I for one am bit stymied by marriage. My parents were divorced when I was very young. Same goes for my Dylan. Neither of us grew up in an intact household as so have no idea what a good marriage is suppossed to be like.
I’m not complaining, mind you… I’m way happier that I’ve ever been in any other relationship and wouldn’t trade my spouse in for anything.
So lets talk about it.
How long have you been married? Are you happy? Why or why not? What are your concerns, questions, etc…
Me, I’ve been married for 5 years to the absolute love of my life. I’m very happy now, although we have been to the bottom of the barrel at least a coupla times. My wife loves me and is so very patient.
I’d like to know how to keep a marriage vibrant and growing.
When the thread dies, (assuming it last’s longer than today) we can publish a book and call it “How to Build a Successful Marriage” or something.
Don’t ask me. I got divorced from my wife who was cheating on me with two other people. One male and one female. She ran out on me and left me with a huge pile of bills and payments. Took me to court over the divorce, and managed to get half of what she didn’t take with her when she ran out in the first place. Which wasn’t much, but it still left me with nothing, and it was totally unfair seeing as she was the unfaithful one, but AL is a no-fault divorce state, and everything gets divided right down the middle no matter what. I got screwed big time.
I had my faults too, don’t get me wrong, but I was always faithful to her, and I loved her with all my heart, and tried to show her that everyday. She just didn’t see it.
That’s my sob story. I’ve told it a couple of times now.
I’m still a little jaded about the whole marriage thing.
Well, from one Dew to another, I’m very happy as well.
Here’s my story (for what it’s worth): I was doomed from the start. My parents were never happy and my first serious relationship mirrored my parents’ relationship. You know how “they” say women always marry their fathers? That was me, engaged to my dad (figuratively speaking). We lasted about 5 years and he broke it off, which was a blessing in disguise.
Anyway, I met the absolute love of my life. I always thought I would have to “settle” for someone or settle for a relationship like my parents’, but I consider John and myself star-crossed lovers. It was an instant connection. We’ve known each other for a year and a half and have been married for a year and we communicate and are the best of friends. We always see each others point’s of view (we’re both Libras) and admit our mistakes. We’ve never had a fight, just little annoyances.
[soapbox]I think that marriage is taken way too lightly in today’s society and a good marriage is rare. If people married for love and not convenience, there would be a lot less divorce IMHO.[/soapbox]
I tried everything to make my first relationship a good one, but if you don’t TRULY love each other, then there’s no hope and no sense being married to one another.
I was married for a little over two years and it was absolutely horrible! At least I got my daughter out of the mess. My ex-husband is an alcoholic and was beginning to get physically abusive so I got out while my daughter was still under 2 years of age. I didn’t want her growing up around that. He still has visitation with her and will continue to have visitation as long as I don’t find out he’s drinking when he’s with her and as long as he’s not abusive to her.
I had an affair while I was married and got pregnant by the other man and that’s when I finally got the courage to get rid of my husband and divorce him. I didn’t want to have another child around him in any way, shape, or form (he knew it wasn’t his but that wasn’t a factor in our divorce).
I told everyone I would never get married again but I’m about ready to take the plunge for the second time in April 2001. This time though I’m marrying a wonderful man whom I can talk to and laugh with and who treats me very well! He loves me and my children and is a wonderful father to them. I couldn’t be happier. I know what I want and I know how to stand up for myself now and I will never allow a man to treat me as badly as my ex-husband did!
Married for just over four weeks now, so I probably can’t provide much in the way of wisdom… but I can say I’ve never been happier. I love my wife more every day.
Well, its been 23 years now and I would NOT go through the first 5 again. The thing is, now that we’ve pounded each other into shape (figuratively speaking) we have a really good relationship.
My first boyfriend in high school said to me, “When I get married, I want my wife to wait on me hand and foot…and I’ll do the same for her.” I kept that in mind throughout the years.
