The marriage thread...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Hubby and I met on a blind date, and haven’t been apart more than a day since. I married my best friend, and we’re both very happy.

That’s the most important thing in choosing your life-partner. Not only should you love the person, you should LIKE them as well. He/she has to be the best friend you ever had before you should marry.

Also, and this is just my opinion, you should live with someone before you marry them. My mother told me “You never truly know someone until you’ve lived with them for at least six months,” and I think it’s the truth. Anyone can behave on a date.

More advice my mother gave me that has proved useful:

  1. Never tell your mother when you and your husband/wife have a fight, or they do something horrible. You will forgive them. She never will.

  2. Never marry someone that’s prettier than you are and knows it.

  3. If you’re not sure if you should marry them, don’t.

  4. Never do anything you wouldn’t do if your husband were around.

  5. Your marriage is like a car . . . it will need occasional maintenance. You need to “date” your spouse even after marriage.

  6. Tell your husband/wife that you love them every day. Make sure you say it while you’re having an argument, and never, ever go to bed angry. Never hold a grudge, and if something irks you, tell them about it right away. Don’t keep feelings bottled up inside.

22

A lot of you know my hubby - tygr.

We met 5 years ago this month. It was not long after we both had relationships end ( a few weeks to be exact). Anyway, we became friends. Talked about music, movies, cartoons and such. He has this really entertaining way to him (voices, characters). He made (makes) me laugh. He was (is) a gentlemen always. We talked about past relationships, comiserated a bit. We built our friendship over several months. We really talked a lot. He even rode to work with me for several weeks due to his car problems. We went on a few casual dates over the next few months.

Eventually, we progressed our realtionship (4 months after we met) from friends only to exclusive dating. We haven’t spent much time apart since then.

We have been married 2 1/2 years.

Our marriage is wonderful. I believe in:
Open communication
Honesty
Total trust
Give and take

Recently, when Tygr had stress, I talked to him and reminded him that of all people, he can always talk to me.

I always build him up and he builds me up. We have each other on pedestals (next to each other so we can hold hands). We show affection very openly - hold hands, kiss, hug. Love is grand and we show it. I rave about him constantly to everyone. The people I work with get sick of how in love we are. They get sick seeing us say goodbye to each other - big kisses, 50 'I love you’s , 4 waves, 2 walks backward.

A cute story about us:
This past summer, we were eating lunch on a weekday. We were next to these two big construction worker guys. They were watching us eat, cuddle, oogle each other and feed each other. One of the guys finally leaned over and said “Excuse me, but I have to ask, you two cannot be married, are you?” We told him we were and he complimented us on how we were with each other. He said that his wife would just throw food at him, not feed him with her hands.

Marriage is what you put into it. Take time to find someone you really love and don’t let go of them. Don’t marry for convenience or because you think you should be married. I never had dreams of weddings as a child, I just hoped I would find someone nice. I believe society builds people up to false limitations - like your honeymoon phase is over at 6 months…who says?? I want a honeymoon for the rest of my life. I want my kids to see me and Tygr kiss and hug. I want them to see us doing things together, like chores, shopping and hobbies.We rarely do much apart.

I love my Tygr!!!

23

Mr. Rilch and I have been married since July of 1999, and lived together since February of 1994.

We both come from “intact” but highly disfuctional homes. In our teens and early 20s, before we knew each other, we both determined not to marry anyone because we didn’t have a postitive view of marriage. We moved in together because we couldn’t bear to live apart, but we held off on the “I do” for a long time. (I have a white lace dress, never worn, in my closet, that was acquired during a planning session that kind of trailed off.)

Manny people think that living together before a marriage dooms it. I can only speak for Mr. Rilch and myself: living together allowed us to iron out our differences, quirks and hangups, a process which I wholeheartedly belive is the reason for our, so far, unequivocable success. (There was a looong thread on either the Old AOL Board, or AFCA, which started with a regular asking if she and her SO should live together before marriage. It seemed that most of the responses were people quoting statistics like they were scripture, and asserting that cohabitation before marriage guaranteed divorce. When I saw it going that way, I avoided the thread (which is not easy on those newsgroups, the way the threads split and pop up all over the board!), because I wasn’t Mrs. Rilch yet, and I didn’t want to become paranoid.

It would take too long to tell everything we’ve learned with and from each other, but I’ll give a suggestion.

Get an egg timer.

When a disagreement seems headed for an argument, get out the egg timer and sit facing each other. Turn the egg timer over, and one person states their position, uniterrupted. Hopefully you’ll have done this soon enough that you can agree on who goes first without it becoming another issue. When the three minutes are up, the other person responds.

