Married people aren't allowed to have single friends? bwuh?

In My Humble Opinion
21

It depends not just on the relationship, but on the context of the friendship. One of my best friends is a single guy, but he’s also much younger than I, and the relationship is very much a big sister/little brother, mentor/mentee kind of thing: I give him advice and talk about life, he’s the one that shares his feelings and anxieties and hopes and dreams and such. And we play a lot of cards in groups. So sexual undertones don’t really have anywhere to take root. I would not spend as much time with someone I could see as a potential mate. I also tend to think friendships that are about something specific are less potentially harmful than ones that start with a broader base: i.e., gaming buddies or running buddies or birdwatching buddies are less problematic than someone you have all sorts of things in common with.

There are lines of intimacy I don’t think you should cross with a member of the opposite sex/preferred sex. YMMV, but to me if you are sharing more of your hopes and dreams and fears with that person than with your spouse, you have a problem. If you start comparing them to your spouse in your mind, you have a problem. If they know you better than your spouse, you have a problem. Anyone in any relationship has the responsibility to look out for these signs, and if you see them developing, cut off or greatly limit contact with that person–or at least accept what’s happening and deal with it in some way. (There are obviously short-term exceptions to this: your single friend gets cancer or arrested or something, they may eat up more of your time for a while. But it shouldn’t be the status quo)

22

Guest of honor here. :slight_smile:
Ever since I have been married, I have had my friends, my wife has had her friends, and we have our friends. ::: Shrug::: it seems to work for us. And it has worked for us for the last 35 years come next month. My wife doesn’t have much interest in meeting or hanging out with my “internet buddies” as she calls you guys.

If I was going to stray, when I was traveling 26 weeks a year would have been the perfect time. Hell I was gone just as much as I was home. Yet I didn’t.

My best friend in the whole wide world (wife excepted) is the very first girl I made love to back in high school. We talk at least weekly. When she got married in 2006 she asked me to give her away at her wedding. I was proud to be asked to preform this duty (It also gave me a chance to have a Princess Bride moment, I told people I was no one of consequence) She is friends with both my wife and myself, and has gone on vacation with us. Great lady.

I just got a call while typing this from the wife of one of my former students up in Seattle. When I would teach up there, they had me over for dinner so often she started referring to herself as my Seattle wife. It caught on, and my wife just asked me who I was talking to and I said my Seattle wife. My wife said to tell her Hi.

When it comes to useless super powers I have one. I have the ability to make a woman want to be my friend. Not lover, but friend. Yup I can get on the friends ladder faster than anyone you have ever seen. All I can say is thank OG I’m not single. I’m OK with this. As a result of this super power, I have some great friends of the female persuasion.

I find Silver Tyger Girl to be a fun interesting person to be around. Just like very other doper I have meet in real life. What i don’t understand is why would I want to limit my friendship circle to half of the available people?

23

[QUOTE=lobotomyboy63]
E.g. if you’re a couple with a kid in tee ball, you meet all the others who are in the same boat and that becomes your circle of friends.
[/QUOTE]

Nah, those people become your circle of acquaintances. They are the co-workers of the parenting world. Some acquaintances can become friends, but the tee ball world is not a great place to find a lot of common ground with a lot of people. All you have in common is children of a similar age who, for whatever reason, are playing tee ball this year…for six weeks.

24

[QUOTE=Silver Tyger Girl]
I quizzed her, and apparently people in a relationship aren’t allowed to have any single friends of a sex they’re interested in (so gay guys can’t have male friends, bisexuals can’t have any friends, etc)

What do you all think of this? It’s utterly ridiculous, right? (And for the record, it’s not that she’s had any sort of trouble with my dad. He’s got less friends than she does. I have no idea where she got this idea.)
[/QUOTE]

:rolleyes: If you find out, let me know, please. This paranoid hypersexual BS has pissed me off for at least 25 years now.

I like men. As people, not as randomly fuckable penises. **Giant Freakin Marine ** likes women, as people rather than randomly fuckable vaginas. I like women, and he likes men, again regardless of their respective naughty bits I feel sorry for people who think that people are the total sum of sexuality. GFM has made new straight female and new gay male friends, and I have made new straight male and lesbian female friends since we’ve been together. I think we’ve both met them all, but maybe not.

