Make your opinions count! Vote!! in the October 2012 SDMB Short Fiction contest's Anthology Thread!

Cafe Society
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I really enjoyed reading all of these. I did find that some of them read more like chapters taken out of novels or like the beginning of a longer piece rather than self-contained short stories. The one I voted for was Spiral, at least in part because of its completeness. Every one of you has a spark of a story in there though; I am jealous.

I also want to commend Le Ministre for a totally compelling picture! Wow! What a great find (was it really random? amazing). Thanks to all of the writers for some stimulating reads.

I do have to say that “Don’t forget, Comrade” was my least favorite, in part because of the density of the factual sections as already mentioned, and in part because the grammar, spelling and punctuation seems a little off in spots. Maybe that’s down to the short time frame, though.

It was also interesting to see how the picture led most everyone in a related direction. All in all, totally enjoyable. I hope some more folks come in with comments; I think I’m the only non-participant commenting so far. I look forward to seeing who wins. I’ve read these Anthologies before and I think this is the best one yet. Thanks to everyone.

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Marked – nicely written, good mood setting, but sort of just went nowhere…like a pleasant French noir film that ran out of money half way through the shoot.

Spiral – kind of interesting take on body art – from a child’s perspective, to a young kid getting the tattoos, to an old man reflecting on them and time gone by. To those who say tattoos will look ugly on old people, this will show there is more to it than how tattoos will look; it is what they represent. Nice job. Inked well.

The Music Man – We got trouble, right here in Riga city…sort of liked the premise of the idea of tattoos showing up and becoming visions…or maybe I was reading too much into it – but then my psychic abilities abruptly ended and not quite sure what happened. I think the old guy got kicked in his crystal balls before he could finish his tale.

Full Contact – or Poof The Magic Draconian…and not sure if the author knows that “Poof” is the British slur equivalent of “Fag”. However, this did make the odd marriage part of the story rather amusing…that’ll teach ya for giving hand jobs to naked aliens.

John Doe – a dear and a dearly departed. Sad tale. Reminds me of a similar story I wrote years ago, and it still hits me hard. Nice story and interesting twist on what might be found if you dig too deeply around those roots of the family tree. Slightly off topic, but spoke with an elderly relative in Berlin who has the onset of Alzheimers and she asked if I thought Reagan was going to win the election tomorrow. This story kind of shows where all our stories might end someday. Very nice and quite touching.

Protection – crystal methods of persuasion. I have to admit, this was a bit cryptic for me and I think it could have used some more super powers of exposition. I sorta got it, but sorta didn’t.

Don’t Forget Comrade, Volgograd, Not Stalingrad – you say tomahto, I say tomayto…nice story! I did like that this was a story about a story. Maybe I am just a sentimental old fool, but I wish that all of the great stories of yore from people who were “there” had been recorded somehow. An old man with an amazing life who came thisclose to burning that piece of history. The power of words and the importance of history – great choice for a short story.

Wisdom Calls Out – and nobody is home. The shame is that the teacher wasn’t able to get through to the student, and the student wasn’t even paying attention to the teacher. This was like hearing Steven Hawking impart wisdom on Paris Hilton – somehow you know it ain’t gonna sink in because, well, “dude wasn’t cute at all.” Nice snapshot of a dumb box of rocks!

Declaration Of Geneva – hit or Swiss miss? Nice little twist, but being the truly evil bastard that I am, I would have tried to figure out a way to give Doc sweet revenge…come on, a little snip here and there and this dude could sing soprano in the choir and never hurt another soul. But I did like that things might not just end happily ever after for our tattooed bloke…”Oath what a tangled tale we weave…”

Welcome To Tanglewoods – and this’ll teach you to call me whippersnapper, old man. This was Sophia’s nightmare on Golden Girls – and Shady Pines sounds a lot like Tanglewood. To be honest, I would have added one more scene to get back at that young whippersnapper – perhaps the fact that the old man’s pet poisonous snakes were still in the back of the closet in the old apartment? Always kind of fun to see the smart ass kid get his due.

Ain’t Gonna Be Mexico – OK, so this was my attempt. The story came fairly quickly – I have seen far too many crime movies with Russian gangster tattoos and just knew the old man had been in prison. Then I came up with the idea of an “Innocent” son. Then the roommate idea appeared and then the scam. I banged the story out quickly – unfortunately, I banged about 3000 words quickly. It is a pain in the ass to chop 1000 words from a short story and if anyone wishes to count, you will note my story is now exactly 2000 words. I was literally chopping two words into contractions to try to lower my count. This was a huge problem with the story – by the time I got it down to 2000 words, I had lost lots of the characterization, some plot points, almost every interesting adjective and all kinds of personality and style. I was left with a shell of the story. So – consider it the sad Cliff Notes version of what could have been, and should have been, a far better story.