There are no restrictions on what each person says; the only rules are no interruptions, and no running over one’s time. If one person happens to stop talking before the sand runs out [cough], the other still has to wait before responding; it’s not their time yet.

It’s like that “talking stick” method, or whatever it’s called, but I like this better, because when the sand runs out, your turn is over, full stop. I’ve learned to get more to the point, and faster, this way, and Mr. Rilch has learned not to try to finish my sentences.

24

well, last night I worked on a reply for you guys. I started on it around 9:30, and after a myriad of interuptions, had if finishedish around 1am. Then, instead of ‘preview reply’ my exhaustion-besotted mind had me click the little ‘x’ in the top right corner of the screen.

That’s the button the does not preview reply.

So I’ll have to redo it all. I will too, after I come home from work. Meanwhile, please don’t y’all think I’m not paying attention. :slight_smile:

25

Happily married for almost seven years. Until I met my wife, it seemed I was dating women with so much baggage, they needed a bus to haul it all around. If any of those relationships were to lead to marriage, they would have been a disaster, altough I chose not to believe it at the time.

Then along came my future wife (drunk on tequilla, she picked me up in a bar…the irony being that neither of us really spent much time in bars in the first place). I knew in a matter on months that she was the one, although we dated for a few years before we got engaged.

The two pieces of advice I can offer are as follows:

  1. Marry for “mind”, not “looks”. Looks change. A piece of advice my mom nonchalantly mentioned when I was about five years old. It’s always stuck with me. The fact that my bride is a real cutie is strictly a bonus for me!

  2. Respect the fact that you are individuals that may like to pursue different areas of interests. I run marathons and triathalons and spend alot of time training. I try to be flexible in my workouts…usually by getting up at 5 am when everyone is still asleep anyway, but on weekends, I’ll go off during the day. She indulges me, because later on when she wants to go into her studio to paint for a few hours, she knows I’ll happily watch the kids, make dinner, whatever. It’s all about balance and not denying your spouse the opportunity to indulge in what’s important to them.

26

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

You’re doomed if you don’t.

My husband and I just celebrated our fifth anniversary. The last year has been kind of rough, but it’s starting to smooth out. Mostly communication problems.

Oh, and if it starts to get bad, don’t be afraid to try the counseling route if you think you may need it. Sometimes, an impartial third party can help.

I like Rilchiam’s egg timer idea, too. My husband and I have a tendency to talk over each other sometimes. Maybe I’ll give that one a whirl. :smiley:

27

My wife and I have been married for four and half years, after dating for eight years. While I don’t believe in love at first sight, I knew she was something special the first time we met, and she made enough of an impression on me that for the first (and only) time in my life I actually chased a woman; she put me off for several months initially, mainly because she was “informally engaged” to someone else at the time. From the beginning, we had a laundry list of reasons why we shouldn’t get together and almost no reasons why we should. I think the key factor for both of us was that we were each motivated by the other to be better people than we might otherwise have been, and that’s still true today. She makes me want to be the best husband and father I can be, and to do that I’m willing to give up a lot off things that I might otherwise do or have and consider myself the winner in the bargain.

While rundogrun was a valued comrade-in-arms in The Great Kids On Airplanes War, I have to disagree that providing your spouse the opportunity to indulge in their interests is a keystone of a good marriage. Sometimes, the interests of the marriage as a corporate entity pre-empt the interests of the individuals. I’m not saying that the parties invovlved shouldn’t pursue hobbies or other interests, but I’m saying that they should do so only to the point that it does not interfere with what’s best for the marriage. I’ve passed up any number of activities, events, and wishes when I felt they would interfere with the needs of my family. I think that too often, people believe they have a right to be able to pursue their own “fulfillment”, whatever the cost to their family. Sometimes, you have to make tough choices and give up things that are important to you in order to have a successful marriage; those for whom the marriange is paramount tend to succeed, those for whom their own interests come first tend not to.

The other salient factor, closely related to the first, is the degree of commitment both parties bring to the marriage. For my wife and I, while we’ve certainly had quarrels and quibbles and significant differences in philosophy at times, neither of us entertains the possibility of divorce or separation. Whatever happens, we intend to stay together and make the best of it.

28

There’s too little respect for the sanctity of marriage. I speak about our younger generation (which Includes me, so others in my age group, 16, can not tell me I’m just some old fogey). I think that there are too many people marrying for convenience and that like. I can’t wait to find someone and settle down. It’s all I dream about (though I understand I’m a little young to think about that). Oh well, live and learn the hard way.

29

Oh, I absolutely agree that the married interests come first. The day I said “I do” I willingly gave up coming and going as I pleased and doing whatever I wanted to do. I did so with the belief that marriage would, and in fact does, provide something different and better. I think anyone who gets married should feel this way.

