My two cents is this: if you’re not serious enough about marriage to want it to last for the rest of your life, why bother doing it?
My sister-in-law was divorced and later re-married. They took vows, of course, promising to love each other forever. I remember wondering, “Didn’t she say that last time? Why should we believe her this time?”
Well, speaking from my own experience, I would have to say that unfortunately, there are far too many who take a flippant attitude about marriage.
My husband and I will be coming up on our second anniversary later this year, but we’ve been together almost five years now. We both realized that marriage would be a lot of hard work. Neither of us expected instant happiness, rather we got married because each of us realized that we lend so much to each other in bad times as well as good. It’s not just the happy times that I look forward to, it’s having someone who I trust to help me through the bad times as well.
Like others have pointed out, I can’t believe that there are people who either don’t talk about important issues like religion, money, children, etc. before marriage, or rather they feel that the differences they share in these areas are ‘not important’ enough to warrant a second thought. Then, a few years down the road something comes up, and it becomes an issue.
My husband and I had talked about marriage after about a year of dating, but we both realized that there was a lot more to marriage than just love. We wanted to be sure that once the initial romance had waned, we could still work as a team and care for each other with love.
Of course, we’ve had some good role models. Both our parents had wonderful marriages, and my parents will be celebrating their 30th anniversary soon.
I can’t state for sure what the future will bring, but regardless, I know our marriage will last because we’ve made a conscious decision to not give up on it.
Not every marriage that ends in divorce was entered into flippantly or without forethought. Sometimes things just go to hell and divorce is the least horrible choice out of a whole slew of shitty options.
Just saying, is all.
And yes, I believe a marriage can last a lifetime. But I also believe that staying in a bad marrige out of some sense of obligation, or so that your friends and relatives won’t think you’re flaky or irresponsible is dumb.
My husband was married twice before me. Both times, the wives left him. I didn’t marry him until I was 40, which is probably significant. I often think people marry too young. I plan to be married to him for the rest of my life.
Amen, sister (or brother!).
I worked my ass off on my marriage, for 16 years. But both parties have to want to work on the marriage, and both parties need to have the same sorts of mind-sets about marriage.
Despite a shared strong religious belief between my ex and me, and despite years of counseling and trying, trying, trying, things really never improved.
One of the best titles I’ve heard of in the whole relationship self-help genre is Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Helping You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship (by Mira Kirshenbaum if you are curious). I never read the book, in fact I didn’t hear about it until after I was divorced but that title resonated for me.
Sometimes a marriage isn’t horrible in that no one is getting physically abused, no one is cheating, that kind of thing. But it’s still horrible. And that’s what I was in.
I didn’t enter into the decision to leave him lightly either. I knew in 1993 that our marriage was over, and didn’t move out for another year. It was a year after that before he finally filed for divorce.
To those who want to paint divorce with a broad (judgmental) brush – please don’t. Not all of us have thrown away our marriages with no more thought than discarding a candy wrapper.
well, my wife and i have ben together for six years- our third wedding anniversary in on monday. and i can’t imagine not being married to her for the rest of my life.
marriage is hard work- but worth it. I have to echo XJETGIRLX- my FaerieBeth and i discussed virtually everything well in advance of setting any plans of being married- how we felt about kids, what sort of careers we wanted, what sort of place we wanted to live in, what we liked doing in our spare time, politics, religion, you name it. we also had the added fun of talking race theory because we are an interracial couple.
I guess for us, the big deal was that she had two little boys from her first marriage…so i knew going into it how serious this was going to be. people that just jump into it seem to be asking for trouble down the line, especially when kids are involved.
I also agree with belladonna on one one point as well- circumstances can be a bitch. even if you plan everything out, people and circumstances can change so as to make it all moot.
though that does not mean that you should not make some effort to discover and resolve differences, or failing that, JUST LET GO.
failure to get off a sinking ship early on is a big problem, as well.
and here’s an anecdote: i know a professor at the college that believes that sex outside of marriage is a sin. to that end, she’s been married six times. now, i’m not a religious man, but i doubt that this is what Jesus intended.
I thought I was the only person left who took marraige seriously. I am 29, and have seen many friends my age divorced, having affairs, or just plain miserable. I have NEVER considered marraige until I found the right person, which I have, and I will work hard to make it last. However, we are highly compatible and have very similar communication styles. That is important in keeping a relationship strong. I think so many people jump into marraige with false expectations, or they feel “It’s the thing to do”. I feel marraige as a whole has been cheapened by the divorce rate and the senseless people who marry too young, or have a fight and decide to end it. It makes me ill.