I didn’t ask her father for her hand in marriage. Rather I told him that I would be asking her. Asking seemed kind of hokey and I knew he would be thrilled at the idea. The way I told him gave him ample opportunity to protest. Luckily for me all went well.
I think my dad would have been pretty surprised if mr. genie had asked him. (“Er…why are you asking me? She doesn’t care what I think. Go ask her!”) We called up my parents at 2 am–my dad answered the phone. The following conversation ensued:
Me: Hi dad. I’m engaged.
Dad: Oh, that’s just fine. Who to?
Big comedian, my dad. Actually he says he was very relieved that I was smart enough to say yes to such a good guy.
Since my church’s weddings don’t have aisles or giving away, we didn’t do that either.
I didn’t even know that some people still asked a dad’s permission–when a school buddy told me that her bf was asking her dad, I was confused. They were, after all, living together, so it seemed a little late to ask anyone else’s opinion. I asked what would happen if he said no. Nothing apparently, so why ask at all if the answer is irrelevant?
I didn’t because we were a little older when we married, had lived together for awhile, was great friends with both her folks, knew they’d approve and was more concerned with keeping it a complete surprise to my honey.
I’ve always regretted that.
No matter what, at least in my situation, it would have been a nice touch to talk to her dad beforehand. I’ve told him as much since and he understands why I made my decision but I really really really wish I’d at down with him first. For the two of us, it’s a matter of respect.
Everybody’s situation is different but if the gesture is even considerable in your circumstances, it probably would be very well received.
As a courtesy, plain and simple.
When I called up my FIL to ask his “permission” to marry his daughter, it was just that: “permission” in quotes. The decision was hers, she’d already said yes, and this was just a formality. But there would have been hurt feelings if I’d skipped it.
We had already decided to get married, and I asked Mrs. Babe’s mother for permission. Her father had gone walking when she was about six, so there was no father in the picture. I already knew she liked me, so there was not a possibility of her disapproving.
The MIL cried, which is something I bet the husbands didn’t get for the FILs. She is old-fashioned in many ways. Her oldest daughter’s first marriage had been a trip to the courthouse and a phone call “Hey mom. We got married.” I think she felt kind of cheated by that.
Query: I wonder if the asking the bride’s father business had anything to do with the fact that he was probably going to pay for the wedding. I know that contains a lot of generalizations that may not be applicable now, but I think it was frequently true in the past. Given equal and sufficient wealth, the bride’s father usually got most of the bills.
I have a friend who recently became engaged. She’s a pretty hip, free-wheelin’ kinda gal, with an uber-cosmopolitain set of L.A. friends and so was surprised when she announced the news to them, and a number of them wanted to know if and when her fiance would ask her father for her hand.
I’m just a dirty little Kansas gal, but I think I made her feel better when I said that it never would have occurred to me to go about it that way! My darling dad is dead now, but Honey, with his little bad-boy sense of humor, I fear he’d have said NO, just to fuck with the fella. 
As for the whole “giving away” thing, I’ve always thought I’d NEVER do that. Not that it’s ever been an issue for me (in other words, never been engaged), but I mentioned it to my mom once (when my dad was alive), and she said that hell yes, my father WOULD be giving me away (and dared me to hurt his feelings by refusing). My sister got married two years ago, at which point my dad was long gone, and asked my mother to give her away.
My mother was appalled by this idea, and suggested a number of MALE relatives to stand in.
WTF??? I’d say if I “belong” to ANYBODY, it’s my mom and dad, and not some uncle or random cousin who happens to look good in a tux!
My mom ended up doing the job… but she was not comfortable with it.
When UncleBill and I were talking about our future plans, I told him I had given it some thought, and decided he should ask my eldest brother for my hand, since my father isn’t around to ask. I thought that, being a Southern gentleman and all, Bill would want to be sort of traditional, and besides, I thought it would amuse my brother. Sure, it’s not necessary nowadays, but I think it’s a nice touch.
But for the wedding, I won’t have anyone give me away. Our plan is to walk down the aisle together.
My wife and I were engaged for about 6 months before we told her Dad–he is an Orthodox Muslim and we were terrified that he might not appreciate a Hindu/Jewish/Mormon son-in-law. Finally I gathered up my courage (and got mom-in-law, who always loved me) and told her Dad that I was a respectable man who would support his daughter and that I would teach my kids about Islam and the Prophet Muhammed while still allowing them freedom to choose their own beliefs. He was satisfied. But man, I still remember that day–was sooooooo scared. Thank goodness it went okay. [wiping brow] Been married 1.5 years now. 
Mr. Stargazer asked my dad, at my request – before he proposed to me (that he proposed wasn’t a surprise; only the timing was). We were only 22 and still in college (which parents were paying for), and while we might have gone ahead with it if my parents had objected, an objection would certainly have given us pause. My parents are loving, reasonable people, and even though they didn’t own me any more than my husband does now, their opinion matters to us. It was mostly a formality, though, and a sort of “heads-up” to my parents. He told his beforehand, too.
My dad walked me down the aisle, too, and both sets of parents gave us to each other (“Who gives this man and this woman to be married to each other?” “We do!”)
My mom, now… when she got married, she was 27, which apparently was on the old side then. She and my dad were honestly just friends until the day my dad proposed – they had never even held hands. Her parents were coming to visit and see her new apartment, and my dad was to meet my future grandfather at my mom’s place to ask for her hand, while my mom picked my gramma up at the airport. My dad and grampa were sitting at my mom’s kitchen table, and my dad asked for my mom’s hand. My grampa just about jumped over the table at him, shouted “Yes!” and grabbed his hand and started shaking it vigorously.
That’s one of our family’s favorite stories.
I asked her dad, but after I’d asked her and gotten her “yes”.
It is, to me at least, a simple courtesy to ask for the father’s BLESSING (or atheist appropriate equivilent), but not his PERMISSION. There’s a vital but important difference between the two.
Of course, her dad said, “Since she’s said ‘yes’, I’m not gonna say ‘no’. I guess you’ll do for a son-in-law” This after having dated his daughter and cohabitated with her for years.
I asked for my girlfriend’s hand two months ago. A few days before, I approached her father in an attempt to be respectful to him.
Long story short: My future father-in-law isn’t the chatty type. The most I got from him was a reluctant “Well, she’s got a good head on her shoulders, so I’m sure she’ll make the right decision.”
I took that as permission to ask. “Dad” and I are getting along just fine and he’s adjusted to the shock of “losing” his favorite daughter.
We were too old for that kinda thing, plus her father was already passed away. We paid for the entire wedding ourselves, too.
I might be too old for that sort of thing, and we are paying for the wedding ourselves, but Rick did–sort of–ask for my mom’s blessing. On his third proposal (the first was on the phone, the second in person in England), he gave me the ring my mom had just given him and asked something like, “if your mum doesn’t object.” I thought it was charming and my mom loved it.