As a porn star, I get really peeved when I’m referred to as a cocksmith. I mean, sure my wad looks like a baby’s arm, but how can a fella with a shaved sack possibly be worthy of such a title?
All colleges appear to have “mission statements” as well. I can’t stand it. Are we on a mission? Where are we going? What shall we do when we get there? What if we’re on a sinking ship, financially speaking? Is there a medal or honor at the end of this mission, should we choose to accept it?
:rolleyes:
I work in a bureaucracy. Below is a little gem I saved from a few years ago. A Senior Executive paid by your (US) tax money actually sent this memo out to his people. The general problem at the time was lots of folks asking “hey, everybody wants everthing done right now - what are our priorities?”
Presented in the original spelling and punctuation (except for the deletion of a project name)
I love the “adjust our priorities in real time”.
Now, I just show up for work and see what happens next…
Working in the bureaucracy of the US military, every once and awhile some big shot thinks he has a big project. He sets up a special room with files, bulletin boards, computers, and a few staffers devoted to one project. If you have something to contribute to this project, you go to this room and talk it over with the folks working there.
They always want to call this a “War Room”.
Now, you have to think - this is the Army. Occasionally, some soldier in some remote godforsaken part of the world where people are actually shooting real bullets actually picks up a phone and calls me to ask a question about some equipment he’s trying to work with. Whenever that happens, I imediately drop whatever bullshit paperwork I’m doing and get him what he needs - even if its far outside of my line of experience. You have to think that the word “War” means something literal to these guys.
But noooo- you’re a bigshot with a big project and a deadline coming up. You need lots of powerpoint slides made up, lots of phone calls made, lots of email sent. The biggest risk you have is maybe someone will get a paper cut, or accidently drop toner on their new clothes.
Hopefully they didn’t try to make you use buzzwords when commenting your code. That’d be hilarious, even if it would render the whole idea of commenting code pointless. “Incrementalizes the looping paradigm? what the hell?”
I am pretty sure that there is some conspiracy Amongst elite marketing gurus that creates This stuff in the first place. I am not without sin Myself. You hear this crap day in and day out and It just sort of makes its way into your speech.
A Sampler Platter:
Philosophical umbrella
Dynamic (Try to build an effective working dynamic with your team.)
Hey, easy on the PowerPoint there kellymccauley - it’s possible there are PowerPoint developers reading this thread. Besides, if they’re using PPT to create long-winded buzzword-laden sentences, then they’re not using it as it was intended. It was intended to send naked pictures with commentary through Email.
waterj2, I was wondering that myself.
// This dynamic end-to-end convergence
//will empower right-sized users to create
// synergy by thinking outside the box
Gaah!!
I think this is my favorite thread I’ve ever started.* Glad to know this kind of BS exists everywhere.
[sub]* Except the link in my Sig, of course[/sub]
This isn’t my industry, but it is sufficiently loathsome to drive me bats anyway. Amtrak has now renounced the perfectly clear, dignified, descriptive, traditional, widely-understood term “passenger” in favor of…
…“guest”.
“All ticketed guests are now invited to board train #153…” BLEAGHH!! No!! Stop that at once, at once, do you hear?!!? Isn’t it bad enough I have to pay your ticket prices without having to listen to your vile neologisms into the bargain?
I swear, one of these days I’m going to hear that stupid phrase once too often and I’ll snap and take out the entire station with a semiautomatic. Or else, every time I go up to the ticket counter I’ll just say to the clerk, “Hey, if I’m your ‘guest’ then I shouldn’t have to pay! Ha-ha-ha-ha!”, until he snaps and takes out the entire station with a semiautomatic.
Speaking of the medical field: “This may cause a little discomfort, so we’re going to shoot you full of the stuff that Pres. Bush got that made him want to repeat his colonoscopy.”
Discomfort my ass.
Discomfort is when your underwear doesn’t fit right. Medical interventions cause pain, and I’d rather get some good pain control than hear you blather about possible discomfort.
Hey, as long as we’re all on the same page. I must have heard that phrase at least two dozen times at a meeting yesterday. Whatever happened to “in agreement” or just “we agree”? Is that too hard?
A-frickin-men. I hate that “diverse population” crap. You mean I’m not teaching a classroom full of clones? Damnation. Now I’ll have to change my teaching styles to reflect the diversity of my classroom!
“Teachable moment” doesn’t really bother me that much, but that’s because I sold my soul to the high schools. Getting their attention for longer than eight consecutive seconds is grand enough to get its own title.
“At-risk students” bugs the shit out of me but I don’t know why. As does “learning disabled”.
“Eatery” also gets me. What a pretentious, yuppie non-word. When I go to a bar, I don’t go to a “drinkery.” When I go to the store, I don’t go to a “shoppery.” It’s a flippin’ restaurant, okay?!
My company has a big fetish for words like “leverage”, “action plan”, “the name of the game”, etc. “Paradigm” and “bottom line” are used with puke-inducing frequency.
A good way to make some use of these buzzwords is to play “buzzword bingo” at your next meeting. Just do a Google search and this will bring up several sites that randomly generate a buzzword bingo board that you and your co-workers can take to your next meeting.
Besides, if they’re using PPT to create long-winded buzzword-laden sentences, then they’re not using it as it was intended. It was intended to send naked pictures with commentary through Email. 