Before I start, let me just say that I am happily married.
I am just turning 34 and many of my friends are living with their boyfriends/girlfriends and have been for an extended period of time. In looking at them there are two reasons for this:
There is one of them who is not 100% committed to the relationship and wants to have an ‘easy out.’ (I understand that it may not be easy but they don’t.)
They are making a conscious decision to be together ‘forever’ but have been disenfranchised against marriage for one reason or another.
I have absolutely no problems with the second group (since they have actually communicated and come to an agreement) but it was out of fear of falling into the first group that I got married. In fact, I would not even consider sharing my finances or household until that commitment was made. People can say a lot. Entering into a legal (and dare I say moral) agreement in front of your friends and family holds a little more heft.
Then your state is much different then it is here. There are no quick divorces in Maryland, the minimum you must stay married is one year from the date someone leaves the house. Also everything is joint in a marriage, even if you’re married for a week, your car, your house all of that is joint so you have to split it. If you go live with someone for that same week then it’s a gazillion times simpler.
I’ve also seen where a long term relationship broke down when my father broke up with his girlfriend. They owned a house together. It was as simple as refinancing the house and them figuring out how much they put into it and he paid her that much. Done in a couple of months all said and done. Since they had no kids together he never has to see her again.
Keep your house and rent it out then. Then you keep your credit, you will still own something and you get to save money. Something happens at least you have your house and while you may not be able to move right back into it you still have it.
As I said, I see zero point in getting married. People lie, cheat and steal in any kind of relationship, the hell with needing to go through the court and pain just to not be with someone again. That’s just based upon my experiences and not what I think others should do. I don’t even think I notice people who are not married and live together as it’s not really my business.
It appears Maryland is one of a handful of states with a waiting time. I didn’t know that.
As to the property, what is simpler. Assume everything is joint, and split it, or go item by item determine who is the owner, or if it is joint, what percentage of ownership each person has. You are confusing simplicity with protection of assets. They are separate ideas.
That’s no real different from divorce. If the couple agrees on a property split, then it’s just forms to file. But if they don’t, that’s when the legal bills pile up. It’s no different. If your father and his girlfriend couldn’t agree on how to split the property, they would have had to go to court and spend an assload of money. Just like married people.
Seems like a hell of a commitment to me! They spent more on building the setup than my whole house is worth, and all so they could be together on mutually satisfactory terms.
We wanted to set up POAs for us for each other, and my Dad for both of us as well. the will covered factors such as guardianship of our children in the event of both of us dying, as well as splitting of estate between our siblings should both Boy From Mars and our kids and I all die at the same time. These things wouldn’t be covered by simply getting married and dying intestate can cause delays to probate which we would prefer to avoid.
My SO and I have been living together for almost 20 years.
We’ve been through all the stuff that married couples go through:
buying houses, removing wallpaper, losing jobs, losing parents, moving for a job. People that we meet assume we are married. We’ve out lasted a lot of our friends marriages.
The only benefits, I can think of, that marriage would confer are:
survivor benefits to my pension plan
being able to be on each others health insurance
getting to throw a big party
Everything else we can do via a lawyer.
For us, it’s kind of come down to - what difference would it make?
Does exchanging vows in front of friends and family really add validity to our relationship? Does a piece of paper signed by the church and/or state mean we treat each other better? If either of those answers is yes, maybe we really shouldn’t be together.
Now if we were to have a child, or if one of us loses a job long term, we are quite likely to go visit the court house and get married, for the additional benefits.
Neither of went through parents being divorced. Neither one has been through an ugly break up. We’re not afraid of committment. We’re just happy with our commitment to each other, and getting married doesn’t add anything to that.
My aunt and her boyfriend have been together for 20+ and have never gotten married. I treat her boyfriend like an uncle because he’s been around as far back as I can remember (I’m 24) and he plays that role for me, but there’s absolutely no familial relationship. I have never understood it. They live like they’re married, but they don’t have any of the documentation. They are both getting on in years and I sincerely hope they have done all the POA/visitation stuff for when one of them starts to experience health problems.
5 years with girlfriend and we have no solid plans to get married. For me, a relationship should be about love and companionship and not documents, property and finances.
We have no plans to have kids — that’s probably the biggest factor that could compel me to change my mind.
We’re probably not in a position to buy a house in the area we live in (Westside L.A.). So that’s not an issue.
The perceived permanence of marriage is a myth that people really really like to delude themselves with. My gf used to be married and I met her when she was divorcing her ex (not because of me, though).
