DAVEW0071, I hope you don’t mind, but I copied your post and I’m going to give it to my daughter and her husband, who’ve been married for a little over a year. They fight bitterly, but refuse to leave each other. I’m camped firmly in the middle about what I want to happen for their future.
It breaks my heart to see my child so “unhappy” but hopefully your copy will give them a bit of insight into what their situation should truly be about. Marriage is tough by any definition, but sometimes it’s necessary to recognize whether it’s a possibly “good” marriage or “bad marriage.” They are both so young and self-absorbed, but then, weren’t we all at one time?
For my marriage and what it takes (it’s 11 years this March, and yes, second husband), I agree with idea about the laughter. You have to be able to get downright giggly together over just about anything. We wake up the kids some mornings by laughing about the things we dreamed about the night before, the things we did or said or heard the day before, or just things we think about that are silly, silly, silly. Of course, when money’s tight or the kids are being pains in the arse, or any little thing that can make you snappish, it’s good to be able to vent to your spouse and know that it won’t end the relationship just because you aren’t at your optimum level. And you let your spouse vent to you as well. It’s all about give and take, sort of like riding a see-saw (and I remember that activity fondly as a child, as long as the other person was carrying about the same amount of weight:)
That’s marriage. It’s the good. It’s the bad. It’s the ugly. But it’s also having a best friend for life, if you do it right.
My parents have been married for I believe 23 years now, and I admire that a great deal. They’re still a very loving, romantic couple, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen them fight with each other. A great match.
I can only hope it works out so well for Potter and me. touch wood
My parents have been married for 39 years now. (Dec. 26) I have never seen them argue. Not once. I grew up in the Brady Bunch household from hell. They adopted my older brother when he was 17. They also were foster parents to his various 5 brothers and sisters, while raising me and my 3 sisters. You think with all of this, there would have been at least one fight, but nope. I don’t know how they do it. My mom says, “sometimes you just have to laugh it all off.”
The only time I have seen my mom upset with my father was when he started a food fight, and no one wanted to clean up the mess.
Oh, and they got married 6 weeks after they met each other, so I guess they’ve been doing something right.
38 years. I don’t think that there are any secrets. Just believe that the marriage is more important than any issue, and be willing to examine what is going on in the relationship.
Be loyal and honest, and have a sense of proportion. Also be adaptable as you and your spouse change in all of the ways that everyone changes…wrinkles, and all. Keep talking to each other. Remember to flirt or tease.
Steal your spouse away from the normal life every once in a while, and surprise s/he with something you’ve never done. (my example was to surprise my wife with a 4 day get-away to Vancouver, BC in the fall. I arranged secretly for her to have time off from her job, and all of the details. We stayed in a great bed and breakfast, and walked around the inner harbor in the warm autumn sun, and in the chilled air of the shadows. Makes for hand-holding and great appetites for romantic dinners.
My wife and I will be celebrating our 40th anniversary in about three weeks. The previous posters have pretty much covered what it takes to make a successful marriage and I don’t really have anything new to add in that regard.
We did have a running joke when our four kids were little that whoever filed for divorce had to take the kids.
My wife and I will have been together 20 years this March. I firmly believe that it is because I have her conned. She thinks I’m worthy of her. I know better. Every day I try to come up with a way to convince her that she should keep me around for just a little bit longer.
So far she hasn’t seen through me yet…so I will keep hanging in there.
(You know what is crazy? She says the same thing about me…Have I got this woman fooled or what?)
I’m been married 9 months, so I’m nowhere near the running. My maternal grandparents just celebrated their 69th (hmmmmm) aniversary on Thanksgiving day, and I’m aiming to catch up, eventually.
I’m glad people responded so positively to my post. I guess Mrs. Dave-Guy and I are doing something right, after all.
ThirdMonkey, I don’t mind that you copied my post. If my take on marriage helps your daughter and SIL, then I’m very happy.
[sub]And as an aside to Cajun Man, what Veb said was merely the truth. And we missed you guys last weekend. A NYMegaFest isn’t the same without you two.[/sub]
You’re too sweet, Ayesha. We will celebrate our 28th anniversary in April – but were friends throughout school for 13 years before we got engaged (six months before marrying) so we’re past 40 years of “being together.” (In addition, my great-aunt, who was also Barb’s “honorary grandmother” through having known her parents well when she was little, claimed to her dying day that we played together at her house as toddlers – which would put us at well past 50 years of having known each other. Neither of us remember having done it, though.)
Lost my first wife over 6 years ago, and have passed what would have been our 30th anniversary last year.
Had to convince my current wife, who was marriage-shy, that I knew how to be married, and could teach her.
Had some time of adjustment, because coming to a marriage fully-formed instead of growing up with each other, you grow different sets of assuptions, and it takes a while to grow a set that’s common to you both and mutally acceptable. We are truly, deeply happy together.
My .02 of advice: Remember, at all times, she’s probably right.
This runs counter to what my wife and I try to achieve. As I said in my earlier post, arguments are not “won” or “lost” by anyone, they’re resolved as best benifits the partnership.
I’m perfectly willing to concede that my wife has a better memory than I do, and if she says she told me about something and I just don’t remember, she’s probably right.
But her greatest asset is her skill at listening to me when I have a beef and considering what I say. And then applying her conclusions to the partnership. It doesn’t make me right…it just makes us a better couple.
It’ll be 22 years for Mr. tlw and I in July. (I feel oooooooooold typing that out.) Our philosophy of relationships is simple and is the piece of advice that both of our mothers took us aside on our wedding day to share: don’t ever part with words unsaid. It takes “don’t go to sleep angry” to the next level, it’s a reminder that there is no time like the present to “get things straightened round” when there’s some disagreement, or, on the positive side, to share a word of love. It also keeps us on our toes: a relationship is work, and if you’re trying to abide by such a policy, you’re going to have to do that work. But it’s so worth it. So very much.
