I should think a “deal-breaker” is, by definition, something that ends a relationship. Hence, anyone still together hasn’t been confronted by one. Rather, what constitutes a deal-breaker differs for different people.
My wife and I have the occasional spat, but it’s never anything serious. I almost feel sorry for those folks who never yell at their spouse on occasion. I’d spontaneously combust. I can’t imagine anyone who could never piss me off would be remotely interesting or challenging, and the inability for either one of us to express irritation honestly would lead either to head-exploding tension or intolerable passive-aggression.
Plus, post-fight sex is pretty hot. Forgiveness has its perks, which tend to be most apreciated for their rarity.
Now certainly there must be some unforgivable acts either of us could commit, but we just wouldn’t. We love and respect each other, and genuinely enjoy living life together to such an extent that we’d be devastated without each other. Why would we do something so stupid as to jeopardize that? Anything less is small stuff, and needing to forgive now and then just isn’t a big deal.
I still have many lessons to learn about compromise. In the past, the best compromises take place when I tell my wife, “Let’s try it your way for some specific period of time. Then we can re-evaluate and see how to proceed from there.”
That’s the stance I’ve taken with homeschooling this past year. Even though our son is still preschool age, my wife teaches him some math and reading. Thus far this has worked out. The interesting twist is that my wife quit her job to stay home during the week. After three months, my wife went back to work three days a week and stayed home with our son the other two days. This makes me wonder how much she wants to stay home five days a week and homeschool him next year.
Still, she wants to homeschool him this fall. I’m pretty sure she could teach him the academics well. I would just hate to see our son miss out on interacting with all the other kids and teachers.
I’ve looked at some compromises that we could make. We could find a half-day kindergarten and have her homeschool him half the day. We could find a private kindergarten. I could give in and let her homeschool our son for a year full time and re-evaluate the decision when it comes time for first grade. I have a really hard time with that last option.
I hate compromising when I’m the only one giving in. That may not be the reality. That’s how I feel sometimes. I try to be understanding of my wife’s desires. At the same time, I have my own boundaries. If I have no say in matters that are important to me in our family, there seems little point to being apart of the family. So yes, I feel a lot of resentment. I want to heal and get off the emotional roller coaster for awhile.
My husband and I don’t really fight, either. It’s just not worth it to either of us. Sure, we have some healthy discussions but never anything I’d consider a deal-breaker. For one thing, I just can’t stay mad at the guy for more than 10 minutes or so. We’ve had plenty of close friends who argue constantly. They fight in public, one is leaving the other over something petty every other week, etc., etc. We don’t want to be one of those couples. Ever. So we’ve made a pact that we will never argue in public or in front of our friends. If we have something we’re upset about, we wait until we’re at home, and then have a discussion about whatever was upsetting us. By then, we’re usually calmed down or have forgotten about it anyway.
I will say that at the beginning of our relationship, we used to fight more. Then again, we were 17 when we started dating, so I blame most of the early stuff on teenage silliness.
I really like the way you framed this. Of course you’re right, the home needs to be a sanctuary.
I’m just figuring that friction builds up in a relationship. That energy has to go somewhere. Are the non-fighting posters here saying that their partners never make them angry? Hubby pisses me off frequently - just last night, he blew off childcare when I was exhausted following a sleepless night, saying he had work to do on the computer. When I gave up trying to rock our son asleep & brought him out to give him Tylenol & found Hubby playing computer games - you bet your butt I was mad! We had some words today.
Maybe part of it is our temperaments - Hubby and I are both passionate, volatile people. A lot of people I see in public look like sleepwalkers to me. We’re pretty animated.
My parents never, ever fought - they’d have these intellectual arguments, but without any passion. And my Mom was always telling me what a great marriage they had. Well, that kind of went out the window when they finally did start talking emotionally and their marriage blew up after 27 years. So I’ve felt like being authentically, emotionally engaged was more important than keeping the peace.
Of course there are fights, fights, and fights. Certain lines shouldn’t be crossed, even in anger. I’m not saying all fighting is good. I think it takes practice.
The other thing is - I’m really surprised that people can sustain relationships without being seriously disappointed by their SO. People change so much over time, it surprises me that people here are saying they’ve adapted painlessly.
