

Mmmm, dentata.

4

I was hoping you’d be giving your review of the new Dukes of Hazzard movie.

.
.
.
.

Was he the real Cooter, Homer? Was he?

(Stares at monitor.)

(Clicks refresh button.)

(Stares at monitor.)

(Clicks refresh button.)

5

I figures it out after the first line. Ya know in mythic tales there was a thing called Vagina Dentata (I’ma thinking thats why ya made the dentata reference). That reminds me about the story o’ the detachable penis…

6

I woke up this morning eith a bad hangover, and my penis was missing again. This happens all the time.

7

I wasn’t talkin’ 'bout the detachable penis song. I was a refer’n to a story I’sa learned in one of me classes on campus.

8

Care to share?

9

Sure and I’ll even type normally as opposed to my wack ass style to keep it readable and not as much as a headache on the eyes. Forgive me I’m not exactly sure what the myths origins are. I believe it’s either Norse or some other European myth.

There was a person, we’ll call him Harry, with huge genitalia who’s penis was detachable. He always removed it and basically screwed whatver he could. Whether it be a tree, dog, hole in the ground, or a female. Well everytime he set his penis free (it had a mind of it’s own imagine that) it would come back a little smaller each time. Eventually he was scared because it was starting to become normal size. Well he did something (wasn’t defined in the myth) and he penis became permanently attached. (Now on to the Vagina Dentata part). Well Harry saw these one girls he fancied and tried to hook up with them. Only problem is they had teeth inset into their vagina’s so that they resembled mouths. Well Harry being the intuitive fellow that he is took a broken stalagmite and inserted into the women’s vagina and they chomped down on the stalagmite and it broke the teeth. Thus Harry could happily have sex with these girls without worry of losing his penis.

Hope that clears up any confusion you may have had.

10

Okay, that’s the most fucked up little story I’ve read today.

<walks off muttering 'bout strange cooter stories and detachable peni>

11

What. The. Fuck.

–Tim

12

D’jyou guys hear about the guy with 5 dicks?

His jeans fit like a glove.

13

What is so hard to comprehend people?!?

14

I’d like to know more about the word cooter please. I was browsing through a recipe book called “The White Trash Cookbook” not long ago and there was a recipe for faux cooter pie but here the word is being used as an insult. Am I right in thinking a cooter is a turtle? As long as you’re answering I’d also like to know what collard greens are. Thank you.

15

Collard greens are quite a bit like spinach only they are a bit more bitter. They also much darker green and have a more cabbagy texture than spinach with big wide veiny leaves.

16

How terribly disgusting. Remember this link that was around a while ago?

http://www.tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/finalmeals.htm

When vegetables are so unpopular as food for occasions like this it really makes me wonder why people eat them at all. One prisoner wanted seasoned mustard greens(??) but no-one wanted collard greens. I eat spinach but I put it in spanokopitas or rice casseroles or something. It’s not natural to just boil it up.

17

Nomey, Cooter is the name of the mechanic on Dukes of Hazzard and has since been used disparagingly towards mechanics and other lower social class individuals. I do not know if Cooter on Dukes was named because of this, or if his name inspired it.

–Tim

18

Let me get this: In the U.S.A. mechanics are ranked at the bottom of society? Mechanical ability is a determinant of class? I thought income, education and maybe ethnicity were the deciding factors.

In some countries mechanics get $60 an hour but in America they are turned into pie fillings and no-one cares. This can’t be true.

19

This is the BBQ Pit.

This is the BBQ Pit on drugs.

Any questions?

20

Is ironing decadent? Are smooth clothes necessary and why?

Why don’t terrorists blow up irreplaceable objects? Why are the Taliban really the first to do that?

In W. H. Auden’s poem “As I Walked Out One Evening” what does the eleventh verse mean - The glacier knocks in the cupboard/The desert sighs in the bed/and the crack in the teacup opens/A lane to the land of the dead?

Was Jeffrey Dahmer innocent? What was the evidence that suggested he might have been?

Why have housewives always had a reputation for being drudges when it’s homebodies rather than workers who have 24 hour access to media?

I’d like to ask some of these questions sooner or later. Yes, I will. Any answers you may have are welcome now of course.