My point was simply that if I like to run and my wife likes to paint, it’s important that we respect these interests. They’re part of what make us who we are. I wouldn’t ask her to stop painting nor would she ask me to stop running. As long as these activities don’t run contrary to married life, they should continue to be indulged. That’s where balance comes in…I know when I leave for work in the morning, everyone will still be asleep in the house. So if I get up at 5:00 instead of 6:30 to catch an earlier train to go work out, it doesn’t affect our time together as a family. This way when I come home at night, I can play with the kids, (yeah, and do dishes and take out the trash), and not take time out from the family.

30

The institution is evil and must be destroyed.

Evil. E-vil!

31

I like the egg timer thing. That sounds neat.

Tygr and I lived together for about a year and a half before we got married. I had never dreamed of doing that, but it seemed the right thing at the time - Tygr needed a roomy or was going to have to move back to the college campus area (noisey and loud) and we knew we were keepers. We knew we had already signed on for life. Openly talked about this.

We do somethings apart, but not a lot, simply because we have so much in common. Movies, comics, tv shows, hiking, friends,etc.

32

Married 10 years this summer, and I always will be. If you are with the right person, marriage is the best thing that will ever happen to you. I have a partner for life.

33

I am celebrating my anniversary today! Three years with my husband. We’ve had ups and downs. We get closer during the downs because we’re there to lift the other. One of us is always stronger when the other is weaker. He drives me crazy on a regular basis but he always manages to surprise me. He keeps me interested in him and I keep on my toes around him which is exciting for me. We talk and we laugh together. Nothing beats having someone you can hold hands with and laugh. He lets me hold the remote and I cut his meat for him. It’s the little things that make marriage magic. It’s the things that only you two share that makes it work. Like I don’t sew but he does so he sews on all the buttons and I kill the spiders because he’s scared of them. He checks all the odd noises at night and I make sure all the doors are locked and the lights are off before we go to bed. When we fight we get everything out in the open and when it’s over we forget about it. We hold family tickle wars and sometimes he even let’s me win. I was married once before and it was always tense and stressful, my marriage now is just relaxing. We have routines and limits and I like that. I love knowing our kids will grow up feeling secure even if they are grossed out that Daddy kisses Mama and Mama watches Daddy walk!

34

I met the man who would become my husband when I was 18 and he was 20. He asked me out for that Friday night…and we’ve been together ever since (that was 17 1/2 years ago).

One thing that has been useful to remember is that you can’t read minds nor can you expect your partner to. So it’s important to take responsibility for your feelings and let the other one know if something’s up and work together to resolve it. It’s an ongoing process.

I remember reading years ago in Reader’s digest the following anecdote: a bride was asking an elderly couple at her wedding the secret to a happy marriage. The husband said: “My wife and I work as a team. Remember there is no “I” in the word marriage.” The wife said “and after all these years, I’ve never corrected his spelling.”

35

I already know how to have an unsuccessful marriage. My first one lasted less than 4 months. http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=30608

I’m not going to try to recreate my last post. It’s New Years eve, and spending it on the computer would not be a good thing for my marriage. :wink:

So instead, lets condense some of the concepts we think are important in a lasting marriage:

[ul]
[li]Well, its been 23 years now and I would NOT go through the first 5 again. The thing is, now that we’ve pounded each other into shape (figuratively speaking) we have a really good relationship.[/li]
[li]It felt like I was with myself. We could sit and read or watch t.v. or whatever, and I was more comfortable than I’d ever been. We still end up in the corner talking to each other every time we go to a party.[/li]
[li]My husband and I have been married about a year and a half. I wait on him hand and foot…and he does the same. Although we’ve had disagreements, we’ve never raised our voices to each other. I always know that I can come to him with any problem, whether it’s something related to us or not.[/li]
[li]I know that we haven’t been together for a really long time, but I know we will. We work hard to not only love each other, but to be nice to each other, too.[/li]
[li]As for keeping the marriage growing, it’s all about sharing. It’s the little things one can communicate. It’s the little things one does out of one’s way, e.g., a chivalrous act. It’s those small moments of childish fun. It’s the deep, philosophical conversations. It’s the feeling of twitterpation all over again. It’s looking into her eyes, when we’re actually close enough to see each other. It’s all about the details.[/li]
[li]Never marry anyone when you have only known them for 2 months.[/li]
[li]IMHO the most important things in marriage that help keep love alive are honesty, communication, commitment and respect for one another. If these are broken they can be repaired , but it takes a lot of time and effort. And finding out what the most important emotional needs your spouse has is very important. What says I love you for you may not say it for your spouse. We all have to remember that and try to give a little[/li]
[li]Talk.[/li]
[li]Listen.[/li]
[li]I’m not sure what to put it down to, except that we have the same goals in life[/li]
[li]a world where love was real, unconditional, and incredible. Like fairy tales, like love songs, like romance novels[/li]
[li]we’d met two years previously and just “clicked” from the get-go. We both agreed that: 1. We were “not going to screw this up” so we took our sweet time about moving from stage to stage; 2. We were both mature enough to realize perfection is a journey, not a goal, and 3. We were smart people who knew exactly what we wanted, and were willing to work for it.[/li]
[li]What works for us: 1. Respect the other person’s beliefs, ideals and dreams, even if they differ from your own. 2. Remember you are both INDIVIDUALS, and don’t get so wrapped up in being a couple that you lose your own identity. (Solitude is necessary, sometimes.) 3. Most important for us: TALK to each other, LISTEN to each other, BE THERE for each other. TRUST each other. LOVE each other.[/li]
[li]We’ve argued and had our share of ups and downs, but never did either of us consider living with anyone else…[/li]
[li]That’s the most important thing in choosing your life-partner. Not only should you love the person, you should LIKE them as well. He/she has to be the best friend you ever had before you should marry. Also, and this is just my opinion, you should live with someone before you marry them. My mother told me “You never truly know someone until you’ve lived with them for at least six months,” and I think it’s the truth.[/li]
[li]Never tell your mother when you and your husband/wife have a fight, or they do something horrible. You will forgive them. She never will.[/li]
[li]Never marry someone that’s prettier than you are and knows it.[/li]
[li]If you’re not sure if you should marry them, don’t.[/li]
[li]Never do anything you wouldn’t do if your husband were around.[/li]
[li]Your marriage is like a car . . . it will need occasional maintenance. You need to “date” your spouse even after marriage.[/li]
[li]Tell your husband/wife that you love them every day. Make sure you say it while you’re having an argument, and never, ever go to bed angry. Never hold a grudge, and if something irks you, tell them about it right away. Don’t keep feelings bottled up inside.[/li]
[li]Open communication, Honesty, Total trust, Give and take[/li]
[li]I always build him up and he builds me up. We have each other on pedestals (next to each other so we can hold hands). We show affection very openly - hold hands, kiss, hug. Love is grand and we show it. I rave about him constantly to everyone.[/li]
[li]Marriage is what you put into it. Take time to find someone you really love and don’t let go of them. Don’t marry for convenience or because you think you should be married.[/li]
[li]Get an egg timer.[/li]
[li]Marry for “mind”, not “looks”.[/li]
[li]Respect the fact that you are individuals that may like to pursue different areas of interests.[/li]
[li]Communicate, communicate, communicate.[/li]
[li]if it starts to get bad, don’t be afraid to try the counseling route[/li]
[li]I think the key factor for both of us was that we were each motivated by the other to be better people than we might otherwise have been, and that’s still true today[/li]
[li]Sometimes, the interests of the marriage as a corporate entity pre-empt the interests of the individuals. Sometimes, you have to make tough choices and give up things that are important to you in order to have a successful marriage; those for whom the marriange is paramount tend to succeed, those for whom their own interests come first tend not to.[/li]
[li]The other salient factor, closely related to the first, is the degree of commitment both parties bring to the marriage. For my wife and I, while we’ve certainly had quarrels and quibbles and significant differences in philosophy at times, neither of us entertains the possibility of divorce or separation. Whatever happens, we intend to stay together and make the best of it.[/li]
[li]Oh, I absolutely agree that the married interests come first. The day I said “I do” I willingly gave up coming and going as I pleased and doing whatever I wanted to do.[/li]
[li]If you are with the right person, marriage is the best thing that will ever happen to you.[/li]
[li]We get closer during the downs because we’re there to lift the other. One of us is always stronger when the other is weaker.[/li]
[li]It’s the things that only you two share that makes it work.[/li]
[li]When we fight we get everything out in the open and when it’s over we forget about it[/li]
[li]We have routines and limits and I like that.[/li]
[li]One thing that has been useful to remember is that you can’t read minds nor can you expect your partner to. So it’s important to take responsibility for your feelings and let the other one know if something’s up and work together to resolve it. It’s an ongoing process.[/li]
[/ul]

Well, there sure is a lot to digest here. I like the last one - about not being able to read minds.

As I put this list together, I noticed that there were some that I liked more than others. I also found that some seem contradictory to others on the list. I figure that as individuals we each have an ideal marriage in mind, with our own list of what makes a that marriage good. It seems to me that a key factor in a couples compatibility would be that they have similar ideas as to what constitues a fulfilling maritial relationship.

Oh yeah… MamaHen, Happy anniversery!!! :smiley:

And congrats and felicitations to all the newlyweds out there.

dewt