- :::stands up and claps::: *
:::continues clapping, wipes a tear away:::
I love you, Dante.
I hate comic sans. I hate when people sign on to AIM, just say “hi” and then don’t talk to you. I hate when you have plans and they fall through.
I HATE HATE HATE voicemail. I hate listening to them, I hate leaving them, I hate the little icon that shows up on my phone. I hate voicemail. A lot. My voicemail message is quite literally “I hate voicemail. Call me back later.” If it’s important, you’ll just keep calling me, right? Instead people go around leaving me useless voicemail about what they did last weekend. I hate it.
And I hate people who walk slow. Can’t stand it. Freaking.Move.Out.Of.My.Way. I’m sorry, but I have places to go. MOVE!
I hate the moment when you wake up, and everywhere outside your bed is really cold, and your bed is really warm, and then that moment when you realize you have to get up hits you. Hate that moment. My bedroom is mostly uninsulated. It gets freaking cold up there.
Mine is very minor and lame - why am I getting envelopes in the mail that open at the bottom instead of the top? There must be a reason for this (automated mail stuffing machines or something), but if some envelope manufacturer is just doing it to be cute, they need to stop, because it messes up your mail-opening rhythm when the occasional envelope is opposite to all the others.
I told you it was minor and lame. 
How about this as a minor rant: the weird blank-outs that radio edits usually have to “blot out” offensive/curse words. Especially for hip-hop songs this often disrupts the flow of the rhythm. Even bleeping is better than silence!
Then again, clever substitution of sound effects (instead of always putting in a whiteout or a beep) can be an art of its own. Those of you with iTunes installed, go to the Music Store and bring up the CD “Def Jam Recordings: The History of Hip Hop, Vol. 1” and listen to the snippet of the “Clean” version of Track 15 (“Can I Get A…”). They’ve overlaid various “vulgarities” with what are sometimes hilarious sound effects.
Right back atcha ya!
Very minor rant here.
Bullet is the bassett hound that lives across the street. He is the sweetest, friendliest dog in the world. He’s also beautiful, with those soulful eyes and the long velvet ears.
But he barks.
And barks and barks and barks. I realize it isn’t his fault - his owners both work and really don’t spend enough time with him, and haven’t done much, if any, training. It’s just nerve-wracking because my office is on the front side of the house and Bullet had been barking for at least 45 minutes straight. And these barking sessions happen at least once and usually several times a day.
Thank goodness my bedroom is on the back side of our house!
It seems we are on the same side on most of this. I too, hate when someone in front of me offers to make me wait longer. However, that there were people behind me was not in the equation. Your diagram, though nicely done, shows only the two of us waiting.
I too wait the few seconds looking for some awareness in those ahead of me, but I will tap them on the shoulder and ask “Would you like to take that line?”. If I had moved, and if no one else has come up behind me, and if the person formally in front of me in the other line is stuck behind (seperate rant goes here) someone that hasn’t considered the need to pay for their stuff before the total is announced, or starts digging for $23.55 in change from the bottom of her purse,then yes, I’d ask “Ya wanna come to this lane?”
Although, now that you mention it, I can see where a well palced body-check would be a lot of fun too!
The next time you make a deposit at the ATM, PLEASE have the damned thing ready before you get there!! Or, take an envelope, get out of my way, and come back when you’re done. Do NOT sit there with your car in park as you try desparately to find the calculator function on your cell phone because you can’t add $46.41 + $78.24 + $13.21 by yourself!
I sail up with my deposit envelope completely ready and can finish my transaction faster than some folks can make a Fast Cash withdrawal. Because I’m prepared. The secret: take an envelope to replace the one you just used and keep it in your glove compartment. That way, you’re ready to get started any time.
I hate minor rants. I mean, really. If you can’t take the time or expend the emotional energy to get properly worked up over some trivial thing, then GET. OFF. THE. FUCKING. WHEEL. OF. LIFE.
Ooh, poor poor me. That little dog barks barks, people won’t let me by, cashiers and Broncos fans hate me, wah wah wah wah… Screw the pooch, learn to put your weight into a good body slam, carry a baseball bat. Life will be seriously easier for you. Otherwise, shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP! Learn to live with your own pathetic loserness, you NIM ROD.