[semi-off-topic anecdote] My usually very repressivley uptight mother told hubby #1 and #2, after I chose two boys as my “mister-of-honor” and “brides-mister” that “if either of the Steves were a threat, you wouldn’t be here. She picked you as husband, them as friends. Think about it.” Ex’s didn’t, but GFM didn’t have to, which has a great deal to do with why I divorced 1&2 fairly quickly, and am still very happily married to GFM after 13 years. [/end ancedote]

BTW – I’ve met Rick. He’s male, funny, interesting, smart, cute and charming, but he is soooo not on the prowl. The dude acts “taken” even while watching you lick your lips over the bacon salt mushrooms cream cheese-jalapeno-shrimp hamburger pasta salady goodness.

If your SO, and his, are okay with it, then it is none of Mommy’s business. Like some one else said, good luck with that.

25

I’m a single male and have two very close married female friends. I’ve known them both since before they’d even met their husbands. I’ve not been physically intimate with either of them, but we shared a very close emotional intimacy as I helped each through some very difficult times. I’d also be lying if I said I was never attracted to them.

Both their current spouses did not like me when they started dating my friends because they saw our closeness as a threat. Eventually they got over this as the relationship progressed. However I also made it a point to befriend them. We don’t go out and do stuff together, but I do make it a point to talk with them and I’ll even spend the most of evening with them over my friend if say the husband is outside grilling and my friend is inside doing other cooking.

I also try to limit circumstances that look bad. For example one of my friends will invite me over to her house to watch TV sometimes. I usually beg off unless her husband is home because this just seems to look bad to me especially because this is usually at night and her husband works nights.

I am still very close to both of them though. I’m “Uncle” Caveat to their kids and I’m the godfather to one friend’s daughter. So overall I don’t see any problem with it as long as it is not hurting the marriage and those involved are careful to make sure it stays friends.

26

I, personally, would limit the amount of time spent alone with another man if I was married, and I would not want my husband to be hanging out very muchwith some young chick without me. Liberal and open-minded in many ways, I’m surprisingly conservative when it comes to relationships. But that’s just me. I see nothing wrong with people doing whatever they want if everyone’s cool with it, no matter what the situation. I just wouldn’t be cool with it.

27

[QUOTE=Alice The Goon]
I, personally, would limit the amount of time spent alone with another man if I was married, and I would not want my husband to be hanging out very muchwith some young chick without me. Liberal and open-minded in many ways, I’m surprisingly conservative when it comes to relationships. But that’s just me. I see nothing wrong with people doing whatever they want if everyone’s cool with it, no matter what the situation. I just wouldn’t be cool with it.
[/QUOTE]

I think Alice hits on a golden rule here: what if your SO did the same thing?

Some years ago, I was divorced and I knew a married woman. She’d call and talk on the phone for long periods of time (if I indulged her). At one point she said her husband was jealous. I put the shoe on the other foot: “If he were talking to a female friend for hours, how would you feel?” The long calls stopped coming.

28

CAN a married person have friends of the opposite sex, and can it be perfectly innocent? Sure. My wife occasionally has lunch with her old high school boyfriend (we’re both 47 now), and I don’t think twice about it. If someone told me I ought to be jealous, I’d laugh.

MAYBE the OP’s relationship with Rick is equally harmless. If so, she shouldn’t worry what anyone else thinks.

BUT…

I’ve also known “friends” who insisted to others (and themselves, probably) that their relationship was strictly platonic, but who wound up in bed together, wrecking marriages in the process.

Thing is, everyone AROUND them could see what was happening, but they couldn’t or wouldn’t.

I don’t know the OP or her friend, so I make no judgments. I merely suggest that she ask herself three questions, and that she be VERY honest with herself:

  1. Does she have ANY sexual/romantic thoughts about Rick?

  2. Does HE have any for her (even if he tries to pass it off as a joke)?

  3. Have any other friends perceived something “wrong” in the relationship?

If the answers are no, no and no, go ahead and have fun.

