So far for Drachillix and** Cyn**, no deals have broken us. We met 5 years ago online and will be married for 3 in August. We argue and rarely raise our voices. We’ve made each other cry. When my dad had a triple bypass, my husband was right there with me, even though my parents had never been kind to him. When his company wanted to interview him 3000 miles across the country, I got on the planes taking antibiotics for bronchial pneumonia and smiled prettily all through dinner. We are an awesome team. We are better together than we are apart. Political issues, personal opinions and differing up-bringings make us interesting to each other. The closest we’ve come to an insurmountable obstacle was 6 weeks ago in the furniture store. ( Black leather sofas! You want BLACK LEATHER SOFAS?! How Hugh Hefner can you get?! )
We got gray leather sofas, They are lovely. I forgive him for wanting black leather sofas.
Working through disagreements has added to a sense of stability in our marriage (nineteen years). When we’ve aired our feelings and concerns and even anger and later we are still able to joke with one another or hug or talk about something else, there is an underlying affirmation of “We’re still here.”
I just read this aloud to him and got the sweetest smile.
(We also met online back before the internet was accessible – when local BBSs were the rage.)
**Blah, blah blah blah[/size]
Marriage isn’t necessarily about “Who’s the Boss” sorry to interject Tony Danza into your mind like that.It’s about a partnership or a business, I’ve learned.
If your co-worker can’t come to work that day because they are sick you don’t mope about and scream about what a lazy ass they are or ’ I’m not doing that …that’s a womans job’. You’d be fired or demoted or given more work to do. Just shut up and do the job. Yeah, it sucks, but it could be worse. You help them out and know that when you are flat on your back, they’d do the same for you. Act like an adult, not like a petulant child and remember, ‘No Man Has Ever Been Shot While Doing Dishes.’ and "No Woman Has Ever Been Strangled While Folding Laundry.’ And no one has ever died ( except the Collyer Brothers) from a disasterous house.
If your spouse as an area that is a hot button topic and you continiously push them towards whatever it is (Whether accidental or pure maliciousness); chances are that your spouse is not suddenly going to get over it or suddenly come over to you line of thinking which is the 'right way ’ of thinking or become orgasmic in delight to have this subject/situation thrown repeatedly at them. They are going to either explode or slowly simmer while harboring resentment. Respect the boundaries they put up, they are there as a survival instinct until they can handle the situation better or the situation just disappears…(ha, as if.)
The hot-button topics, kiddies, are our own zen like moments of “Why does X bother me so much and what can I do to overcome this anthill in the Grand Scheme of the Universe?” Or, you can retreat to your inner Happy Place until the Situation Goes Away. Your choice.
We’ve never yelled at each other…ok, once, back in December of 99. was pregnant and very sick with a sinus/ear/throat infection and had to endure the Groundhog’s Day All Over Again that is Xmas with his Family and it was the breaking point for both of us over a well meant shitty gift (again!) . He yelled. I yelled. One sentance each. More like a blurb, really. We both apologized,claimed insanity and gave eachother offsetting penalties. The very next day he ended up accidently unconsciously agreeing aloud with my side of the argument. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I beleive I coughed up a lung in pure happiness for being right. We also utilize the wonders of Ma Bell for any terse hot button topics. That way it is a neutral territory and no one sees the other doing the :rolleyes: or 
or :mad: or ;j .
( Or you could be like FOAF who argue ‘through’ stuffed animals. No lie. One’s a laywer, the other is a PhD and they utilize stuffed animals as their mediators. It’s brilliant and hysterical all at the same time.)
Mr. Ujest doesn’t like it if I swear when I am annoyed with something he’s done or not done. I don’t like him taking the focus off the matter ( being him and what ever it is he’s done or not done) and redirecting back at me and my glaring faults when I am trying to whip him into being the Ultimate Husband ™. It took me years…years!! to realize this trick of his. Made me feel like poo, y’know, fer fucking swearing and all.
I have learned alot from him: patience, kindness and respect,and, ferfcuks sake, something about pride and work ethic…GAH! I’m still a doper, ain’t I?
What has he learned from me after 12 years of connubial insanity? Sarcasm and how to take a nap in the middle of the day without any guilt. ( I win!)
In the words of a friend, " It’s not love. It’s competition."
Harborwolf and I have been together for nearly ten years. We started dating when I was sixteen, and he was eighteen. It had the ingredients for casual fling written all over it. Well, guess what? We’ve endured SO MUCH, and much of it is totally reliant on forgiveness, evolving together, and understanding.
