So, I open up my e-mail and start deleting the spam messages. One of them is titled:
attn: let us help with your debtsssss
My first thought is, “What, Gollum is sending me spam now?”
Got me wondering. What kinds of spam messages would the other LOTR characters send?
Or just other CGI characters in general, perhaps? (I wouldn’t be surprised to open my mailbox in the future and find, “Mesa thinka yousa hottie! Mesa hot teen - mesa gotsa webcam!”)
From: glorfindel@rivendell.org
To: Friends of the Elves
Important information!!! This is not spam!!!
My second-cousin’s stepfather heard from a VERY reliable source that a STRANGE ELF WOMAN is stalking and travelers between WEATHERTOP and the FORD OF BRUINEN. One band of weary travellers who had just survived a terrifying battle near Weathertop were headed for Rivendell when the woman approached their party and spoke some words in elvish. She then ABDUCTED A HOBBIT from the group and carried him away on horseback!!! When they contackted an OFFICIAL FROM RIVENDELL later on they found out that Elrond had already sent a guide to meet the party but that guide was NEVER SEEN OR HEARD FROM AGAIN!!!
If your traveling to Rivendell, DO NOT speak to any unfamiliar ELF WOMEN!!! Hopefully this wont happen to you but its better to be safe than sorry!!!
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!
May I? 
I’ve gotten spam from addys with LotR or LotR-evocative names, but I guess neither Sauron nor Saruman has got my addy to send me any p-mail (p for palantir, of course).
(Sauron … Saruman … Spam … coincidence?)
However, I did get spam from another villain. The subject line was: “an important message from Darth Vader” I opened it (knowing it came from the official Star Wars site’s mailing list) and, to my horror, he’s trying to sell me a credit card! How the mighty have fallen.
Please,
I know that this letter will come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met each other before, but please be rest assured that there is going to be no cause for alarm. I have decided to notify you to ask for your assistance, because of your integrity and goodwill. In bringing this message to you, I have to say that I have no Intention of causing you any personal pains or discomfort. I am Mr. Frodo Baggins, cousin of the last ringbearer Bilbo Baggins of The Shire. Presently, I am desperately looking for a trustworthy person to assist me in this confidential business, We have decided to look for assistance outside with those that will not capitalise on present conditon to punish us, Because those we used to call our friends and family friends over here have all deserted us with almost all our properties and belongings we entrusted with them.
My cousin, Bilbo Baggins, lodged huge sums of gold the pilfering of Smaug the Dragon’s cavern, as well as other precious stones / metals in different caves in the Misty Mountains. My cousin is presently no longer in Hobbiton, and the movement of his family members (including me and my gardener Sam) is highly restricted, all his bank accounts and properties have been frozen and seized. We are forbidden to either travel abroad or out of our immediate localities. Damn Nazguls. Presently, I have discovered a huge sum of money made by my cousin from the money realized from the last sales of diamonds before his departure amounting to US$28,500,000.00 (TWENTY EIGHT MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS), my cousin had deposited this money as diplomatic consignment with a security firm in Rivendell whose headquaters are in Valinor and Lothlorien. I have called the security firms and they have confirm to me that the consignment is with them. I have all the documents with me right now that is be needed to collect the consignment from the elves, I mean, security firm, which my cousin has instructed to release to me upon completion of the task of transferring and depositing a ring into the Cracks of Doom. It is a simple ring and should not cause you much trouble or weight. I have been given the authority to do everything possible to get the ring out of Hobbiton as this is the only hope we have now to bring Middle-earth out of its present poor financial and political state.
I am therefore soliciting your help to have this ring collected by you and the funds transferred into your account. I will give you all the necessary documentations to facilitate your collection of the consignment personally in Rivendell or Lothlorien. Unfortunately, the bank recently closed its Gondor office. The Mordorian government has no or will never have knowledge of this quest, so there is no need to be worried about your safety. I guarantee you your safety during this transaction.
Once I have your complete assurance that you can handle this, I will immediately send to you the relevant documents that will enable you take possession of the ring. This will include certificate of authenticity and shipment airway bill and all other relevant documents. Meanwhile all I need from you now is as follows:
Your confirmation of your ability to handle this.
Your word that you will keep this business as confidential as possible at all times until we conclude this business.
Your confidential information for communication.
Your full Name and Permanent address.
Your understanding and assurance that you will avoid black riders on black horses who shriek like banchees.
As soon as I get the above information from you, I will also send to you a LETTER OF AUTHENTICITY and AGREEMENT to enable you clear the ring on my behalf. Note that this is a very safe transaction as the Sauron has no knowledge that such ring is still in existence.
However, in return for all your assistance and troubles we have decided to offer you 15% of the total amount of money as your share and 5% for all your expenses which will include your travel expenses to Rivendale and every other expenses you incur in the cause of this transaction, such as your telephone bills etc, this makes a total of 20% I agree to give to you for helping us complete the task.
I am waiting for your response to enable us proceed.
Regards,
Frodo Baggins of The Shire
Thanks for posting that! I needed a good laugh this morning!
MAKE YOUR HOBBIT LARGER!
Oh, great. I just sprayed my computer monitor with coffee.
I did something similar in detail… it went thusly:
‘ENLARGE YOUR EVERYTHING NOW! RESULTS GUARANTEED!’
‘Make Entwives tremble with your mighty wood!’
‘Pull down the Tower of Orthanc with your ten foot root!’
'Read testimonials from our satisfied customers!"
‘“It really works! I used to be 3’6” - now I’m 4’11" thanks to
your wonderful product!" - MB, The Shire’
'“I tried your product thinking it would never work. Now I’m
the biggest hobbit in town. Ent-draughts are truly a miracle!”
‘Send only 49.99 of whatever monetary unit is used in Middle
Earth for your initial six-pack! If you aren’t at least 25% taller
within a year, we’ll refund your money entirely!’
Other Middle Earth spams might include:
Make your Palantir up to 500% faster!
Rings of Power up to 85% discount!
And of course,
“Would you like to meet me for sex? My husband is away all day singing merry songs and wearing yellow boots…”
From: Dobby@hogwarts.com
Re: Mister Monstre must consolodate his debt!
My Master used to have debt problems much like yours. He couldn’t even afford to buy poor Dobby socks. Oh no, Dobby mustn’t speak about Master in such a way <Dobby hits self on head with toaster, passes out>
Fortunately, he never gives you a link.
Odd. I got an almost identical e-mail from a “Princess Leia Organa”.
InTransit, that was a thing of beauty. Brought a tear to my eye…
These are really great. Even though they are not from the “What if LotR hat been written by someone else” thread, they should be added to Teemings Extras.
Aw, shucks…
GET HERBAL MIRUVOR ONLINE WITHOUT A DOCTOR’S PRESCRIPTION!!!
HOT ELF MAIDENS DO IT FOR YOU!!!
Cum visit our website and watch us on our webcam!!!