Thanks all - some great stories and looking forward to the next effort!

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First of all, a general comment.

I had a problem with the photo’s setting–I noticed the Cyrillic and it seemed to be sort of a news site; so, when I first saw the photo, I immediately thought of something with a Russian setting: political thriller, Cold War story, Stalinist atrocities, and so on and so on. In the end, I thought too much about it. Between this, and my full calendar, I didn’t manage to write a thing.

Anyway, I also noticed that this Slavic theme was picked up by many of the stories. Taken out of the web page, we had a tattooed man in what seemed to be a hospital setting; on the web page, he became a Slav of some sort. I wonder if, in the future, we could get a photo that is in a minimal setting. That is, just somebody’s photo on Flickr or similar, so we won’t all be pointed thematically in the same direction.

Anyway, I’ll post about the ones I liked best:

John Doe: The setting was familiar, as I lived in Edmonton while I was attending the University of Alberta, so I had no problems visualizing the places mentioned. However, I wondered if the level of detail–eight condos at $650,000 each, for example–was absolutely essential. But the story held my attention from the start.

Declaration of Geneva: I liked this partly because it didn’t use the Russian theme, but also because I found that the writer somehow brought the scene to life. It may have been the dialogue; it seemed very natural, given the circumstances and the setting. Good job!

Welcome to Tanglewoods: Love the twist ending!

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ISTR that I got the pic without the webpage surround in my email. I could be completely wrong, but I did set up my page with just the photo and cue words while planning the story - it was the Cryllic tattoo on his right hand that sent me off in that direction.

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I just stepped in to say that I really appreciate the comments on the story I wrote. They will give me some pointers when the next write-off rolls around.

And I loved reading the other stories as well. I’m not a good critic though, so my comments wouldn’t mean much

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That’s never stopped me in the past… :smiley:

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With the close of the poll, the SDMB Short Fiction Contest, May 2012 edition, has come to an end. First of all, a warm round of applause and my heartiest congratulations to our writers -

DMark
Savannah
The Mighty Boosh
Maggenpye
jackdavinci
Le Ministre de l’au-delà
chrisk
GIGObuster
Puddleglum
Baker and
Elfkin477

Take a well deserved bow, everyone!

And it’s my special privilege to congratulate the writer of the favourite story, The Mighty Boosh , whose touching story Spiral earned the most votes. Well done! A warm round of applause, everybody!

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the Mods for their ongoing support. Their help was most welcome, and I am once again grateful.

I would also like to thank all those who took the time to read, vote and comment on the stories - on behalf of all the writers, we really appreciate your respectful and thoughtful advice.

I hope to run another of the Short Fiction Contests around the end of December, 2012. In the meantime, if anyone is interested, I want to do another Poetry Sweatshop in about a week or so.

Meanwhile, please continue to discuss the stories and comment on them - it is very helpful for all of the writers to see how people reacted to their writing.

28

Thank you,** Le Ministre de l’au-delà**, I’ve only entered twice and it’s already my favourite writing competition. Roll on December, when I’ll be on holiday and able to really concentrate!

And thanks to the people who voted for my story. You’ve made an old hack very happy.

29

Thanks to everyone, but especially Le Ministre de l’au-delà. It’s a huge pleasure to take part in these competitions. I managed to miss the deadline for posting comments but, for what they’re worth, here they are:

Ain’t Gonna Be Mexico

I kept thinking this would make a fantastic movie. I particularly liked the build-up to the conflict at the airport. Perhaps a little too much exposition at the start – it’s a complex plot and you did well to get it into 2000 words.

Marked
It’s nice to read a piece which depends more on internal than external drama. Some fantastic lines (‘She’d wanted maternity, and found mortality.’) I’m a little confused about what actually motivates the change in her, but it’s obviously a well-written piece.

The Music Man

I really like the basic idea in this; reminded me of the sort of thing Stephen King might come up with. (But it would take him 1250 pages to tell it.) I’m envious of the ability to come up with ideas like that. The narrative voice was really well done; she sounded very clipped, authoritative, repressed so, of course, it comes as more of a surprise when she becomes the next ‘music man.’ Really liked this one.

