Making Me Want To Kick You In The Kneecap: A How-To Guide

The BBQ Pit
1

Welcome to Making Me Want To Kick You In The Kneecap: A How-To Guide. By the time you’ve finished reading this guide, you’ll be well-informed with all the steps necessary to make me want to kick you in the kneecap. Are you ready to begin? Well then let’s proceed:

Step One
The first thing you’ll need to do is get a medical degree. I have a thyroid condition, so Endocrinology is probably your best bet, but becoming a general practitioner can work as well.

Step Two
Send me out to get blood work done. It’s something I have to have done about twice a year, just to make sure the 'ol thyroid is doing its job somewhat properly.

Step Three
Call me up – personally, mind you – and leaving me a message informing me that “I’ve received your latest test results, and I need to see you right away. Please call me as soon as you get this – it’s very important that you come to my office today”.

Oh…fuck. What the hell could be wrong that my doc finds it so critical that I have to rush right over there? One of my thyroid levels must’ve either plummeted or skyrocketed to a very dangerous level (it’s happened before), so I’d better get over there right away! I call his office, make an appointment for that afternoon, and call my boss to let her know I’d be taking a long lunch.

Step Four
When I get to your office and we discuss my results, tell me everything is pretty good. One of my levels is mildly off, so we’re going to have to adjust my medication ever-so-slightly. When I ask why the big rush, tell me “Oh, I’m leaving for vacation in the morning, and I wanted to make this change before I left”.

<Seethe, burn, fume>

And this couldn’t have been mentioned over the phone why, exactly?

Congratulations! As long as you’ve followed all these steps exactly, you’ve now successfully make me want to kick you in the kneecap! Very hard. While wearing steel-toed boots. Fucker.

2

I feel for you. People who really don’t understand the correct manner to leave messages chap my hide as well.

But, on the list of the way that face to face conversation could have turned out, you should probably be thankful you are only telling us about a minor inconvinence.

3

What? You want me to put this in proper perspective? And waste a perfectly good rant?

Of course, yes…I’m much happier that the reason behind the rush-job was his vacation rather than “Yeah, looks like we’re going to have to surgically remove your thyriod”. Still, doc, no need to get me mashing the panic button.

4

If you’d aim a little higher, Hal, you wouldn’t need the steel-toed boots.

Actually, I think privacy regulations inhibit being precise about medical messages like that over the phone (the Wrong People could intercept the info), but there’s no need to make it sound like last rites are about to be administered.

5

Are those steps a hard and fast requirement? What if I just asked you to kick me in the kneecap?

Seriously, what Jackmannii said. Only the one time I got the same kind of message, it was bad news. I wish that if it were nothing bad they would just say so over the phone. HIPAA, freaking people out since 1996.

6

Bingo…I get a phone call after every blood test, and it’s almost always the same – “Your levels are normal, stay on the current dosage”. I got a “come in right away” message once before, and it was that things had gone seriously out of whack.

And sorry, no, Elf – just asking me to kick you in the kneecap isn’t necessarily going to make me want to kick you in the kneecap.

7

I went in for pre-op blood work prior to getting my tubes tied. The doctor called me in a panic stating that the operation was cancelled because I had acute-renal-failure-drink-this-stuff-to-clear-your-system-and-get-to-the-hospital-tomorrow-for-more-tests.

So I did (it wasn’t pleasant) and when I got there, I got the ol’ “OOPSIE! Wrong blood test! So sorry!!”

That’ll make me want to punch you in the snotlocker.

8

That seems like an awful lot of work for a relatively small effect. What if I just make a lame sheep joke, and point out again that the Giants lost to the Eagles in the playoffs last season?

And yeah, they can’t leave detailed info due to HIPAA, but he could at least have said “The urgency is due to my vacation, not your condition.”

9

Your baby is dead!

Dead tired of baby insurance agents not giving you a free estimate.

10

I know someone who needs a really good kick in the kneecap. But I doubt I could get them to complete the prescribed course of action. Dang.

11

Plus they want to be able to bill your insurance for the cost of a visit. After my colonoscopy the doctor stopped by, said everything looked fine, and I was to come back in five years. So why exactly do I need to make an appointment and pay you $25 so you can tell me what you already told me?

12

How 'bout, “I’ve called in a change in your prescription to your pharmacy.” That would cover it, I think. Maybe he could even add, “I’ll be out of the office starting tomorrow, so if you have any questions call me today.”

13

I think that steps 1 and 2 would be difficult to manage, given my current age (51). Step 3…nope, I can’t work up a sense of urgency about it. And step 4 could, I think, be bypassed by having the patient call me back.

I’ve had several doctors call me back after an office visit or minor surgery to adjust my medication (not my thyroid, but similar) or to just follow up to see if I’m having further pain or any other complications. They call me AT HOME, after office hours. They offer to call in prescriptions for painkillers if I need them. And they don’t bill me for the call, either.

I’ve got a long list of people who really need a smack upside the head, and I don’t feel that I can attend to all of them in a timely manner. If you are still in the kneecap kicking mood, possibly I could outsource some of them to you. Not the same as slapping them upside the head, but probably as effective.

14

I’m one of the newer guys in the office. (actually the newest save one) Orders are slow, layoff is rumored, and a mandatory meeting for all of my department is scheduled for 9AM with no announced agenda…don’t need to be Carnac to work this one out.

At 8:30 my boss and the head of security walk into my office. First words out of my bosses mouth were “Key to the building”. OH SHIT!

Turns out the HoS was there to GIVE me a key to the building and instruct me on operation of the alarm system. AND there was a layoff, and that was what the meeting was about.

I told my boss he owed me a beer for that one, and he agreed!

15

So, I had a needle stick injury at work (Im a nurse) and of course I had to go through the whole screening process at the emergency, and I knew I would be getting re peat blood tests at (IIRC) the 3, 6, and 12 months post exposure.They give me the forms to get the follow up tests. I was screened for HIV and Hep B and C. A baseline to compare if I sero-convert later.

Two days later I get a message from my doctor’s office… to please go in to her office as soon as possible…It was after business hours, so I couldnt schedule anything until the next day. So what does my baseline test show? Um, I’m vaccinated against Hep B, I 've never used needle drugs, I’m pretty down with the condom thing, and havent had any new sex partners…oh except the guy two years ago and we broke a condom…he seemed ok, but who knows, … he had a tatoo… oh my god oh my god, what have I done…

After a sleepless night, I go in first thing to see the doctor, hoping I can get squeezed in to see her. Hallilujah I can. She seems genuinely surprised to see me. I tell her of the message.

Oh my secretary garbled this, I just wanted to see you sometime in the next three months so I could give you the rest of the lab slips.

Like the ones the hospital gave me. For the post-exposure bloodwork.

That medical secretary still owes me 8 good hours of sleep!

16

Kick in the knees???

I’d be aiming just a teeny bit higher, and someone would be a soprano from now on. :eek:

17

Hal, I was looking forward to having you want to kick me in the kneecap when we met in Philadelphia. But that’s less than two weeks away and I’m never going to get through medical school in time. Is there some fast track I can take?

18

Hmmm…you can try promising to pick up my portion of the tab and then backing out at the last minute. I can’t promise that’ll bring my ire up to a full kneecap-kicking, but it should at least get you into the “I want to kick you in the shin” ballpark.

19

::sigh:: I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow to…duh, duh DUH…discuss the results of my mammogram. Which the radiologist has already declared normal. She had her secretary call me to schedule this. WHY? Oh, well, I’ll know tomorrow.

20

I don’t think they inhibit messages such as “I’m leaving for vacation tomorrow, so please call the office today.”