Listen, you pigeon bitch!

Pigeons only have a couple of dozen brain cells, and seem capable of only one or two thoughts:

  1. Nest here
  2. Food here

That first one’s a bitch, because it takes an act of God to keep them from returning to the family nesting area year after year.

And as for their grasp of nest-building, the late, great Gerald Durrell summed it up well: “Three or four twigs laid across a branch – that’s the average pigeon’s idea of a highly complicated structure.”

In cities around the place, pigeons are oft referred to as ‘rats with wings’. I think rats are way more intelligent than pigeons.
How about putting the cat food outside the door? (when the lazy slut has finished with it ofcourse)

Ain’t you got a tennis raquet?
: PUFF :

No more pigeon.

Technically, it’s a cloaca, but don’t let me stop you.

This is hysterical. That might be the best description I’ve ever seen for cats. Lazy spoiled little assholes. Good thing they’re so damned cute, or we’d whack 'em all in the back of the head with a shovel.

Then God exists.

Yeah, I kinda know how that works, which is why I’d like to nip this in the bud now.

Pigeons are pretty stupid. I don’t know how this one somehow put 2+2 together and realized the tasty cat food it occasionally gets out in the driveway actually comes from inside that door there.

Yup, pretty much. Luckily, they don’t nest around the house. They all live on a nearby church.

Nah, I’d never shoot 'em, no matter how tempting it is. And no, I don’t have a tennis racket, however tempting that is. I’d be more apt to use that on the cat, when I’ve just filled his bowl with dry food, filled his water dish, filled his second bowl with preemo canned cat food, and he has the gall to sit in the middle of the kitchen and scream for something “good.”

That little asshole. (I don’t know why, but for some reason, calling cats assholes just totally tickles me.)

I had a similar problem a while back with a little white fly who kept coming 'round the house.

It wasn’t until after I killed the fly that I realized that it was actually the eccentric scientist whose lab was next door. His body had been fused with a fly when he tried to teleport himself. When I checked his lab I discovered the rest of his body but the head had been replaced by the fly’s head. Turns out he had only been buzzing around my house because he was looking for help.

So, don’t be too hasty in dealing with your pigeon problem.

Have you considered calling in a pigeon removal specialist?

I’ve considered it pretty much everytime I watch a David Mamet film.

First, you get two 2’ square pieces of welded wire cloth-stick with wide spacing and offset the grids. Separate them by 1/4" with nylon standoffs so the whole thing lies flat. Wire them up to an old TV high voltage tripler or horizontal output assembly. Now you have a Pigeon Zapper. Put it next to a small container of dry cat food and wait for the bzzzzzzZZZtt :cool:

No pigeons were harmed in the creation of this post. Persons attempting to actually build a Pigeon Zapper should know something about electronics or they run the risk of frying themselves. Do not attempt at home, even with the consent of Major League Baseball. Offer void in Wisconsin. :stuck_out_tongue:

That’s Pidgeon…and she only appears in films after 1990. Before that, you’d need a Crouse Rifle.

As for pigeons, I had my say [thread=299721]here[/thread]. It seems, oddly enough, that some people actually like the disease-infested hellspawn. Personally, I think you should use the largest caliber that won’t leave an unspackleable hole in your wall.


This. This is why I love it here.

I think you’ve created the weirdest looking word in the English language.

If you think that’s bad try rhyming it in verse.

Glad to be of service.


SOAT: If you think that’s bad try rhyming it in verse.

Exhausted I sprawl at the foot of the wall
Where the hole was almost unspackleable,
However, it might have been worse: after all,
I might have been trying to tackle a bull.


It rhymes with “orange”. :smiley:

So let me get this straight.

Your pigeons breath smells like cat food?

Get a tennis racket and start practicing your forehand smash.