I hate having to use smilies or disclaimers to indicate sarcastic humour, fucking maroons…
It brings a huge smile to my face, the idea of body slamming one of them little old ladies. Or carrying a nice baseball bat into WalMart to thin out the numbers.
Uh oh, I think I have a new fantasy. I hope that’s ok here. Don’t tell anyone. I promise I won’t hurt any animals, but I can’t say the same for people.
/not using smiley face, I fear the wrath of NoClueBoy
The guy I was stopped behind at the intersection because of the red light. It turned green and was quickly followed by him putting on his left turn signal. idiot!
My boss. Thank you but I’ve been working here for 20 years, and I really don’t need my out-of-office-reply critiqued. It’s just an out-of-office reply!!! Four ‘helpful hints’ on my reply is necessary?? And YOU are going to complain about MY spelling?? Dude, crack a dictionary once in a while. Or if you can’t dig one up, try the on-line version. YOU can’t spell your way out of a wet paper bag. I’m a computer programmer, not a writer for the NYTimes.
I hate it when I’m shopping and a person comes up behind me and invades my space! I know it’s not my say to tell them to get away from me, but I think I’m a magnet for people to get real close to me. I was looking at a shirt at Target and touching the material when some woman comes up behind me and says “Hey well now isn’t that soooo pretty?” I was like woah, woah, where did you come from? Then she touches the shirt too and I leave. I need a 10 foot wall of space around me or I get irked.
I hate when I’m driving and someone slows waaaaaay down and turns into a driveway or a business and I have to slow down too when I’m going a comfortable speed and have the people behind me get mad and cut me off. It’s worse if they don’t use their blinkers too.
I hate when somebody blocks the isle and bends over to look at items. You make me look like a crazy person. I can’t hold back the laughter as I contemplate how funny it would be to nudge you forward with a little push to the butt. I envision a one finger touch and them toppling head first into the product. I have to turn around and walk the other way.
I hate TV shows that don’t put a caption at the bottom of fake news items about emergency situations. I didn’t know until the next day, whether or not the last tornado disaster was real, because that storm movie was on at the same time.
I hate TV stations that play excerpts of news broadcasts of dangerous weather for advertising. Not only is there no notification that it’s not happening now, but the words “Live Broadcast” still appear at the bottom of the screen.
I hate people who hate minor rants. Wankers.
(Is a big grin smiley REALLY necessary?)
Here’s one – I hate it the way car dealers never have sales, they have “sales events.” Of course, I hate the whole tired lingo of car ads on TV generally.
There, I just had to get that off my chest. Do I feel better? No, not really.
You are my new personal hero.
These people who will physically leave a store to go to another store to save possibly a buck on a product do not understand they are not saving any money at all with gas expenses and time=money figured in.
Tools.
All of them.
I would like to take this particular brand of ranting one step further for the buttheads who fail to grasp the concept of Online shopping is cheaper & faster (even with shipping and handling) and not to forget it is easier without Kids and NO STRESS of Buttheads in line before me whose debit card mysteriously won’t work anymore.
But, somehow, it is cheaper and easier to drag your butt to the store to wander the aisle looking for something and ooooh…look the entire third season of Dukes of Hazzards in on Sale for $1 off ( mind you you hated DOH when you were a kid…but hey…who can pass up a season of Daisy Dukes ass for a buck cheaper?) and don’t forget the impulse items of toilet paper/paper towels/potato chips/soft drinks…buy it NOW on SALE because THERE MIGHT NEVER BE ANOTHER SALE AGAIN UNTIL NEXT WEEK!!!111!!!
Sincerely,
Shirley Online Shopper Ujest.
I wouldn’t mind gettin some Daisy Duke ass…
Further, I wish there were more stores that had online shopping in (or available to) Canada. Note to retailers: Cold climate countries are a good business opportunity for online sales!
That is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever read on the Internet. I thank you.
My rant: people who are paid for their writing who can’t write/spell/use correct grammar/punctuate. From a national newspaper: “…money no option.” WTF. Idiots, and their editors.
I hate the fact that I still have a stupid crush on a completely out of bounds coworker. Gah, stupid stupid brain.
I hate the fact that the hole in the ozone layer means the burn time for the past four days has been about seven minutes, and that despite slathering myself in spf four million cancer society sunbock I am STILL lobster red. I really hate that I don’t tan, just peel disgustingly. I hate having to hide from the summer sun.