I was inspired by smug’s post on how to get the mods to notice you.
Here are some ways to make me happy at work (please note the sarcasm):
Please do not put any dates on documents. It’s more fun when I’m filing if I have to guess when something was done.
Please don’t write out the clients’ full names. Again, when I try to file things, it helps me hone my detective skills when I have to figure out which “Joe” you’re referring to.
3a) If you’re going to do me the favor of trying to update the case files yourself, do not follow the Table of Contents. Just toss that stuff in there anywhere you please. I enjoy re-filing things.
3b) If you need to remove something from a case file, don’t bother putting it back where it belongs. I’ll be happy to re-file it for you.
Please write your reports in all capital letters. It’s so much easier to read it that way.
I don’t have an office mailbox for any good reason. Just toss stuff onto my chair or desk. That way I’ll be sure to notice it.
6a) I love it when people come into my office and use it as their personal hang out. I don’t really have much work to do anyway, and I enjoy hearing your funny stories about how drunk you got that one time.
6b) When you come in and use my phone, please doodle all over the papers lying on my desk. I like to look at your pretty drawings. Oh, and please move my stuff around. It’s like a scavenger hunt trying to find everything later. And, really, who doesn’t love a good scavenger hunt?
I am your personal answering service and secretary. Please use me as such. I am happy to relay messages between you and various co-workers.
Please leave me lots of voicemails. Make sure you include lots of stupid questions, and make sure each message is at least two or three minutes long. I really enjoy the sound of your voice.
I enjoy when you come in and ask, “Do you have anything to read? I’m bored.” First, I like to know how much free time you have at work, and secondly, I bring in reading materials solely to lend them to others. Then I can pretend I work at the library!
So, do you guys have anything to add based on your jobs?
I think you pretty much said it all.
I’m working at a temp job that involves a lot of filing and office stuff, too. After 6 hours or so–everything just gets incredibly tedious and I find myself checking the clock more often.
Please leave a voicemail on my phone with just your first name and no phone number, cause there aren’t any other hairdressers named Debbie, Terri, Lori, Etc.
Please don’t tell me what you think you have, so when your order comes in and it is wrong, I can’t claim to be telepathic.
Please bitch at me as often as possible in a “joking around” mode, cause its so fun to try to tell other people’s moods when you hardly remember their name.
Please keep me waiting for 30 min while you are blabbing on the phone to your boyfriend about what your favorite color is, cause you are the only person I see today.
“Be right there”
Please yell at me for not having an actual left handed pair of shears for you (to poop on for all I care) When 80% of left handed stylist use right handed shears in their left hand.
Take advantage of the fact that your job definition is seven years out of date and has no connection whatsoever with current reality; use it to justify not doing anything at all for your paycheck.
When a call comes in, alternate between looking stupidly at the phone and looking stupidly at your coworkers, as if to say, “Isn’t anyone gonna answer that?” Your coworkers appreciate being trusted with all the work.
Conduct your private photography business on company time. Use the Help Desk line as your private business number, too. It adds spice and variety to your coworkers’ lives by allowing them to also work as your receptionist and sales department. And of course I know what weddings you shot last week.
If you have nothing better to do but work for which the company is supposedly paying you, do daytrading or monitor your financial portfolio. If company work gets backlogged enough, the company will authorize overtime pay for you. Never mind that some folks in the group are on salary and will be working those extra hours without extra pay. Don’t worry. They had nothing planned for the weekend.
If on the off chance that you do respond to a PC Help Desk call, don’t log the problem in the Help Desk log database.
If you do screw up by entering a work ticket, don’t provide frivolous info, such as due date, problem type, etc. And who needs an adequate description of the problem itself?
If you do manage to solve a problem, in the “Action Taken” field that lets coworkers know what you did to solve the problem, just type in “DONE!” Once a PC problem occurs, it never happens again anywhere in the universe, so nobody ever needs more info than “DONE!”
Never, ever, EVER document your work or any tasks for which you’re responsible. When you discover a fix, keep it under your hat. Since you never miss work and the systems never break down when you do, nobody will ever need your knowlege.
When anyone else is around to handle the work, feel free to sleep.
When no one else is around to see you sleep, feel free to sleep.