29

I love when a thread gets my attention and then I discover I’ve been mentioned within.

Silver Tyger Girl, I don’t know if you know that I’ve started threads with almost the exact same point previously. My wife has no problem with me having friends of the opposite sex, single or otherwise. She and I both are people who have always gotten along better with folks of the opposite sex for whatever reason, and I’m a fairly social guy. So when I want to do things that she isn’t particularly interested in (read: anything having to do with baseball or bowling), it’s always with a friend, and those friends are usually women. Some of them are single.

My wife and I have been happily married for over nine years, and the formula hasn’t changed. And for those wondering, although my wife isn’t nearly as socially outgoing as I am, she does have male (some single) friends with whom she occasionally spends time alone. I have zero problem with this.

As others have said, yes, of course, this varies from couple to couple. But as long as the couple is in sync with what’s OK between them, who is anyone else to tell them otherwise?

P.S. - STG, I promise that once I get done with this stupid trial, we will go bowling and/or do sushi.

30

[QUOTE=Asimovian]
P.S. - STG, I promise that once I get done with this stupid trial, we will go bowling and/or do sushi.
[/QUOTE]

Hmm, sushi. I’m always up for that. (shamelessly invites himself) :smiley:

31

[QUOTE=Antinor01]
Hmm, sushi. I’m always up for that. (shamelessly invites himself) :smiley:
[/QUOTE]
Dammit, Antinor01 – can’t you see that I’m secretly trying to get STG all alone so I can hit on her? Don’t ruin this for me! :mad: :smiley:

32

[QUOTE=Asimovian]
Dammit, Antinor01 – can’t you see that I’m secretly trying to get STG all alone so I can hit on her? Don’t ruin this for me! :mad: :smiley:
[/QUOTE]

Which is why you need a chaperone. That’s the ticket!

33

[QUOTE=Silver Tyger Girl]
<snip>I figure it’s his problem if she’s jealous<snip>
[/QUOTE]

One of the important points about having single preferred sex friends for married people is that they must be friends of the marriage. You might want to rethink this statement in that light.

Just yesterday I was reading about emotional infidelity; here’s what a couple of authors had to say about it: From Shirley Glass’ book "NOT “Just Friends”: “Chemistry plus exclusivity equals an affair.” From the book I’m currently reading (“How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It”): “If you are spending time alone with someone you are attracted to for the sole purpose of getting to know this person or because it is enjoyable, you are playing with fire.” Do I think married people can’t have single friends? No, but you do have to be careful with it - there are boundaries whether people like it or not. Caveat Lector and astorian have given some very good advice on these points.

You might also want to keep in mind that you’re getting advice from a whole lot of people who have had failed marriages here.

34

[QUOTE=featherlou]
You might also want to keep in mind that you’re getting advice from a whole lot of people who have had failed marriages here.
[/QUOTE]
I know you mean well, and I generally respect your opinion, but that comment strikes me as being incredibly inappropriate and unnecessary.

Maybe I’m just tired.

ETA: It occurs to me that you could have meant that on either side of the issue, and if so, I apologize and retract my statement.

35

[QUOTE=Antinor01]
Hmm, sushi. I’m always up for that. (shamelessly invites himself) :smiley:
[/QUOTE]

What did somebody say Dopefest? (Sorry :p!)

The dude and I both have single friends, he more than me. Usually they come around for beer and grilling night, esp. this time of the year. We went to Cancun with another one of his single friends. They went out clubbing and I moseyed down to the beach with a margarita and a Cohiba. I like a little more solitude and he’s more of a party guy; I’d rather send him out with a friend than have to subject myself to UNCE-UNCE-UNCE music and obnoxious people all night! We’d both be miserable if we didn’t do our own thing once in a while.

