Two guy friends and I were talking yesterday and my wife called (fifteenth call of the day) and they heard me talking to her ‘all sweet and stuff’. When I got off the phone, they laughed and said that this will basically end soon, the sweet talking, the romantic period, etc. By the way, they are two happily married guys, IMO.
My wife and I met about 4 years ago and we were basically the same way. She would joke that all of her friends told her “that our great sex would end after one year”. A year later, it changed to “wait to you get married”. Next we got married “wait until after the first year”. Now the first year is passed, so we get "you’ll see in a couple of years.
It is pretty well known that the first few years of a marriage/relationship is hard. so this question is for ALL dopers who have been with their S.O. for more than 7 years AND is still with them. I don’t care if you are married, shacking up, living together, straight or gay. A relationship is a relationship. Help us who are still new in a relationship, or those who are looking forward to one.
If there is ONE thing that kept you together for so long, what is it?
What do you think is most important in a relationship (communication, sex, a good fight, open marriage)?
(Not in that kind of relationship, but I do believe that a lot of the stuff about “romantic relationships” is simply valid for any kind of emotional relationship)
Respect and communication seem to be key. Being able to work problems out requires both.
Best way to send things down the drain, manage to lose respect for each other. Notice that I say respect, not… fear or… amazement at the greatness of your magnificent master/mistress.
My grandparents don’t have much of either, but then, their marriage of 70 years isn’t my idea of a good relationship. Too much yelling, too much abuse of all kinds except actual hitting.
What I always tell couples is that the most important thing is to always consider your partner’s thoughts and feelings about what you’re doing and saying. Do this consistently and honestly. If you’re not a jerk and actually care about his/her thoughts and feelings, then this will probably put a voluntary restraint on a lot of the things that cause couples to break up.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 6. We started dating when we were 17.
If there is ONE thing that kept you together for so long, what is it?
We’re best friends. There’s no one else I enjoy spending time with more than my husband.
What do you think is most important in a relationship (communication, sex, a good fight, open marriage)?
I agree with Nava that it’s respect and communication.
What is ONE thing that can ruin a marriage?
Lack of communication. Also (I know you said only one), for me, infidelity. That’s a big one for me because of how my parents’ marriage ended.
I’ve heard that “The passion will die in 1-4 years” meme quite often, but I’ve never bought it.
I’d imagine than in the relationships where that happens, neither party made any effort to
keep fanning the flames, but let themselves get stuck in routine.
I’d appreciate a geniune opportunity to prove my theory tho…
In my not-so-humble opinion, the most important factor to a lasting relationship is friendship. A lot of people* love their partner, but they don’t really like *them.
My advice:
Marry your best friend.
Communication, communication, communication. Tell your partner when something’s bothering you and be willing to listen when they do the same. Be willing to admit you might be in the wrong.
Never stop dating your partner. Marriage does not mean the courtship should stop. Any day in which you didn’t show your partner why you love them is a wasted day.
I think it mainly just comes down to the fact that we really like each other. We’ve been married almost 24 years now, and this is not getting at all old (although we are).
Obviously, communication is a big thing, but that, in turn, hinges on wanting to communicate. And that comes back to liking each other.
Also, in our relationship, it’s very important to both of us to let the other be themselves. We don’t place a shitload of demands on each other.
Infidelity would be the deal breaker in our marriage. But it ain’t gonna happen.
This is life>>>>> ^^^^^^^^ sharp peaks full of traps and faults.
We all have them but if you can ride easy over them like this ~~~~~~~ and recognise that both you and your partner have annoying habits then you’ll get along just fine…I think
If there is ONE thing that kept you together for so long, what is it?
Honestly, quite simply a conviction that we HAVE to. I think if we had gotten the idea somewhere along the way that a relationship was like a change of clothes - like some people seem to have - then it would have ended earlier. But each time we had a crisis, the question was always, do I really want to end it over this? And we never did, so we found a way to work through it.
**What do you think is most important in a relationship (communication, sex, a good fight, open marriage)? **
Communication. The rest of it all comes from communication.
What is ONE thing that can ruin a marriage?
Never been married. But I’ve been in my LTR for 10+ years, and I’d have to say trying to control the other person in the relationship. Humans naturally resent control and it does no good to you or them.