Although I’m not libertarian, there is something I chafe at regarding the government having any business in my relationship with another person. I think it’s fucked up that getting a marriage license is usually quick and easy, but getting a divorce is usually painful and expensive.
She has a lot of debt from school and under the Obama Student Loan Forgiveness Program, she’ll be able to pay if off much faster if we don’t get married or combine accounts. And call me cold, but I don’t like the idea of having all the savings I scrimped for cushion and retirement to be wiped out for someone else’s debts. That said, I know that whether we “combine accounts” there is a merging of finances on some level so long as we do live together. Since my job pays more than hers, I end up paying a commensurate percentage of our living expenses.
I knew a couple who had been together around seven years. They decided to do a commitment ceremony, but they weren’t going to get legally married. Then the Terry Schiavo fiasco made news. They decided to get married after all. They didn’t think it would make an actual difference in their relationship, but it did. I’ve lost touch with them, but I am pretty sure they’re still married.
I’m currently single, but if I find the right woman, I want to marry her. I think publicly declaring your commitment before family and friends means something. I don’t give a fuck about God, because I’m an atheist, or the state. I would feel weird referring to my girlfriend after so many years together. I’d also get tired of the nosy questions about when we were going to be tying the knot.
You keep coming back to the money. Money isn’t a driving factor in my life. We won’t let it be a driving factor in if we get married. Yes, I would prefer that my SO was able to collect my pension, but it’s just one consideration among many. In addition, we have made insurance and financial plans that, barring a disaster, will leave the survivor able to go on, financially.
As far as the insurance goes, right now, it makes zero difference. We each work, and we each are insured through our employer. If we were married, that wouldn’t change.
As I said above, if one of us loses a job and can’t find a replacement, we might get married in order to get the insurance.
Yes, I did read the entirity of your successive posts of spurious, barely cogent ratinoalization and increasingly dismissive and invideous responses to posters who have made a legitimate attempt to answer your question honestly and openly. It is readily apparent that you have no interest in such answers other than to fuel your own self-induced chagrin that anyone dare disagree with you. Unfortuantely, there is no forum titled Pathetic Baiting Questions I Must Vomit Out To Validate My Meaningless Existence but if there were your post and subsequent responses would be an exemplar of expected format and content.
shrug I guess I can divide the legal construct of marriage with the social/cultural aspect. To me, going down to the courthouse, filling out some forms, and paying a hundred bucks is worth the benefits. I’m not saying gather all your friends and say until death do us part. I’m saying fill out forms to get certain benefits.
IMO, if you’re getting married for the financial benefits, you’re doing it wrong. To me, the social/cultural aspects are more important. I want both, but if I had to choose one or the other, I’d rather have a commitment ceremony and not get legally married than just go down to the courthouse and sign papers. YMMV
And some of us are saying, repeatedly, that we’ve weighed the pros and cons, and for us it’s not worth it. My SO and I talk about this maybe twice a year, and so far, the scales have not tipped. It’s getting closer, but it’s not there yet.
In addition, there would actually be a fair number of hurt feelings, in both my and my SO’s families, if we got married and didn’t invite people. Don’t ask me, people are weird, but it’s true none the less. No one objects any more to us not being married, but we’d catch hell if we did get married and didn’t have at least a wedding reception.
We’ve been together 12 years and have no plans to get married. The idea of marriage is meaningless to us - we’re not religious, and don’t feel the need to have our relationship socially validated with a slip of paper. We own property together, have living wills and are listed as each other’s beneficiaries on our life insurance policies. If one of us lost our job, we would be eligible for the other’s health insurance. We’ve done the power of attorney thing. None of this required a lawyer, by the way (PoA required a notary, which was $10). Really, your reasons for getting married sound just as lame to me as the reasons for not getting married that you dismiss.
I guess my mileage did vary. My wife and I had been together for over 7 years, and had two kids, when we finally got married in 2002 (by a countuy judge and two witnesses - cost us about $100). And we only did it because we really needed the extra scratch the tax break would give us. We’ve been together for 16 years now, with a couple more kids, and we still celerate as our anniversary the day we realized we were in love (January 15th, 1995, at around 9:30am).
While my experience might seem to affirm the OP, I can say that if we hadn’t needed the extra cash, I think we’d still be perfectly comfortable not being married. I say if the concept of marriage is unimportant to a couple, then why bother? For us, it was important at the time, but for more pragmatic reasons than for others.
