Yes and no. While I’d really like to find “the one”. It sure is a lot of work to find and maintain it. I go back and forth between intense fear of getting hurt again and wanting to find someone with whom to share my life.
As to the “too much of a hassle to get out of”? I don’t know, my only marriage ended in the early 80s in a fairly amicable divorce, once the initial spats died down. We’re civil/friendly to each other, to the point of having dinner together at each others’ houses when our daughter visits from the Lower 48. He has even called me for moral support when he’s had relationship problems.
I have to admit though, the “one that got away” so to speak, nearly killed me (approx 4-5 years ago). Even though I ultimately made the move for the final break up, that was the single most painful thing I’ve gone through in my life, so far.
Just remembering how badly it hurt to lose him, and how long it’s taken me to even semi-recover makes me nervous about even thinking about trying again. And this is a man that did everything in his power to make it easier for me after the break up, (being there to hold me while I cried, talking to me for hours on the phone, emailing encouragement etc).
Looking back, in the end it probably would have been easier on me HAD he been a merciless jerk who insulted me, made me feel bad, broke up with my by email and dropped off the face of the planet never to be heard from again. It’s much easier to stop being in love with a jerk who’s horrible to all women, than a good man who just didn’t happen to want you.
I was married once and I’d do it all over again. I guess I probably will someday.
I don’t know why, but something about that level of deep, romantic entanglement is just really appealing to me. I know guys aren’t generally expected to feel that way, but I do.
I’ve been married almost 18 years, still very happily, but if my wife died (God forbid!) I would be very wary of dating again, let alone marrying again. I hit the jackpot the first time out - what are the odds of that happening again? And yet it might. I hope my heart would remain open enough that I might find true love again and maybe even, in time, marry again. Marriage is a sacred commitment to me, and I understand that it’s not for everyone. Still, “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
My mother’s take is “if I had the problems I had with one of the good ones, why would I want to look for another one and risk getting a dud?”
I’ve often wondered if she’d have a different take if she hadn’t spent so much of their marriage folding herself under Dad “to avoid giving the children an image of disagreement.”
I’ve been told I’m a closet romantic. Maybe, but really, I think I have too much baggage to really be able to “give myself.”
Well, then, why not start on the SDMB? There are a bunch of young unmarrieds here (myself included) who could probably benefit from some education on the topic. What do we poor innocent youths need to know before we’re led blindly to an altar?
(I’m not being snarky, I really mean it - someone start a new thread or something, and educate us!)
That’s an excellent suggestion Antigen, but the variations between states and between countries make it pretty complex. But I will offer this bit of advice: as a relationship develops and you contemplate marriage and your reasons for wanting to marry, consider writing it all down. That is, document your assumptions and intentions. Discuss them. As time goes on (especially after getting married), write down any changes or new considerations. Be especially meticulous about income, savings, children, housework, career goals, time together and time apart, sexual needs, desires and expectations, and make an agreement about a contingency plan for breaking up (i.e. agree in advance about how you’ll deal with children, assets, etc.). Review this document at least once a year and update it.
If this sounds too cold and formal for the romantic nature of your love, you’re probably not ready to get married.
As an afterthought, I should point out that if you actually do this properly there will be very little reason to get married (aside from the convenience/burden of some automatic features of legal marriage, all of which can be accomplished by other more deliberate means).
What marriage provides is a means of making a legal commitment to something without having to go to the trouble of reading the fine print or thinking about your choices. I know that sounds cynical, but it’s true and it makes me uncomfortable that our culture has institutionalized that as a “feature.”
It’s not that it sounds too cold or too formal, but it does sound tedious and inflexible. My husband and I talk about all those things all the time–not in a big, formal way, but when they come up, inspired by changes in our hearts, or simply by something one of us sees in a movie or a TV show or a book or between other people.
Early in our relationship, we had to have some Long Boring Talks, and every once in a while, we still need to, but for the most part we know where the other stands, what expectations they have, because we know each other, we talk all the time in short bursts, in the car, during commercials, before we fall asleep and while we are getting ready in the morning. When our hopes and dreams and fears and expectations shift, the other one knows it because all those things come up as they change. You shouldn’t stop once a year to make sure you still know each other–at that point it’s too late. You should make sure you still know each other all the time.
I’ve been married going on 13 years, and I’m 35 years old. I got married young, and had very different ideas of what marriage was at the time. So did my wife. But I was lucky that I did have some things right. I knew I wanted a family, kids, house, the whole deal. I do look out onto the “greener grass” of bachelorhood, and see some attractive lifestyles that I could probably been happy with. But at the same time, I’m proud of the couple we’ve managed to become, of my kids, and of the life we are carefully fostering and can look at in a long-term future-tense. It’s a lifestyle not meant for everyone, and I think society puts too much weight into it, but I do think the idea of marriage is important and healthy if approached right. The problem is, some people don’t know, unless they’ve tried!
Yes, that makes perfect sense. There has only been one person who made me feel that way. Unfortunately, she married someone who doesn’t have a clue. That doesn’t stop me for looking but I know what I want.
A good marriage consists of 2 people who want to share their lives together and can communicate that to each other. Enjoying what the other person brings to the table makes life more enriching for both Therefore, the whole is greater than the parts. Which I think is what you’re trying to say. No amount of money can buy that.
My timid and untrusting self is mostly from psychological experience. Almost everyone has baggage. Some are lighter than others. With time, I have learned to lighten mine - ok, so I have this big bottle of w(h)ine in my bag. It’s heavy but I dont want to get rid of it because it was so damned expensive & the bottle is nice to look at. Yeah, I know it’s old and rancid but… But what? Toss the damn thing out! Or at least empty the bottle to lighten the load - the juice isnt useful, now is it (unless you are really tryin to poison yourself)?
It’s hard to do that - but once you do it actually gets easier & lighter.
Someone wise once told me that she would remove herself or change the topic when her friends would start criticizing their SO’s to the others because she didnt want to contribute to the negativity. Smart woman.
I agree with Projammer on making it harder to get married. Divorce has become way too easy these days as well. Marriage - a contract? it’s one of the easiest contracts to get out of with no/little recourse. Expensive? Well, the do-it-yourself ones really arent that costly…
Of course I agree completely Manda JO. That’s what it means to have a relationship. But in addition to the relationship you also have a marriage, and I’m suggesting that it’s wise to make the terms of that marriage agreement explicit. That’s not about trying to know each other as much as knowing yourself.
For example Manda JO, do you and your husband have a clear understanding of how you would handle (God forbid) divorce? Is it clear enough to put it in writing and commit to it? If so, good for you, I think it’s unusual. I think it’s a very loving thing to do, it makes the future more secure.
When my marriage started to falter, I had a long conversation with my sister. She told me that she and her husband (of 25 years) don’t dare ask themselves if they’re really happy, they just move forward day by day. We can make it to the end of our journey either way, by examining our lives or by not. Life and love don’t come with guarantees, but the part of marriage that is an agreement should provide at least some articulation of the commitments that we’re making. Articulation that is strong enough that we can be held to our commitments, come what may.