About four years ago, I broke off my engagement two months before we were supposed to be married. About a month later, I met someone who I instantly connected with. I won’t say it was love at first sight…it wasn’t and I don’t really believe in that. It felt like I was with myself. We could sit and read or watch t.v. or whatever, and I was more comfortable than I’d ever been. We still end up in the corner talking to each other every time we go to a party.
I remember one day that spring. We had gone to a rugby game that my (now) husband was playing in. We came back to my apartment, got showered and dressed, and got a beer. Some other guys from the team and their wives/girlfriends came over. I was in the kitchen and I looked up and saw him sitting on the porch, talking to someone. I got this weird, dizzy sort of feeling and I knew that he was someone I needed to cherish.
My husband and I have been married about a year and a half. I wait on him hand and foot…and he does the same. Although we’ve had disagreements, we’ve never raised our voices to each other. I always know that I can come to him with any problem, whether it’s something related to us or not.
He never belittles me or makes me feel stupid. The women he works with tell me he brags about me all the time. I do the same. I’m very careful about never saying anything negative about him to other people. If we have a disagreement or are just generally bugging each other, I don’t go to my girlfriends and badmouth him. That’s something my mother taught me…she complains about my father a lot and it lowers him in other people’s eyes. I want everyone to know what a great man my husband is.
I know that we haven’t been together for a really long time, but I know we will. We work hard to not only love each other, but to be nice to each other, too.
As for me, I will be married for six months tomorrow, so I suppose you won’t get a lot of wisdom from me. I’ve known and been best friends with my wife, lilah, for ten years. We started seeing each other about four years ago when I was living in Florida and she was in New York. She now lives in North Carolina and I live in Connecticut. We are the king and queen of long distance relationships. We are not very fond of those titles. To get through the duress imposed by the distance, we rely very heavily on the friendship we had cultivated for the first five years we had known each other. We have a mere five months to go before we can live together and actually play married couple. I’ll get back to you all when I see how that works.
As for keeping the marriage growing, it’s all about sharing. It’s the little things one can communicate. It’s the little things one does out of one’s way, e.g., a chivalrous act. It’s those small moments of childish fun. It’s the deep, philosophical conversations. It’s the feeling of twitterpation all over again. It’s looking into her eyes, when we’re actually close enough to see each other. It’s all about the details.
That’s how I survive the tribulations now, and I’m sure there won’t be much difference in the future.
I’m all for marriage ! This is my second, the LIONsob and I will be married 23 years on May 5th. My first lasted 4 months , my husband killed himself. Never marry anyone when you have only known them for 2 months.
My marriage has had it’s share of problems and then some extra too. But I wouldn’t trade my life or my husband for anything or anyone. He truly is a part of me.
We both came from homes where there was divorce in fact my Mother has been married four times, LIONsob’s Mom was married twice.
IMHO the most important things in marriage that help keep love alive are honesty , communication, commitment and respect for one another. If these are broken they can be repaired , but it takes a lot of time and effort. And finding out what the most important emotional needs your spouse has is very important. What says I love you for you may not say it for your spouse. We all have to remember that aand try to give a little .
I’ve been married for nine and a half years now. I had an experience similar to that of Many Crows, except that our “difficult” period lasted only the first year. During the first year we fought many times. After that, however, we “settled in.” We’ve been happy ever since.
And just as a side note… my parents have been happily married for 35 (almost 36) years, one of my brothers has been happily married for 10 years and my other brother has been happily married for 5 years. I’m the first person in my family (for three generations anyway) to be divorced. And I agree with Dewaholic, if you don’t truly love the person, you’re doomed!
Almost 15 years here. Actually we’ve been together for closer to 20–we met in college and have been a couple ever since.
I’m not sure what to put it down to, except that we have the same goals in life. My parents have been married for 45 years. His were married three times each.
I guess the only wisdom I can offer from our relationship is that we put it before anything else. It’s very easy to get caught up in money problems, work problems, “Am I getting my piece of the pie” problems, but if your primary goal is to build a life with one person, those things will not take over.