Full Contact

Nice story; particularly, the attempt to convey the ‘otherness’ of the alien race. Seems unfinished though, like this is the start of a longer story, and as such the ending is a little anti-climactic… Definitely a story which could make use of a much larger wordcount.

John Doe

Nicely done – feels like we’ve travelled a long way by the time we get to the end of the story. Lovely, understated ending. Also, I like the way the story resists answering any of the questions it raises; that adds to the general sense of hopelessness. My favourite story.

Protection

Another interesting idea, and another which could certainly justify a much longer word count. Fascinating idea, and I’d like to read further to find out about the things which are left unexplained – most obviously, the nature of the danger to Abigail and the favour she offers to Wright.

Don’t forget comrade, Volgograd, not Stalingrad.

A dense and detailed piece, which obviously gives it a certain level of authenticity. Perhaps attempts to cover too much in 2000 words; it took me a few tries to actually get my head around what was happening! I liked the relationship between the old man and the nurse.
Wisdom calls out

Some funny lines from the old guy. It led me to expect that there’s be some sort of turnaround or epiphinaic realization for the nurse, but I think the ending worked fine as it is. I liked the old man’s character; it’s impressive that he managed to be funny and grumpy and quite sad all in the same short piece.

Declaration of Geneva

This made me go and find out about the Declaration, so there’s a bit of ignorance fought. Nice little twist in the last sentences which I actually didn’t see coming. Like someone else said, there’s some unnecessary stuff about the Hippocratic Oath, but the plot and the writing are certainly strong enough to carry it.

Welcome to Tanglewoods

Well-written – as with ‘The Music Man’, I really like the character of the old guy. He accepts it all a little too easily, perhaps, and I was expecting more of a twist at the end, but it’s a very clever plot.

30

Hey, I don’t think it’s too late for comments - I haven’t had any time to put some together myself.

I do want to throw a question out to all the writers - having seen the comments, what, if anything, would you change for a second draft? I’m just curious…

GAAHH! And late!!!

31

Well, thanks to everybody who voted or commented on my story.

I’d have loved to read in time to vote - but Nanowrimo did not allow. :wink:

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Congrats to The Mighty Boosh!
And another deserved shout out to Le Ministre de l’au-delà for organizing this! Hopefully you can do this again, sooner than later!

What would I have changed in second draft?
Well, as mentioned, my first draft was over 3000 words so for me it was a major problems to chop that story to fit - and that is why many correctly noted that my story seemed more like a much larger plot squeezed into a short story. I have no idea what I could have done - I basically bit off far more than I could chew. For anyone who has ever bought clothing or shoes that were too tight, but were damned well going to squeeze into them anyway, you know where I am coming from.

Perhaps my problem was that I let plot take over characterization. That is not a good thing. If you don’t care about the characters, or know enough about them, you don’t give a damn who lives or dies or what happens.

This was a very valuable lesson for me (and take heed, other writers, so you don’t fall into the same plot pit.)

The best short stories flow with the inner conflict and thoughts of the main character(s). Let them tell the story.
Lesson learned.
Yet another great reason to use these little exercises in writing short stories to find out what works, but equally important, what DOESN’T work.

33

DMark, I liked your story, it was one of the ones I voted for. I like it when people who are playing others find out they themselves have been played. I was pleased and surprised that Michael made it through the story alive, I figured somehow or other he was going to get killed.

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I fixed some of my typos, added back the excised paragraphs, and addressed issues brought up by one of the commenters in a second draft here: oneiroeunoia, Full Contact

I encourage others to link to their own second drafts with a suggested lifting of the maximum word count.

I look forward to the poetry contest and December’s short story contest. Thanks and congratulations to all, and apologies for any criticisms that sounded too harsh.

35

I’d have placed my story later - I think it would be a better fit in the late 70’s and could bring in Uri Geller and the bent spoons. More time for having debunked earlier exeriments and more damaged people.

I’d have made Johanna more overtly cynical, probably by having the junior doctor bringing up Geller and other examples of psychic phenomena and her knocking them all down. It should also be clearer that she loves music and that she deliberately became an expert in that field because she’ researched Lernov and wanted to become his doctor.

I took this story to my writer’s group and it struck me that while every one got that there were lyrics beng referenced, no one got all the lyrics. There should be more of them, many more. One of the group said that, as a Canadian, he’d never heard the term ‘semi quaver’ and would have referred to it as a quarter note, is this true? That (to me) is a clumsy term and I couldn’t have ended the story on it. The rhythm would have been off, so it would be a major re-think of the final paragraph.

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On reflection, probably the opposite of everything in the previous post.