Usually over 15% of the time, the woman can’t control certain things about her vagina, particularly if she is over a certain age and under another.
I like/agree with Manda JO’s take on it.
And I too wonder why/whether homosexual relationships are any different in this regard.
No, it’s true. It also works both ways.
Let’s say that my wife is talking about how bad the cable bill is and makes a factual mistake. Is it better for me to interrupt and correct her, or ignore it?
Communication among people whom you have a long-term relationship with isn’t about winning or “being right”, it’s about communicating one’s ideas, facts, and emotions. Perhaps the cable bill is only $136 instead of the $186 that she just said, but the fact that I can be “right” in correcting her does nothing to communicate the fact that I am listening to her and understand her frustrations. Quite the opposite, really. What will end up happening if I try to be “right” is the following sentence will eventually be uttered:
“I am listening to you! At least I know how much the cable bill really is!”
Once upon a time, Jimmy Carter said something factually wrong and Sam Donaldson was about to jump him for it, but Carter’s press secretary came around and said “Don’t focus on what he said, but on what he meant.” Sam realized that he had a point and that the focus of the report (the gaffe) was irrelevant in the face of the larger issue.
Same thing with marriage. The goal is to work together in making a better life for both partners, not to win at the others expense.
I confess I’ve got the pedant gene. My wife will sometimes say something like, “Can you start the washing machine before bed?” and I’ll say, “Dishwasher?” EVEN THOUGH I KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHAT SHE MEANS. And then I want to kick myself, because why the hell would I feel the need to correct her? It’s an obnoxious move on my part, one I’m trying to get rid of.
This is why we become teachers: for 8 hours a day, it’s a virtue.
Though even in the classroom I have to remember that it’s not always best to play accuracy police. But you can get away with a lot more as The Teacher than as The Spouse.
Yeah, because THAT’S when you want to make your stand and insist that you are right about something.
I live with a corrector - they were put on this earth to correct me. They insist that they are only trying to help! I find there are some differences that make a difference - Being right on the purely factual or informational? Not such a big deal. Being right on opinions? Bigger deal! But of course, what constitutes opinion is also a matter of opinion, don’tchaknow ;). The example of loading a dishwasher falls into this realm…“the racks were designed a certain way, and the instruction manual says…”
Really, the better question not about your own happiness, but the other persons happiness.
Well, except the Internet. And thank Og for it! 
Ah. Certain political positions are starting to make sense now …
“Whenever you win an argument, apologize immediately”
[right]– Lazarus Long (Heinlein)[/right]
Which is not to say that the occasional correction leads to this- but my if husband starts with "you mean the dishwasher" and "the cable bill was only $136" and and then brow-beats me until I agree that his way of loading the dishwasher really *is* better, and of *course* it was four Christmases ago* - well,let's just say he might be right but he won't be happy and how unhappy he is will be proportionate to how much he needs to be right.
- IME a fairly large proportion of these people aren’t satisfied unless the other person agrees with their correction. Simply not arguing about the correction is not good enough. Saying it’s unimportant or irrelevant is not good enough. The other person must recognize the correcter’s rightness.
I think this is an extension of “pick your battles”. How important is it to be right? About everything? Like whether or not Smurfs are mammals, or the difference between the color ‘Aqua’ or ‘Baby Blue’? Are you willing to die on a hill over those types of arguements? And deep down, do you really care?
My wife mis-uses and mispronounces words, and it can get on my nerves sometimes. She calls the Laundry Room the ‘garage’, a painting a ‘frame’, the heater the ‘A/C’. Deodorant is ‘Deorient’, Beard is ‘Beer’ Stole is ‘Stold’. But I know what she means. We don’t have a garage in our house; the stuff we store in the laundry room is stuff you might store in a garage normally. Most paintings do in fact have frames around them. And the heater is controlled by the same doodad that controlls the air conditioner. But at the end of the day, English is not her first language, and since I know what she means anyway to correct her is to be petty. She double majored in undergrad and recently earned a MSW, and none of her colleagues think less of her just because she pronounces some words funny in English.
If I was that petty, i’d have to be willing to be held to the same standard. And as someone that hates being corrected/told how to do something, it would drive me nuts. Its not worth it. Do I really want her to belittle me for the way I pronounce the city ‘Apaxtlian’? then I can STFU how she mangles ‘Deodorant’ 
The alternative to living with someone whom you have a difference of opinion would be to live with someone exactly like you. How dull.
Perhaps the phrase should be amended to choosing between being right and being peaceful.
For the first few years of marriage I followed the peaceful route. Whenever it reached the point of, would I rather give in to what ever she wanted or get into a fight, I chose the former, because it was easier, and because it seemed altruistic more on my part. For those years we had a more peaceful marriage, but there was resentment on my part building up inside on my part which led to a certain distance between us.
Through counseling on an unrelated matter I learned that this was counter productive and now stand up for my beliefs on matters large and small. For the most part we resolve our differences civilly although occasionally the fur will fly. But doing so bring the problems out into the open light where they can be resolved, so that in the end we are both closer and much happier than we were under the old system.
IMO, terrible advice. If you are in a relationship where you’re butting heads enough where you have to choose between feeling heard and validated or biting your tongue to avoid the confrontation, the relationship is in trouble.
Certainly, there are plenty of times, even if a solid relationship, where one should pick one’s battles and starting an argument because your partner insists that that movie you just watched came out in 2002 and you’re sure it was actually 2003. In that case, even if you could go to IMDB to prove it, it’s not worth it. If that’s the sort of thing the advice is talking about, then sure. But at the same time, if you’re in a relationship where you feel compelled to win such a silly argument or prove your partner wrong on something so innocuous, you’re still in trouble.
But when it comes to major things, at least major as far as what’s important to you, then that advice is impossible to follow. If you have a fundamental disagreement on something that is important to the two of you, say you have differing political opinions, then one or the other constantly conceding any potential argument is going to lead to resentment. If that’s the case, then the best approach is to reach a point of mutual agreement, not that one or the other of you two is right, but that you can be comfortable agreeing to disagree.
Using myself as an example, music is important to me, and I have some uncommon tastes. I wouldn’t expect a girlfriend to love the same music I do, or even like it, but as long as she could appreciate that I’m passionate about it and it really does move me, I’m okay with that. And, similarly, if she were a fan of a style I generally find headache inducing, I’d like to believe I could do the same for her. Or in politics, while not nearly as strong for me, I would be endlessly frustrated if she insisted I held a certain view for nefarious reasons, but if we could reach a point where we both at least understood the other’s perspective understanding that it was honest and with good intentions, even if we didn’t agree, then that’s fine.
The problem here is, reaching those sorts of states of mutual understanding takes a lot of work. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people find that it’s just easier to give up on a point than try to find the common ground that exists. But then, if that were made into a pithy saying, it would just be “if you want to be happy in a relationship, both parties need to work hard and be reasonable” isn’t helpful, since it’s something we all already know. Everyone wants a simple solution, and that’s where that comes from.
Yeah, it’s good advice. If being ‘wrong’ wouldn’t make you happy, then it’s generally important enough to be worth arguing about. But otherwise, it’s worth remembering.
I don’t get the heterosexuality point either. Couples bicker about mundane shit, gay or straight. Left Hand of Dorkness reminds me of friends of mine, with his washing machine/dishwasher pedantry. Whenever John states that someone was wearing ‘blue jeans’, as in Oh my god, she showed up to an interview wearing blue jeans. Dave makes some sarcastic or irritable comment about how the colour doesn’t matter. Every.single.time (and to be fair, I’ve no idea why John needs to mention the colour either. Maybe it’s an American thing).
I love this post. You gave some great examples of things that are technically wrong but show how 1- a lot of times you can see how the correct and incorrect things are related (paintings have frames and such) an 2- if you know what she means, correcting her just for the sake of being correct is petty and demeaning.
Also, your last paragraph is spot on. IME, those who are the most pedantic and nitpicky of others’ mistakes DO.NOT.LIKE.IT when the shoe is on the other foot. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. 
To be fair, whenever someone says “blue jeans” when the color isn’t germane, they are almost certainly 70+ years old. If it’s rainy outside they’ll ask you to put your galoshes on outside the blue jeans.