Listen, you pigeon bitch!

The BBQ Pit
1

OK fine, sure. I’m sorta a softy when it comes to animals. But c’mon! Yeah sure, I adopted the cat, and he’s a lazy spoiled mother fucker. Oh, oh, I only eat chicken and tuna. Yeah whatever you stupid little mother fucker. I ain’t made of chicken and tuna OK?

About this fucking pigeon. Yeah sure, you pigeons have been hanging out in the driveway for a while. Yeah, sure. I feed you. But you’re fucking wild animal pigeons! I feed you. You flutter around. Whatever.

Look bitch, I know pigeons. I know a male from a female. I know a juvenile. I know a juvinile bitch when I see one!

OK fine, sure I gave you some of the cat’s dry food one time. That spoiled asshole wasn’t eating it. So what?

Oh, so now you gotta taste for cat food, bitch? You gotta hang out outside my door for your little catfood fix?

Look, yeah I live in California. The weather’s nice. I like to leave my door open. It’s a safe neighborhood. Well, except for you pigeon assholes.

Every Goddamn time I leave the door open you gotta flutter in and eat the cat’s food? I’m getting sick of this bitch!

Oh, now you’re stuck in the house and I have to catch you. Well go ahead and fly into the window you stupid fuck, that’ll teach you. There you go, I had to catch you and throw you outside. Last time you’ll be in here.

What? You’re back? Jesus Christ, wasn’t the last time traumatic enough? You know, I might not just catch you. I might grill you like a burger bitch!

What? You’re stuck in my house a third time? You have the gall to look at me with that look, you know, like, “just catch me and put me outside, I know you ain’t gonna hurt me pussy boy.”

Goddamn you, you stupid little bird-cunt! I am not a pussy!

I know you. I recognize you. I know exactly which pigeon you are. You come to my door every day. You expect food. You come in my house. You bitch!

Quit stalking me you pigeon bitch! I’m not made of food. I will hurt you! I will! Damnit!

2

You know this is like complaining about the trouble you get after handing out fifty-dollar bills to crackheads on your doorstep, right?

3

Maybe it’s a homing pigeon.

Maybe it’s papa was a rolling stone.

Maybe it thinks “Wherever I eat like a cat is home”.

4

Continue to rant. I am only here because of the title.

5

I woulda though, y’know, the pidgeon would be cat food in a not-so-short time frame.

6

I don’t care how hungry I got, or how good it might taste, there is no way on God’s green Earth that I would enter the frickin’ LAIR of my natural predator to get my snack on.

7

I think this is the oddest pit thread I’ve ever read…

8

Just think how pissed you’re going to be when, one day, while you’re chasing it around your house, it shits on your carpet.

9

Good I can add my rant about the two doves trying to move in next door (well next to my door actually). Since doves are just posh pigeons. Look you dumb birds that beam of wood will not make a good place for a nest as the pile of dropped twigs underneath testifies. It is above a frequently used walkway where people and cats go about every day and (sometimes quite litterally) scare you shitless every few minutes. Also isn’t it about time you realised that when someone scares you by opening a door, or breathing too loud or whatever, that the skylight above the beam of wood is not an escape route but simply a way to bash more brain cells out of your poor befuddled heads. I put some polystyrene in the way to put you off building a nest, but that didn’t work, next I’ll have to put an action figure demon or something like that on the beam to put you off and hopefully get you to pick a more suitable spot.

10

I’d tell that I’m sorry you’re having bird problems, but I’m laughing too hard.

I say keep feeding the pigeon – just think how big it’ll be by Thanksgiving! :slight_smile:

11

well, you could go all Wayne Brady on her ass and choke the bitch…

:eek:
Poor lil birdie

<ducks and runs, fast>

12

Wayne Brady choked someone? Or a bird? Gaaaah. Thanks for ruining that image for me. He seems like such a sweetheart.

13

That’s partly why I’m pissed now. She got into the kitchen, perched on top of the kitchen window curtain rod, and proceeded to shit on the window sill.

It’s just this one pigeon that’s doing it. I really thought after the first time she’d be too scared to try it again. Now it appears the trauma of getting caught indoors is worth the payoff of gobbling up all the cat’s dry food. I’m afraid she’s going to teach all her buddies to do the same thing.

I can see it now. In two or three years I’m going to be featured on an episode of Animal Cops. The authorities will have to burst into my home, haul me off to the mental ward and condemn my house, where it appears I’ve been living with 50 pigeons, forced to live in their shit, shunning the neighbors and ordering in 50 lb bags of cat food at a time. “It’s such a shame,” the nice animal cop will say. “It always starts out innocently enough with these animal collectors, but then it escalates and you end up with this,” pointing to my living room, covered in pigeon shit and feathers.

14

Bwa-HA-HAHAHA-Ha!

I’ll give that an 9.8, Larry.

It would have been a “10” if you had pointed your toes on landing.

15

Have no fear; it’s a Chappelle Show reference:

16

**levdrakon ** did you ever consider a … oh I don’t know…maybe a …screen door?

17

Thank goodness!!

Thanks for setting my mind at ease!
(ps, yeah, NOW I get it, and come to think of it, hasn’t one of them made reference to that on Whose Line?).

18

Ummmm…I hate to break this to you, but this means you now have 2 pets.

Try Petsmart for those 50lb bags of cat food you’ll need.

19

Yea, you would say that. :smiley:

20

I hate to break something else to you, but IIRC wild birds have mites and stuff. Not sure if they’ll bother you or your cat, but you might want to get some mite spray too.