Weird Marriage?

OK, I’m watching an infomercial for John Grey’s tape series. Each couple is on there talking about “when we argue”, and “when we fight”. Is it abnormal not to fight in a marriage?

I’m not going into in depth details here, but my husband and I have been together about 7 years now, married 1.5. We don’t argue or fight. I can’t remember the last time one of us was mad at the other. He had NEVER ever raised his voice at me or sworn at me. Are we total freaks? Is this some sort of “calm before the storm?” All other couples I know carry on like high school kids and seem like they’re in a constant power struggle.

Just soliciting opinions from other marrieds.

Work a little bit harder on improving your
low self esteem, you stupid freak!
Click here for some GOOD news for a change Zettecity

Right there with you Zette. Granted, I have only been married for 1.5 years, but add on 5 years of dating, and I can’t think of single fight either.
Every now and then we wonder about it also. Haven’t really figured out a reason why, but we both think it is pretty neat.

Well, shut my mouth. It’s also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.

Me and my hubby have been living together for six years, been married since this May, and we don’t hardly ever fight either. Even when we do fight, it’s never a screaming and throwing things kind of fight. It’s always more that he will say something sarcastic, I’ll say something nasty back, and that’s the end of it. I think the longest fight we ever had lasted maybe five minutes. Now, we have had the kind of fights where we don’t talk to each other at all for a day or so, but even those are a once-a-year type of deal.

Personally, I think we’re all just freaks :slight_smile:

“We are what we pretend to be.”

  • Kurt Vonnegut

Well, i’m pretty sure I’M a freak, regardless of this issue :slight_smile: :slight_smile:

Work a little bit harder on improving your
low self esteem, you stupid freak!
Click here for some GOOD news for a change Zettecity

Gotta agree with ya on that one Zette :slight_smile: j/k
My SO and I have been dating 3 years…living together 8 months…married in May of 2000.

We don’t fight much at all…most of the time, it’s not a fight, it’s just that we need some "alone"time…we’re both used to being by ourselves, and it’s difficult to have someone always around…

Any two people HAVE to disagree eventually. The secret to “good fighting” is disagreeing in a manner which is helpful and not hurtful, and enables both parties to feel good about whatever compromise is attained.

I always thought I was a “good fighter,” and it was unfortunate that several of the women I have been with were not (IMHO), which made conflicts about even THAT come up during a dissagreemement.

My guess is those who claim to have “never thought” are just “good fighters” and are involved with the same, so it never seems like a fight, even though it is a disagreement.

Yer pal,

That’s never FOUGHT, not “never thought.”

I wasn’t thinking, I guess…

Yer pal,

I agree Satan. We disagree, don’t get me wrong, but I hear so many people talking about screaming fights, name calling, etc.
Maybe it’s because neither of us would put up with someone doing that to us. Interesting input from everyone :slight_smile:

Work a little bit harder on improving your
low self esteem, you stupid freak!
Click here for some GOOD news for a change Zettecity

I guess it depends on your definition of fight.

My wife and I have never gotten physical (except for fun) and have never shouted at each other. We do have occasional disagreements and we work them out. We try to never go to bed angry and usually it is over silly stuff. Usually we try to have a rational discussion, though sometimes after a hard day, we do not feel completely like being rational and instead push each others buttons.

I do not think you guys are freaks, just happily married.

My parents also have disagreements but never real fights. They have been married almost 31 years. My wife and I have been married 7.5 years.


My ex and I never fought, and I point to that as one of the problems in the marriage. He and I were doing the classic “If we pretend the problem doesn’t exist, it’ll go away” thing. If someone had accused me of that at the time I would have vehemently denied it, but in retrospect I held my tounge many, many times in order to “keep the peace.”

I’m not advocating knock-down, drag out fights all the time, but I can say that my current SO and I have a much healthier relationship because we’ve learned to deal with our differences. He’s the type that will not let anything go by - if something seems strange to him, he’ll bring it right out into the open and we’ll talk about it. My communication skills and my general relationship skills have done nothing but benefit by this.

Satan’s right, it’s all about HOW you fight(or disagree). Don’t be condescending, or yell, or throw things, or insult each other and you’ve conquered a lot of the battle. Sounds to me like you all have healthy, happy marriages and relationships. BTW, my wife and I have been married for 6 years, and are pregnant with our third child(some say children can add to the fighting), and we hardly ever fight.

I grew up in a home where my parents didn’t fight. My mother told me that yes, her and dad had disagreements but it wasn’t in their nature to have a yelling match. A few hours of not speaking to each other usually took the edge off and then they could discuss it. They’ve been married for 37 years and couldn’t be more opposite if they tried.

I seem to have inherited that trait from them. It’s not in my nature to fight. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and rarely fight. It’s not so much that we have a lot in common, but are good friends and respect each other as individuals.

That’s not to say that we’ve never disagreed. Nick (husband) is good at the silent treatment (a trait HE inherited from HIS parents). I don’t do the “silent treatment” but by the same token I will not try to have a conversation with someone who is obviously not speaking to me. He says he does it because he doesn’t want to say something he doesn’t mean. Fair enough I say, but I expect an answer if I ask a question that requires an answer (for example: has the dog gotten his medication?).

We also try recognize our disputes for what they are: nothing personal and typical concerns all married couple experience (money problems).

One last comment. I’m just not a demanding spouse. I don’t expect or require a request if he wants to “do something”. I’ll explain better by example: a while back Nick, Rob (Nicks best buddy) and myself were in the garage one Thursday pm when Nick said to me: “Rob and I are going on a camping/dirt bike trip this weekend”. My response was: “OK, no problem. Have fun and don’t kill yourself”. Well Rob looked at and said “Holly Shit, I had to ASK Mia (his wife), with at least two weeks notice”.