“Adapted painlessly”? Who said that? My husband and I met in our thirties - I think that has a lot to do with the dynamic of our relationship. I think we have a deep appreciation for each other, and our relationship - you can let a lot of little shit slide when you’re truly grateful to have your spouse in your life.
So, Topher, you’re not fighting about kindergarten, you’re fighting about your resentment at not feeling like you have a say in the decision-making process in your family. Sounds fair to me. No one likes to feel powerless. Have you discussed this with your wife, though?
I think that one thing that’s been really important in my relationship has been the mutual knowledge that we are both committed to making it work. Within that context, sure we can fight. And maybe there have been times when one or the other of us, or our relationship, has had serious problems. I can’t imagine that ANYTHING is completely without problems. But because we’ve decided to, we work it out. And of course that involves forgiving.
I think it’s a combination. I do feel very passionate about sending our son to kindergarten. I like your idea of talking about my thoughts of feeling powerless in family decision-making. Both my wife and I feel powerless when dealing with each other at times. She likes to paint me as the “NO” man. I often paint her as “let’s come up with the most bizarre ideas and insist on hubby go along with them.”
The strange part about being married is that I’m discovering sides of myself that I never saw before. I considered myself as being laid back when I was younger. As a married man, I realize that I can’t just accept every idea that my wife comes up with if I don’t like it. Perhaps I overcompensate.
Heck no. My husband pisses me off sometimes, but it’s rarely anything worth fighting over. I say something to him, he apologizes, the matter is resolved. I understand that he didn’t mean to piss me off, so once I’ve made him aware of it, that’s usually enough. I’m pretty emotional, but I also get over stuff pretty quickly.
Same here - we’ve been together for four years, married almost one, and have never had what I’d call an argument. We’ve had differing opinions of course, but we try to talk about it and voice our concerns as calmy and honestly as we can. It helps that he is the easiest person to talk to that I’ve ever known!
My husband’s parents (as I understand it) had a relationship where his dad would essentially do anything to placate his mom, and taught my husband to “just take it” when his mom went squirrely and/or ridiculously demanding. I say had because my husband’s dad died many years ago, not because they separated or divorced. My husband’s mom is convinced she had the best husband ever, but I think that the example he set for my husband was terrible. I don’t do blow-ups or yelling matches, and yet after almost 16 years of dating and marriage he still seems to be terrified of me getting angry.
My parents are part of an arranged marriage that has lasted to the present day, with periodic rages on my mother’s side and periodic silent treatments from my dad. From an objective point of view, they are a horrible pairing. I am amazed that they are still together, but figure if they’ve made it this far, they will never break up, out of sheer determination. I do not enjoy going back to visit, as the constant sniping (even if often witty and superficially amusing) gets quite tiring, even when not directed at me.
My husband and I are usually able to negotiate around any potential deal-breakers. It helps that we do not want to fight with each other, that we know that each of us loves and does not want to hurt the other, that we are committed to each other and that we are pretty rational people. We stand up for what we each want (fortunately the coincidence rate is quite high) and when there are clashes on that front, we try to work out acceptable compromises. Certainly if one of us really cares about an issue and the other has a different opinion but is only mildly attached to it, then the person who really cares wins that discussion. The other thing that I find helps to be able to tell my husband that for certain topics, I will need some time to calm down and let my mind work on an issue before I start talking to him, so that I won’t say unjustified and hurtful things.
Forgiveness? Yes, of course, mutually, for things big and small. We’re not holding the other hostage to our forgiveness, but my forgiving him lets me move on and I’m sure vice versa as well.
I’m engaged, but we’ve been dating for three years, living together for two and a half. (we fell in love all quick-like).
We disagree sometimes, and sometimes I get bitchy and pick a fight about something small, but we’ve never had an all-out fight.
Oddly, we tend to bicker a lot when we’re in front of other people. At home, we never nitpick little stuff, but we get around our friends and the claws come out. I don’t know why.
FilmGeek, congratulations on your engagement. Let me offer some advice based on what I didn’t do prior to getting married. Talk a lot with your fiancé about your attitudes and priorities regarding finances, child rearing (if applicable), religion and values. This seems like a good way to avoid deal breakers later in your relationship or, at least, minimize surprises.
My wife and I tend to bicker in private and play nice around friends and family. This tends to be less embarrassing.
I second that - couples bickering in front of other people is embarrassing for the other people that have to witness it. I get very uncomfortable when a couple argues (or bickers) in front of me; I want to ask them if they’d like me to leave so they can have a proper fight. Put another way, I have no interest in seeing anyone else’s dirty laundry. That stuff’s private.
Bricker, I’m really glad to see from your location that it’s not possible I could have ever dated you IRL…
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For some reason I always tend to gravitate towards people who are of the “ignore Big Problems and I’m sure they’ll go away” mindset. I, on the other hand, am of the “discuss Problems ad nauseam” mindset…danger, Will Robinson, danger!
But to answer the OP:
I think compromise is the key to any successful relationship. If I like the bedroom windows sealed up tight at night, and my gentleman friend likes to have them wide-open…well, someone’s obviously not getting what they want, are they? Same on larger issues. Both must be flexible and willing to compromise…it doesn’t do if one partner is very domineering and the other partner always capitulates to him/her. (But then again, if that makes them happy…)
But forgiveness? I don’t know. I’ve honestly never had someone with whom I was in a relationship do anything so severely bad to me that it would require a conscious act of forgiveness. And of course there are some issues that are forgive-'em-or-leave-'em proposition: cheating, committing a crime, stealing things from you, snooping amongst your possessions. I would like to think that if someone did those things to me, I would be able to either say “I forgive you” or “Get out of here right this second.” But there are people who keep on with their relationships without having really forgiven grievous wrongs, and I don’t think I could live like that…
So I don’t know, really. Interesting question, though!
I don’t think I could stand living with someone who wanted to pick a fight every so often just because.
The Lovely and Talented Mrs. Shodan and I got most of our arguments out of the way the first ten years. After that, it sort of tapered off, mostly because she learned to see what hits me in one of the many weak spots in my personality. And to tread cautiously around those subjects, and be ready to forgive when I blow up. And seeing her do it has helped me (I think) in doing the same with her.
But no real deal-breakers. We still have spats, but not major stuff. No adultery or other major transgressions, and especially no sense that the other partner is withdrawing from the commitment. It would seem to me that if there were a lot of deal-breakers, or if all the forgiveness was going one way or the other, somebody is doing something wrong. Or probably you both are.
But both the Lovely and Talented Mrs. Shodan and I are in this for the long run. My mother says, “The first thirty years are the hardest”. And this Sunday marks twenty-three years for TLaTMS and I. So we are getting close.
I have to wonder exactly what you consider an “argument” or “fighting”. It’s certainly possible that two people can live without screaming and having the dishes go flying. It’s a little harder to believe that Geobabe’s husband always apologizes when he pisses her off, and just about impossible to believe that he never thinks he was right to do whatever pissed her off and is pissed off that she got pissed off. Trying to convince someone that your position is the correct one is pretty much the definition of argument- not screaming, not dishes flying.
I have always been attracted to women who didn’t take shit, and that includes my shit. I, also, don’t take shit from my peers, given that I sometimes have to swallow it at work. I’ve had bad experiences with women who tried to subsume their whole identity into me, who couldn’t stand to have a different opinion than I did politically or personally. Maybe it’s a Jewsish thing, or maybe it’s just my family, but we show affection by fuckin’ with you. Anyway, I couldn’t stand to be with someone that didn’t fuck with me back. (Someone a while ago started a thread about which character on Buffy we were most attracted to – for me it was Cordelia, hands down, because she doesn’t give a fuck what you think about her.) It’s certainly pleasant not to fight – when Mrs. Cliffy and I manage two or three weeks without an argument I enjoy it, but it would be deathly boring if we never fought. I’d say we have shouting matches no more than every couple months, but we argue more often than that.
My husband and I met in our thirties - I think that has a lot to do with the dynamic of our relationship. I think we have a deep appreciation for each other, and our relationship - you can let a lot of little shit slide when you’re truly grateful to have your spouse in your life.