OK fine, sure. I’m sorta a softy when it comes to animals. But c’mon! Yeah sure, I adopted the cat, and he’s a lazy spoiled mother fucker. Oh, oh, I only eat chicken and tuna. Yeah whatever you stupid little mother fucker. I ain’t made of chicken and tuna OK?
About this fucking pigeon. Yeah sure, you pigeons have been hanging out in the driveway for a while. Yeah, sure. I feed you. But you’re fucking wild animal pigeons! I feed you. You flutter around. Whatever.
Look bitch, I know pigeons. I know a male from a female. I know a juvenile. I know a juvinile bitch when I see one!
OK fine, sure I gave you some of the cat’s dry food one time. That spoiled asshole wasn’t eating it. So what?
Oh, so now you gotta taste for cat food, bitch? You gotta hang out outside my door for your little catfood fix?
Look, yeah I live in California. The weather’s nice. I like to leave my door open. It’s a safe neighborhood. Well, except for you pigeon assholes.
Every Goddamn time I leave the door open you gotta flutter in and eat the cat’s food? I’m getting sick of this bitch!
Oh, now you’re stuck in the house and I have to catch you. Well go ahead and fly into the window you stupid fuck, that’ll teach you. There you go, I had to catch you and throw you outside. Last time you’ll be in here.
What? You’re back? Jesus Christ, wasn’t the last time traumatic enough? You know, I might not just catch you. I might grill you like a burger bitch!
What? You’re stuck in my house a third time? You have the gall to look at me with that look, you know, like, “just catch me and put me outside, I know you ain’t gonna hurt me pussy boy.”
Goddamn you, you stupid little bird-cunt! I am not a pussy!
I know you. I recognize you. I know exactly which pigeon you are. You come to my door every day. You expect food. You come in my house. You bitch!
Quit stalking me you pigeon bitch! I’m not made of food. I will hurt you! I will! Damnit!