We don’t fight a lot, but when we do, it can be UGLY. Oddly, we agree on things like our psycho families, parenting, family time etc, but we can really fight when one of us hurts the other’s feelings. Both of us are relatively sensitive to that, and we’re both very defensive. Some of our worst fights have resulted in misunderstanding what the other person meant by something. Ugh. Thankfully, we’ve reached a point in our relationship where forgiveness is always going to happen. I never worry that a fight will break us up the way I worried about it when I was sixteen. Now, I just want to make up and get on with life.
I’ve been in a screaming, dishes go flying, always afraid of setting the other person off relationship. So maybe it’s because I come from that perspective that I don’t perceive our discussions as arguments or fights.
deal breakers are deal breakers. Brainiac4 pulls a deal breaker, he’s out of there.
We have disagreements. And even occational fights. And hurt feelings And forgiving. But lots of forgiving - no. I had that in my first marriage and I wouldn’t put up with it again. I’ll only let someone treat me like a doormat so much.
My husband and I don’t fight. We have disagreed on a few things, but we never fight. Why would you fight with someone you love, if there’s a way to work it out without it?
Dr. Phil (enough with the rolling eyes already) said yesterday that one of the best indicators of whether a couple will stay together is if their fights go into character assassination. Maybe that’s the crucial point here - you can fight, and yell, and jump up and down and get all worked up, but if your fights don’t degenerate into name-calling, it’s still healthy. Jim and I have had our disagreements, but I have never even wanted to call him a mean name. (Well, he gets called poopyhead quite frequently, but that’s different.) I respect him, he respects me; we just don’t go there.
And sometimes we fight through the cats. “Your daddy sure doesn’t like to do dishes. No, he doesn’t.” All said in exaggerated baby-talk.
Re arguments:
my maternal grandparents had the kind of relationship that was based on “fighting so you have an excuse for making up”. The fights were in front of their daughters - the making up wasn’t. So my mother was extremely keen on never, ever, having a fight in front of the kids.
Problem: she never, ever said “I have a different opinion” in front of us, either. Since Dad usually was faster answering, and since he would contradict her in front of us (at which point she would instantly change to his side) this means that his opinions “were Gospel” to us kids. I reached 23 yo convinced that my parents were the anti-hydra, two bodies and one head; she still claims that I had no interest in Computer Science or Architecture (two possible careers that were Forbidden by dad in front of her, during meals).
I do think it’s as important to avoid screaming fights as complete, instant “oh my dear of course you are right”, from the kids’ point of view — and, I suspect, from the point of view of the relationship itself, too. If you agree, neato! If you don’t, it’s sure better to talk than to throw dishes, and definitely better to yell than to have one person who kills her/his own opinions.
A few weeks after I was married, I ran into a couple at a book fair. The two were both practicing psychiatrists, and had been married for many years. The husband said to me, “You want to know the three secrets to a happy marriage? Overlook, overlook, overlook.”
I never forgot that. And it’s true. It’s hard living with another human being, whether you’re married to them or not. We screw things up all the time. Cut each other some slack.
Often.
Interesting. Here’s an excerpt from a Financial Times article (sorry, whole article subscription only)
There are a few more excerpts on this blog: http://www.marginalrevolution.com/marginalrevolution/2005/05/the_secret_to_a.html
I’ve never had what you would call a successful relationship (mostly because I haven’t had much in the way of really serious relationships), but from everything I’ve heard the two most important things are (a) argue the right way (lots of “I understand why you feel that way” and “This is how x makes me feel” and “How does x make you feel” and “Maybe we should meet halfway”) and (b) never go to sleep with an argument [ unresolved ]. The latter advice was from a couple who set the world record for longest marriage at 80 years or so; I saw them recently on CNN. Forgot the names.
I think what’s being said is that those issues can be resolved without fighting. I grew up in a household where one parent operated under the “I have to let it out by screaming” principle while the other tried to be calm and reasoning. They usually resolved their differences eventually, but it was EXTREMELY trying (by which I mean psychologically damaging) to grow up with all the verbal explosions. If you like to scream and fight, be my guest; do whatever gets you up in the morning. But–and please don’t take offense, I understand where you’re coming from–do me and your son a favor by keeping him out of it if you can.
I suspect that they subconsciously send you two “Entertain-us-by-sniping-at-each-other” brain waves which get picked up subliminally and reacted to. (These same kind of brain waves used to get me free food from waiters and hard drink from friends. It doesn’t work as well as it used to; maybe because I started thinking about it. 
)
Actually, as much of an outspoken anti-Dr.-Philian as I usually am, I think I saw that episode. Was that the child custody one? I learned a lot from watching that. I used to roll my eyes whenever I so much as thought about Dr. Phil, but I actually found the show very educational.
Seven years married, no big blowouts, maybe 3 times a year we have a major argument.
I’m the one who usually apologises first (even when I’m right) but that usually breaks the ice and leads to her apologising as well.