Take a regular two-hour break in the morning for reading your newspaper in the lunchroom. When you’ve exhausted yourself from that ordeal, you’ve then earned your lunch hour. Your coworkers like you to be well-informed, as well as well-rested and well-fed. These rules are based on two coworkers at my last job. I greatly enjoyed working with them, but I didn’t deserve so much of a good thing. And my spineless, dumbass boss couldn’t stand the bliss of supervising the group, so he had a heart attack. Some guys have all the fun.
10. If you’re out of the office, phone in every ten minutes and ask to leave a message for yourself. Your co-workers never grow tired of this knee-slapper.
11. Distribute memos scribbled on bar napkins and pizza boxes. Photocopy them and leave them on the copier glass.
12. Change the fax machine pre-set numbers and don’t label the buttons, or tell anyone. Sit back and watch the hilarity ensue.
13. Always completely mess with the copier settings after you’ve made your copies. Remember to change the number of copies to the maximum amount for added fun while watching the next unsuspecting user.
14. Send lots of chain e-mails to everybody in the company directory and spam your office mail server with internet pages completely unrelated to your office’s line of work. Bonus points for sending politically incorrect material.
These things will usually liven up even the dullest of office days.
For the record, I’m a sales assistant in a clothing store. Here is a brief list about how to make me happy.
After you’ve finished trying on 10 items of clothing, (6 more than you’re actually allowed to have in the changing room, by the way) don’t hand them to the employee standing two metres away from you, hand outstretched. Instead, leave the clothes in a disgusting mess on the floor, tangled up with the hangers and the tantalising waft of your B.O.
Try to bargain me down on the prices. We employees love nothing more than a good haggle - it gives our store that authentic ‘market’ flavour.
Encourage your children to come behind the counter to see the cash register when I’m ringing up your purchase. For extra cuteness value, laugh indulgently when they stick their grubby fingers into the till. Ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha. No, really. Ha.
Spend 10 minutes asking me if I can see your g-string through your pants. Demand that I bring everybody in the store to view said g-string.
That’s all I can think of at the moment. I’m working later today, so I’ll let you know if I get inspired again.
When you can’t pay your rent, or only pay part of it:
Tell me you couldn’t pay it cause you had to have your car fixed. Get mad when I tell you to go live in your car.
Tell me you had to pay an old fine. When I ask for what, say it was traffic tickets. Nobody ever gets picked up for anything but traffic tickets, even when I know it was a drug bust.
Tell me you came here late last night, but the office was closed. Act insulted that we have lives.
Tell me you are only paying part of your rent, and then give me a lot of money and expect me to give you change.
Come in drunk and/or stoned, and tell me you can’t pay your rent. I love a person with their priorities in order.
Tell me you have to call someone to get your rent money. Act like you can’t punch in the right number. When I ask you for the number to punch it in myself, act like you can’t remember the number. When you finally get the number, order a pizza.
Tell me you talked to so-and-so and they said you didn’t have to pay your rent. Get mad when I tell you that I don’t know anything about it.
Only pay a little bit, and when I refuse to accept it, tell me it’s all you got. Act mad cause I won’t accept a 1/5 payment.
Come in sick, and get right in my face and scream that you couldn’t work and don’t have the rent. Act mad when I tell you not to scream in my face when you are sick.
Promise to pay your rent by Monday, come in Friday and tell me you can’t pay your rent cause you broke a machine at work and had to pay to get it fixed. I love hearing your troubles.
Oh yes I have been there before. . .
Managed a Model Train Store, Sales Associate RadioShack
Please yell at me for buying a book, which you know you can’t return (its a book, we aint a library) Opening the plastic, flipping through it, not finding what you need, then trying to return it and I wont let you.
Please tell me how I should run my store and what items YOU think I should carry, because you are a mass market right?
Oh and I just love it when you open all the boxes, disreguarding the “dont open boxes sign”, to see the item, when there is a big friggin picture of it on the outside of the box! I just love taping them back up and explaining to the next person that it wasnt returned.
Dont worry about what size you have at home, or trying to ask me questions about things, any train you see here will fit your track.
I love it when I get hit on by older men, please ask me what I am doing after work!
I beg of you to ask me a question, listen to the answer, then disagree with me because I am a woman, and couldn’t possibly know anything about trains or electronics. I mean I have only been around RadioShack since I was, uh, born!
-Oh Sir, I am the manager!