Nick knows what he’s “allowed” to do and is his own person. The same is true for me. Now, don’t get me wrong I’m definately no saint: dishes pile up, laundry piles up and the house, although not a pig-sty can get untidy before I get around to it.

Its about the people in the relationship not the actual relationship. Me, I am a quiet rational guy and the house I grew up in was very quiet and rational. I rarely ever fought with my parents even, but sat and discussed things.

My fiancee on the other hand grew up in a very histrionic family. So she has a tendency to get loud.

Both of us work hard to understand the other but, there are times you can hear us if you are walking past! =) But we love each other more than anyone else we know!


I’m not a shrimp, I’m a King Prawn.
-Pepe the Prawn

Amazing what people will allow their partners to do to them. I can see asking in advance if children are involved (ie, the other spouse will have to work harder to take care of the critters while spouse #1 is out having a good time.)

I see this all the time in my current relationship. My SO’s ex was MUCH more controlling than I am, and he sometimes has a hard time shaking it. Case in point: Monday night, he wanted to watch the football game and smoke a cigar at my house. He asked me about ten times if it was OK to smoke a cigar in the house. Each time, I replied “Yes, I don’t care. Go ahead. I like the smell of cigars.” Finally, I started to get sick of him asking permission, and asked him what was up. Seems that he couldn’t quite believe that it was OK to smoke a cigar indoors, because his ex had been so adamently against it. Even when I told him, over and over, that it was OK, he was so set in his past behavior that it was a little like he kept expecting me to blow up at him.

I don’t mean to pick on my SO’s ex, or him - I’m sure I do stuff that my ex conditioned into me. But I sure as heck want to go forward with the idea that BOTH partners in the relationship are adults, and “asking permission” to do minor activities is NOT a part of my life.

It’s important to note, however, that there is a HUGE difference between “asking permission” and common courtesy. For example, if I am going out with my friends, I do not ask if I can go, but I do take the time to say where I’m going, and about when I’ll be back, so that he knows where to call if there is an emergency and when to start worrying about me. Furthermore, it allows him to better make plans around me. My man does the same for me. I have known people who see even this much structure in a relationship “too binding” which seems odd to me.

On fighting–I think the best thing parents can do for kids is to fight in front of them. Not physical fights, obviously, or screaming and ranting, but it is important to know that mommy and daddy can disagree and still love each other. I think a lot of people’s parents go overboard presenting a united front, and then the children learn that when you love someone, you never disagree. . .this can lead to problems later on.

Mr. Rilch and I are constantly squabbling, but we try to make it work for us. Both sets of parents had the pattern of walking away from an argument still holding resentment, and then nurturing that resentment, like a hen incubating an egg, until they couldn’t communicate, because all they could hear was what the other person had said, not what they were saying.

So when we argue, we try to focus on what we’re arguing about and how to resolve it, and we stay away from seriously hurtful remarks. Recently, I came up with a system. Bring in one of those three-minute sand timers. A turns it over and has three minutes to talk without interruption. Then B has three minutes, and so on, until we’ve reached an agreement.
We explained this to a friend who was having a lot of friction with his fiancee (now his wife), and he said, "If we did that, we’d end up fighting over who was going to vacuum up the sand from the broken timer.

Remember, I’m pulling for you; we’re all in this together.
—Red Green

That John Gray guy drives me nuts. I can’t even tell if he is gay or straight or what.

Anyway, arguing takes depth. I’m into intense depth & I have a fine memory for what they said so I tend to argue quite a bit. Unless its my stubborn Aries nature.

We don’t argue. We’re both ALWAYS RIGHT, so we’ve managed to work out a method of rational discussion that takes attitude and stubbornness into account even when our “right” views are diametrically (sp?) opposed.

BUT — the annual test of our marriage is coming up this weekend: putting up the Christmas tree. It’s the getting it straight in the stand part that we can never get through without frayed tempers. Last year I convinced him to try a year without a Christmas tree, but this year grandkids will be here so a tree is a must. There are two possible outcomes: 1) we’ll again manage to survive the test; 2) one of us will be dead and the other in jail. If we can just get the tree standing straight, we’ll be good for another whole year!

My Reason for Living and I have known each other for 11.5 years, married for 6.5 and have never fought. No screaming matches, no throwing things. I think because his parents were of the old european way of doing thing (Father/Man is always right regardless) he knows there are two sides to every argument. I grew up primarily in a single parent unit and from my widowed mother I’ve learned that women are always right. (Well, we are :slight_smile: ) It’s a hell of a thing to change your mind from…really. It’s only been in the past few years that I’ve learned to bite my tongue and shut up.

I think some ( not all) couples, fight over the most ridiculous stuff ( squeezing the toothpaste, toilet seat debate…you know, stuff that really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of life) and then ignore the stuff that is a huge issue, like how to spend the money, raise kids, household issues. We don’t fight over money because we know simply there will never be enough.

It is important to treat each other fairly and with respect. One of the best things I’ve ever heard about relationships came from a cousin of mine: Marriage is not always 50-50. sometimes it’s 60-40, 90-10, 30-70. Some days your slice of pie is big and sometimes it’s small. If it’s chronically on the larger work load end, then some discussions must be done.

Being married, also doesn’t mean you give up your right to think for yourself. I’ve witnessed many a marriage where the woman just parrots her husbands views, lifestyle and opinions totally and because a walking ad campaign for him. It’s really pathetic.

To end this, I think John Gray is a sap, catering to people who cannot think for themselves. He has a new book coming out called, " Men are from mars, women from venus and babies are from heaven." I read an excerpt of it and it looks like there is going to be a generation of kids running over their parents with his limp wristed parenting advice.

Oh guys, if you want the truth, get use to your wife being on top cause you’re always going to be fuckin’ up. :wink: