This is why I don’t engage in the “How are you?” game.
It’s usually said to me as I’m passing someone in the hallway. If someone says to me “How are you?” I have to answer “Good. And how are you?” etiquette then dictates I have to wait around for an answer and then respond “Good”.
Look man, I’m a fast walker, if I engaged in that back and forth game, I’d be at the total other end of the hallway before we were done. And I don’t particularly feel like yelling out my responses (so you can hear me) just in the interest of being polite.
People shouldn’t be expected to remember the ins and outs of your life. If you tell me that you’re going on a vacation to Florida, I’ll probably say something like, “Cool, hope you have fun!” and then promptly forget about it and get back to my own day to day life.
Sometimes people have things going on. Sometimes they’re distracted. Sometimes the cat is sick, or the kid got in trouble at school, or a pipe in the house burst. Now, if someone is constantly ignoring you as you talk to them, that’s pretty rude, but if you say ‘hi’ and don’t get an automatic ‘hello’ back a couple times, why not give someone the benefit of the doubt?
So, yesterday, my brother-in-law, no, the other one, the guy who married my older sister, he got this weird sebaceous cyst in his elbow, no, he got the cyst, like, weeks ago, but yesterday the doctor said it was bursitis, and he keeps making “burse” jokes, like “I need to be reimbursed,” and I don’t think the words are etymologically related, but he is one of those guys who always makes the first pun that comes to mind, and so they’re scheduling him for surgery, and he wants to know if he can just drain it himself, like, with an X-Acto knife or something, and if he disinfects it properly, well, how much harm is it likely to do, so… Continues unabated in a “Bein Stein” voice for the next four hours…
My dear MattT, I do empathize and condole. All this coarse, boorish discourtesy is most distressing to me and, I have no doubt, to a gentleman or lady of your refined sensibilities. Might I venture to suggest that the violent insertion of a large cactus into your rectal cavity might alleviate your justified mortification, or at least get your mind off it.
So, you’re dying to tell people about what you did yesterday evening, so your strategy is to go around asking other people what they got up to yesterday evening, in hopes that they’ll say, “Not much. How about you?” Then you’ll have an opening to tell them about how you saved the little girl from the rabid wolverines.
Half the time I participate in this inane ritual, the initiator doesn’t answer when I return their question. Now they’ve basically tricked me into putting myself in a position to be left hanging.
Why would anyone want to waste time with this exchange of insincere inquiries?
So, yesterday, this guy at my work, no, the other one, the guy who stalked my older sister until she got her kickboxing coach to pretend to be her estranged psychotic husband, he starts telling me this story and the only part that really sank in was this weird sebaceous cyst in somebody’s elbow, and oh my god, you have got to google sebaceous cyst on youtube, the first or second one you find is this video of a huge one on a dude’s head and somebody I sure hope it’s a doctor is peeling open a hole in the guy’s head, it’s gotta be a bona fide doc doing that, right, 'cause if anyone can just drain those suckers themselves, like, with an X-Acto knife or something, that would be so cool – I would do that for free – c’mon, how much harm is it likely to do and maybe word of mouth would get around that there’s this guy that works with the guy who stalked the kickboxing chick and he, meaning me, disinfects cysts and drains the biggest, grossest pus-pussies anyone in this town’s ever made a youtube video of … Continues unabated in a “Peter Griffin” voice for the next four hours…
Re the bolded: I’m not quite sure whether you’re serious here, or being satirical; but if the former – do expectations like this, perhaps threaten to open the door (no pun intended) to a potentially infinite exchange of verbal courtesies?
“Thank you.” “You’re welcome.” “No, truly, it was very good of you.” “Really, it was my pleasure.” “Still, it was a kind thing to do.” “Honestly, think nothing of it.”
“Ultimate logical conclusion” – both parties could be trapped on this treadmill for ever, in fear of the first one to drop the exchange being thought rude, and being consequently treated with scorn…
I may tell somebody that I hope they have a great time on their vacation if I know them well enough to a)remember that they have a vacation coming up &
b) care that they have a good time
but I certainly wouldn’t expect anyone other than close friends or family to keep track of what’s going on in my life.
The following rant is not directed at you, for you seem to be a reasonable person. But I have had it up to here with the politeness brigade.
I already have to deal with all your little superstitions and rituals.
I don’t need to say bless you or god bless you or gesundheit when someone sneezes. It’s a basic bodily function, and it doesn’t need to be celebrated, apologized for, or automatically acknowledged. Your nose tickled, whoopy-fucking do.
I don’t need to wish people a wonderful day. I don’t need to respond when people tell me they’ll be praying for me, or to have a blessed day.
We wouldn’t want to have our elbows on the table, even though the table is at the exact right height for me to rest my elbows on, I have to hover my arms over the table for the entirety of the meal, or hang them at my sides, because the very act of resting my arm on the table offends your delicate sensibilities.
I wouldn’t want to be caught dead using the wrong fork at a formal dinner, or speaking out of turn in someone else’s house, or forgetting that I’m not supposed to directly hand the Japanese emperor a letter.
Get over yourselves. All you people obsessed with politeness. You take everything as a direct personal attack when all I am doing is being me.
You know what? The crap you do annoys me too, and I tolerate you and do not expect you to change your behavior and conform to me like some kind of self-absorbed mannerism supremacist.
I don’t have to say “you’re welcome” either. If you’re thanking me for something, it means I already did something nice for you. So you thanked me, as if that means something to me. It doesn’t, especially since this deed is forgotten two seconds later. Getting upset at me because I didn’t wink and touch my nose and click my heels together and tell you how welcome you are to further favors of mine is the sign of a person who has trouble dealing with the normal differences between human beings.
Everywhere I go, I deal with the politeness police.
How am I doing? Maybe if you actually gave a crap how I’m doing it wouldn’t be such an irritating question. The question is not actually a question. It’s a way of saying hello. So the answer is, hello right back. But I can’t phrase it that way, I have to lie to you and tell you “I’m doing great, you?” and then you go “Oh yeah, terrific”.
All this unnecessary and superfluous ritualistic nonsense which appeals to people who prefer small talk and sameness as opposed to depth and content and individuality.
It’s not a sign of immorality when someone doesn’t conform to arbitrary rules of politeness.
I understand why it’s disgusting when someone blows their snot out onto the sidewalk as opposed to sneezing in a paper towel and throwing it away- it’s the same reason why nobody likes people who hock spit on the ground near your feet. I don’t really want your bodily excretions forming projectiles in my direction which I then have to look at. THAT makes some goddamned sense in terms of what is impolite.
What, pray tell, is so fucking impolite about not wishing invisible spirits will give you blessings every fucking time you fucking sneeze? GIVE ME A BREAK.
Maybe I’m one of those people who is not a morning person and I don’t WANT a cheery “How’s your day going?” when I first shuffle off to work. Maybe I don’t even want to pretend and fake being polite right now. Can you give me a chance to get some coffee? I am glad that everyone in this world besides me is so goddamned chipper all the time, but you know what? I’m not a rapist or a murderer or a car thief or a guy who beats his wife. My BIG EFFING CRIME is that I want to be left the fuck alone by all you people who absolutely have to get me to conform to your societal norms, behaviors, rituals, and nonsense words, with fake cheer on top of it.
I get it, I’m the biggest asshole ever to walk the planet because I won’t pretend to believe in supernatural beings whenever someone tells me to have a blessed day. I actually think it’s more impolite to lie to people and wish for them to have a blessed day back. I don’t make wishes or prayers, and I have tolerance and respect for those with sincere beliefs, but I don’t respect those who profess insincere belief, and it’s a matter of personal integrity that I don’t profess insincere beliefs. I won’t wish you a blessed day back. If it’s a religious holiday (news flash: I don’t celebrate any of yours) don’t expect me to wish you a Happy _____ Day.
I’m not trying to make a statement. I don’t care if a single other person on the planet follows my lead. You all can go about your happy lives bowing and shaking hands and blessing each others’ sneezes and wishing each other good fortune and praying for things and expecting everyone else in the world to behave exactly the same way as you. Go outside of your white bread hicktown USA life and travel the world and understand all your little traditions and rituals are, precisely, cultural norms. They’re polite because it’s the local tradition. It’s impolite to do your polite behaviors elsewhere. Because most of this crap is arbitrary tradition based on old nonsensical superstitions and beliefs about classes and how dirty things are and how people are not equal to one another, and how people need to show an arbitrarily high level of respect for some, and a lower amount of respect for others.
I don’t stand or put my hand over my heart when someone says the pledge of allegiance. Know how I demonstrate my allegiance? I don’t break the fucking laws and I don’t funnel money to terrorists and if some psycho nation invaded us, I’d be there on the front lines with a gun, even though I’m a goddamned pacifist. I also don’t disrespect the flag or our veterans or any of that. But I also don’t feel the need to arbitrarily put my hand over my heart and look misty eyed off into the distance every time someone recites the pledge. Again, GET OVER YOURSELVES. It’s a flag. It doesn’t give a shit if I salute it. Only you do, and you can’t believe anyone in this world who doesn’t behave exactly as you do belongs in the same country as you.
I just get so sick of behavioral fascism. That’s one of many reasons why I don’t belong to groups. I don’t go to clubs, I don’t recite oaths, I don’t bow down to objects, I don’t pray to invisible beings, I don’t know the songs or the dances and I don’t feel compelled to ever learn them, and I think you people who find comfort in these things are all infantile!
And yet, I’m willing to overlook that and just fucking deal with you as you are, without demanding everyone conforms to the way I am.
A little reciprocation from the politeness / cultural norms nazis would be appreciated. But that’s never gonna happen. So I’ll just continue not giving a shit, and the politeness nazis can continue being offended.
So? You didn’t want for me to have a day where I didn’t get harassed by the War-On-Christmas nazis. So why would I rub a magic lamp and pray to the genie of the holiday season for you to have a wonderful holiday?
You’re the kind of person who obviously forgot the message of the guy whose birth you’re celebrating. You’re running around telling me to wish you a wonderful day, while not giving a crap if I have a wonderful day.
You’re a self-absorbed egotistical behavior nazi, and I hope you have a shitty fucking Christmas.
Intellectually, I know that when an American says “hi how are you?” they expect “fine! and you?” and that they may respond “fine” or tell me about a lot of things I don’t really give a fig about.
But having grown up where “how are you” is an actual request to tell people how I am, it will always be emotionally strange to have it come out of the blue. HEY! What happened to “good morning”? Does this mean it’s weeeeeird and unacceptable of Americans to do what their customs consider correct? No, but it does mean I reserve my right to have to think about it every time - by which time, many people are already asking “why so grumpy?” Yeargh! Sorry, it’s my “uh?” face!
and you?” and that they may respond “fine” or tell me about a lot of things I don’t really give a fig about.