As for the passion dying, sure it does. I’ll admit it even did for us. The thing is, we worked hard to bring it back alive - and succeeded. You need two people who are willing to learn about each other and be very mature about this one thing. And you need two hard workers. Relationships are not easy things to maintain, and the romance of the first year can only be kept alive with constant care. Think of it like a garden. If you just do the minimum, then the plants will grow. But for the flowers to bloom, you need love.
If it is not too personal, do you mind if I ask how you brought the passion back into your marriage? My wife and I are still working on our communication to this day, and we tell ourselves everytime we get in a fight that it is only that, a fight.
The one fear we both have is losing our passion, our lovemaking, the butterflies, etc.
I have to agree with you there. I’m amazed at the number of people who are married who don’t even seem to like each other. You hear their voice change on the phone when they realize it’s their husband/wife, as if to say, “Oh, it’s only you.”
(Been married 12 years and still chugging along. It’s the longest I’ve ever done anything).
You don’t have to be wealthy to be happy. But, being able to manage the budget and pay the bills goes a long way into keeping a relationship happy and stable.
There is nothing worse than fights about money. They lead to the, “Why did you buy that? Why did you buy this?” when each person questions the other’s decisions.
I would add communication I really don’t think you can emphasize communication enough!
When I talk to my friends and they are unhappy–it always boils down to this one. They don’t talk to their wives–yet they want things to change and when it doesn’t, they stop talking and then nothing changes, and then the cycle repeats.
I also think it is the ‘little’ things that make the difference. For example my wife and I exchange a simple email every morning from work–and I love that email and so does she. It is just another way to touch base with each other and let the other know that you care and are thinking of them.
Kids always have an impact on your relationship. I love my child–but I also love my spouse. So we have date night every Friday. Highlight of our week–and frankly it is the highlight of my daughters week too. Mom and Dad get an adult night out–she gets to invite a friend over and order pizza and have a great time–all of us win!
finally a silly one–but an important one. The true secret to a lasting relationship
separate bathrooms! Man I love this. No fights about hair in the sink or makeup in my sink. Win-win for everyone!
Bah, this thread needs a little knuckle draggin neanderthal in it:
You can get a big ol’ pot belly. She, however, must remain frozen in time to the day you met.
She’s always willing to try new and unique things sexually2a. She does not, however, after the first few years, offer to teach new things sexually :eek: 3. Dinners always on the table when you get home. House is clean, clothes are washed.
Action films and sports - OK. Romantic comedies and dramas - Not.
I got four items, I don’t need to say ‘Hi’ to no one, dammit!
Mrs. D_Odds and I have been together for close to a decade. Seeing as how only number 1 is true so far, there might be other forces at work.
Knowing that “Yes Dear” is really a good answer for most of your conversations. (partial :D)
It’s all about the compromise.
Don’t expect your partner to change. If you didn’t like who they were when you married/met them, it’ll only bother you more as the years go by.
Find someone with a similar background to yours. Including looks. (a 5 should marry a 4-6, 7 marries a 6-8, etc…)
Live WELL within your means.
Don’t cheat.
Do the things around the house you are good at, let your partner do the things they are good at, and share the load on the things that neither of you are good at.
There is no “mine” or “yours” any more. It’s “ours” once you say “I do.” (except when the kid is bad, then it’s certainly theirs )
Don’t get married because you’re settling, or “it’s time.”
Make a decision and live with it.
Forgive mistakes. You’ll make plenty, so will they.
Kids DO NOT FIX ANYTHING. They amplify everything!
If there is ONE thing that kept you together for so long, what is it? Friendship. I WANT to be around my SO. Even sitting and reading in the same room is good. We have fun together. We still hold hands when we walk someplace. Hormones will fade, but friendships get better with age.
**What do you think is most important in a relationship (communication, sex, a good fight, open marriage)? ** Consideration for your partner.
**What is ONE thing that can ruin a marriage? ** Lack of communcation and unrealistic expectations.
Keep your interests. Dont quit golfing or softball. You will miss them and be resentful. Same for her. If she plays ball or golf. But I dont reccomend mixed teams. You both need a little space.
I really don’t think you can emphasize communication enough!
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