First marriage: Got married out of high school with the girl I knocked up (in high school, no less) because it was “the right thing to do”. I knew I didn’t love her from the get-go. It lasted a miserable seven years. Uggh. Upside is, it’s the source of my three angels (my kiddies).
Second marriage: Got married when I had “arrived”. Basically, when I had become the person that I wanted. I had a “formula” to “complete me” and that was part of it. Again, I knew I didn’t love her. It lasted a year.
Third marriage: Hasn’t happened yet, but I know it will last for the rest of my life. I had got pretty cynical about the whole love thing up until I met psycat. It’s strange how much I have been telling people since then that you know you’ve found love because “you know”.
I don’t think anyone needs an example of what a good marriage is. It is instinct. It is all a part of the human emotion. I have a couple of friends, a married couple, that I love to hang out with, because they are so in love. And you can tell. Anyone can tell. They do all the things that people have mentioned in this thread. They honor each other, are kind to each other, they talk about how wonderful the other is. All these things aren’t things that you should need to “work on”. I want to talk about psycat, because that is what makes me happy. A person knows when they are truly happy or when they are lying to themselves. Everyone knows how they want to be treated, and when you are in love, it feels good to treat your SO that way, because it is like treating a part of yourself well. When you compliment your spouse, you are complimenting yourself. That’s how I feel. Sometimes, when I find myself feeling so proud of psy, I realize it makes me happy because I am proud of myself. She is a part of me.
The whole point of this rambling message is to say that you will know if your marriage is good.
You’re entire post was very eloquent, particularly the above. It is exactly how I feel about my husband, but couldn’t quite find the right words. Thank you. Well done!
Someone come clean up the blubbering mess in my cube, please.
Well, I can’t try to express myself any better than that sweetie. I feel the same way, as you know, as we have discussed it.
I have never been married, and for a few years, thought I would never get married, that the whole thing was a farce, for needy people to cling to each other. For people who could not depend on themsleves for anything, be it material or emotional, that they needed in life. When I met Demo, I realized how wrong I was.
A whole new world opened up to me, a world where love was real, unconditional, and incredible. Like fairy tales, like love songs, like romance novels. All that stuff that I thought made-up, suddenly became real.
I don’t know when we will be married officially, but I know it doesn’t really matter. We are already bound. I know we will spend this lifetime together, and I know we will find each other in the next.
Going on 7 months. First marriage for both of us, we waited a LONG time before we met the right person. I married at 38, he was 45, we’d met two years previously and just “clicked” from the get-go. We both agreed that: 1. We were “not going to screw this up” so we took our sweet time about moving from stage to stage; 2. We were both mature enough to realize perfection is a journey, not a goal, and 3. We were smart people who knew exactly what we wanted, and were willing to work for it.
What’s interesting is that our backgrounds were so dissimilar: My parents are married going on 43 years, his divorced when he was 5. His mother never remarried, his father did and it was a disaster. (Didn’t help his father was also a drinker who beat his mom.) In fact, I grew up with both sets of grandparents in the same city, so I saw them often (they both stayed married “until death”, so my examples were unusual in this day and age).
What works for us: 1. Respect the other person’s beliefs, ideals and dreams, even if they differ from your own. 2. Remember you are both INDIVIDUALS, and don’t get so wrapped up in being a couple that you lose your own identity. (Solitude is necessary, sometimes.) 3. Most important for us: TALK to each other, LISTEN to each other, BE THERE for each other. TRUST each other. LOVE each other.
Actually, “Instinct” is a perfect way to put it. If you’re happy and he’s happy, you’re obviously doing something right. Just keep on doing it. I wish you all the best!!
Hubby and I dated 4 weeks before we eloped. It was 17 years on Dec 9. He was married for 7 years and his ex walked out on him with his best friend. I was nearly 30 and didn’t think I’d ever marry. FWIW, his folks were married in 1949, mine in 1952.
Why did we marry so fast? I guess because we knew we’d get married, so why wait… We’ve argued and had our share of ups and downs, but never did either of us consider living with anyone else… Life is good!