36

[QUOTE=Asimovian]

Dammit, Antinor01 – can’t you see that I’m secretly trying to get STG all alone so I can hit on her? Don’t ruin this for me! :mad: :smiley:
[/QUOTE]

Dude, what you missing is Antinor is trying to get you on a date, so he can hit on you.
:smiley: :wink: :smiley:
But if he is coming along, I’m up for it also. (He isn’t the only one that can shamelessly invite himself in)

37

[QUOTE=MadPansy64]
BTW – I’ve met Rick. He’s male, funny, interesting, smart, cute and charming, but he is soooo not on the prowl. The dude acts “taken” even while watching you lick your lips over the bacon salt mushrooms cream cheese-jalapeno-shrimp hamburger pasta salady goodness.
[/QUOTE]
Awww, you say the nicest things. Anyway, I would never be on the prowl around you, your husband is 5 foot 19 inches tall. :eek: :smiley: I would be in fear of my life.

Thanks, you and GFM are way cool people yourselves.

featherlou I am about 5 weeks shy of being 35 years into my first marriage. While I make no claims of being any less clueless than the average guy, I think I can make a pretty good argument tht I know what works in my marriage.

If I was on the prowl I would rate my chances of having sex with Silver Tyger Girl as being just slightly better than my chances with Angelina Jolie, and slightly worse than my chances with Kyrstin Dunst. Hell I might as well put STG on my Laminated List. In other words if I was on the prowl I would have two chances with STG: Slim and none. And Slim just left town. :smiley:

38

[QUOTE=Rick]
I just got a call while typing this from the wife of one of my former students up in Seattle. When I would teach up there, they had me over for dinner so often she started referring to herself as my Seattle wife. It caught on, and my wife just asked me who I was talking to and I said my Seattle wife. My wife said to tell her Hi.
[/QUOTE]
Still get to Seattle? We’re still doing trivia, y’know. Stop in any Tuesday.

As to the thread topic, I think I fit the “grandfathered” category, in that any woman I was friends with before meeting my wife is OK for hanging out with under just about any circumstances. As for single women I’ve met more recently (co-workers and ex-co-workers, mostly), contact is mostly limited to weekday breakfasting or lunching. We didn’t negotiate this or anything, but that’s how it’s worked out.

39

[QUOTE=dangermom]

Plenty of people don’t mean to let it get beyond friends. But they get into hot water before they really realize what they’re doing, and by that time they’re headed straight for an affair and breaking it off takes more self-control than they’ve got. It happens all the time. People are fallible human beings with feet of clay, that’s just how it is.
[/QUOTE]

See, I think this kind of hits it on the head. I think you gotta be kind of careful when you’re talking about a friendship between (straight) people of the opposite sex. That doesn’t mean that it’s impossible for a married person to be friends with someone of the opposite sex. But it does mean that there is a risk.

Life is unpredictable. People feel one way today, and then they feel some other way a week from now. It’s hard to say how you’re going to feel or what you’re going to do. And things can kind of sneak up on you. That’s why the cliche is “we never meant for this to happen, it just kind of … happened.”

One way to avoid getting in a bad spot is avoiding certain types of temptation.

40

Doesn’t anyone have a friend who’s the opposite sex who they’re just not attracted to? One of my best friends is a guy-- I’ve known him since we were teenagers, and we were roommates a couple of years. Any attraction that may have existed died an inglorious death long ago, possibly during one of the times I cleaned up his vomit from the bathroom floor. He’s a great guy, but he’s like my little brother-- and hooking up is about as appealing as hooking up with my brother.

My relationship with him must look awful to strangers, though.

He actually came over and hung out with me the night before my wedding, when my husband had gone to hang out with his boys. My husband didn’t want to dance much at the wedding, but my friend and I both know how to waltz, and he was slinging me around the dance floor quite a bit (he was also slinging my Mom around, too). My only saving grace is that people tend to think he’s gay (he’s not, just very, very metro).

He doesn’t bother my husband at all. They’re good friends now (lately I’ve been swamped with work and he and my husband have been off hanging out on their own)

He is the exception, though, I admit. I am careful with boundaries with other men, just for my own sake. I’m good friends with my (male) boss. He’s going through a rough divorce, and it made me sad that I couldn’t take him out for a beer like I would a girl friend-- but I felt that was way out of my comfort zone. I can tell where the bad juju is (or could be). There ain’t no kind of juju at all with my friend.