How many of us dopers have been married a LOOOOONG time? I know that I may be dating some of us.(age wise) But there HAS to be a reason that some mariages work and some don’t.
Any ideas that might make some relationships work when others seem to fail??
BTW checking in with 33 years of married (most times) bliss…
Any ideas on helping the younger couples??
I’ve been married 20 years (well, 20 years and six months, more or less).
I think the secret to a lasting marriage is the understanding and agreement, either tacit or actually spoken, that the marriage is more important then either partner.
Sure, sometimes it’s about him, and sometimes it’s about her. It’s got to be that way, because individuals need to be the centerpiece sometimes. If I’m really sick or stressed, my wife should pick up the slack and pamper me. Report cards are due in a couple weeks. My wife is going to have tunnel-vision about that to the exclusion of me, because her career is important to her (and to me, too).
But the balance has to swing back to the couple being most important for the majority of the time. Decisions are made with what’s best for the marriage uppermost. Arguments are not “won” or “lost” by an individual, but resolved based on what’s best for both of you.
Marriage is a living entity, the whole being greater than the sum of its parts. If the two of you are focused on making that entity as strong and healthy as it can be, you, as individuals will prosper, grow, and flourish, too.
I also think it’s important to laugh together, even through the bad times. And to genuinely like the person you love. My wife and I were friends before we became lovers, and we still enjoy each others’ company, companionship, friendship.
Congratulations on 33 years of “married (most times) bliss.” I like to tell people, “I’ve been happily married for 20 years. Of course, I’ve been married twenty-five years!”
Only 11 years here. But then, I’m only 30 so that’s pretty good.
As long as it’s OK to date Dopers in your marriage. 
16 years 10 months.
Marry not only someone you love, but someone you like. Be prepared to disagree and understand that a marriage does not give you and your partner a hivemind. Make your marriage a partnership, not a dictatorship. Have mind-blowing sex at least 15 times a week, if not more.
O.K., that last one isn’t a prerequisite for a long lasting marriage, I just felt like bragging.
I’m joking Houseman, honey! There’s no need to hire that PI to follow me around
Congrats ** Craneop2 ** .
My LIONsob and I will be married 25 years this May. I believe that ** Polycarp and his lovely wife ** may have us beat IIRC.
Our first date was 26 years ago in October. We have been together since then
Staying married hasn’t always been easy, and there were times I thought we wouldn’t make it, but we have. We are very different people now than we were when I was 19 and he was 20.
I will tell people is that if you go into it thinking you will change him/her forget it, it’s not gonna happen. If he/she has habits now that drive you bonkers those habits will most likely still be there in 20 years, Decide before the * I Dos* if you can live with it or not. It has taken me years to figure that one out.
Remember that you won’t be in the hearts and flowers, butterflies and sweet nothings stage each and every moment of each and every day. Passion rises and fades and rises again. No two people will agree everyday on everything. (But make up sex is fantastic !)
And finally I refuse to give up ! So does hubby, we are commited to seeing who can stand it the longest (that was a joke).
I guess the most important thing is to be sure you love the person you are marrying. Not who you want them to be.
It will be 10 years in May. ( 14 years together as of October.)
The secret?
Marriage is not about gazing at each other with loving eyes, it is gazing outward in the same direction.
(And not fighting about the small things because when some you love is on life support or in a horrific accident, does it really matter that the laundry is not caught up on or the sink is piled high with dishes?)
Never fight over money. There will never be enough of it anyway.
I think that’s a great line. It reminds me of what a very good friend of ours told us on our wedding night.
“Marriage is only a noun in the dictionary. It’s a verb at any other time.”
Ebb and flow and roll with the changes. We’re keeping that very firmly in mind.
-Nym - who might be married the shortest with 12/20/02
Well, just shy of 9 years (in March) for us, so I definitely don’t qualify as the longest (but some of you have been married longer than I’ve been walking or alive :P)
I have a great influence: my parents. They’ve been married for 31 years, since they were 18. Only to each other, and as far as I know, they’ve never separated. And they still like each other.
My husband is my best friend. He’s smart in the ways I’m not smart, good-looking, so incredibly funny, has a lot of integrity, believes in doing the right thing and taking responsibility when he does the wrong thing, and he rarely leaves the toilet seat up. And yes, of course we fight, but it’s always tempered with the knowledge that the love is still there and no fight is a deal breaker.
Eighteen years and five months today.
[sub]Yes, I married young.[/sub]
Coming up on 14 years, here.
The secret is to get married when something really bizarre happens. The news media make sure you don’t forget your anniversary, skip buying the flowers, and descend into a spiral of rancor, recrimination, and unhappiness.
In our case, it was the Iranian mullahs ordering Salman Rushdie put to death over The Satanic Verses. Every year when I turn on the radio and hear the solemn newsreader intoning “The fatwah on Salman Rushdie is now entering its whatevereth year,” I snap my fingers and run out to purchase a bouquet.
Dating now for over 29 years, married over 21.
'Twas twenty-three years ago in July. I think. <counts on fingers> Yeah, that’s right, 23.
Nothing beats stubborness for keeping the damn thing going. Seriously, I thiink it helps to appreciate your spouse’s complementary characteristics. I’m an artist, he’s a scientist, I’m emotional, he’s super-rational, I’m a woman, he’s a man (I especially like that part). Or, as I like to say, the rocks in his head fit the holes in mine. Your differences can become bones of contention and reasons to fight over how and what to do. Or they can become areas to learn, to compromise, to come to the best decisions and ways of doing things, to give you a breadth of vison and keep you from one-sided mistakes. Be who you are, let your spouse be who s/he is. Enjoy the places where you fit together well and give each other room in the places where you don’t, enjoying the fact that the courtesy is reciprocal and appreciating your spouse’s qualities for making him or her the person s/he is. It helps if you choose someone you can do that with.
I’m not married but this is pointless so I though I’d chuck it in.
There was a couple living here in Ky that was married 83 years until the husband passed away last November. That’s just astounding to me.
thought
But maybe not.
On June 22nd, we will have been married 40 years. Last year, we both forgot our anniversary. When we’d been married 33 years our oldest son got married and we repeated our vows at the rehearsal. The minister asked how long we’d been married and I said “A third of a century”.
It has been said by others already (especially by DAVEW0071), but I’ll add my version.
[ul]<It is not about you>
<It is not about me>
<It is all about we>[/ul]
It took me 7 years and two tries to figure out that I’m not really cut out for marriage. Blissfully unmarried for an year now. 
My parents know a couple who just had their 70th wedding anniversary. Yow. I think the husband’s 95, and the wife’s 92-ish. I think that sounds good- I’ll aim for that.
Lissla, who’s been married two weeks as of today, which is longer than some celebrity marriages, and who wants to brag.
I’ve been married on and off for 30 years.
If I can count only the current one, it’ll be 19 years in March.
kniz, we both regularly forget our anniversary. We always know when it’s coming up, but then it seems to just zoom past.
…been married twenty years and five months.
We manage to stay together with lots of laughter. I tell people that the reason I stay married to “Maroosh” is that she’s a good mother and she’s not afraid to tell me when I’m full of shit. She tells people, “He’s the reverend, I’m the irreverent.”
But we both know that the secret to a happy marriage is knowing when to keep your mouth shut.