No, you foreigners don’t know who Matti Nykänen is. Finns know only too well. Matti Nykänen is the most useless, sad celebrity in Finland and quite possibly in the world.
Once, Matti was a good (great) ski-jumper and a national hero. He won 4 gold metals in Olympics and numerous other awards in other championships. Then he started going downhill. Steeply downhill. And no, there hasn’t been a ramp yet.
Here are some of his career "high"lights, taken from here:
- marrying/divorcing/re-marrying/divorcing his wife Sari Paanala
- marrying/divorcing some other lady in between
- changing his surname 2 times
- confessing to being an alcoholic
- falling asleep at the wheel and driving off a bridge
- attempting to return to ski-jumping, failing miserably due to his lousy skill in V style
- suffering a heart attack
- trying out his wings as a pop vocalist while possessing no singing talent, releasing two albums
- recording a third album, which was (fortunately) never released
- venturing into politics, resigning from the city council after attending 1½ meetings
- planning to open a restaurant in Helsinki
- working as a male stripper
- posing for a hardcore porn magazine
- getting engaged to a 17-year-old Estonian girl and weaseling out of the whole deal a week later
- selling his vast collection of medals for a ridiculously cheap price, getting them back afterwards
- getting into a relationship with a rich heiress, subsequently breaking up and trying to get back together again
- drunk driving
- finding god
- beating up a female stranger, in public, without provocation
- drunk driving again
- committing himself into a mental institution
- facing 4 charges of assault and battery against his fiancee (the aforementioned heiress)
- hiding from the police who have issued a warrant for his arrest
- giving interviews from his secret hideout
- proclaiming on TV that he is the greatest ski jumper of all time, and nobody is going to beat him in the foreseeable future
- getting married once again to the heiress he has beaten up several times, and having a bachelor party with “celebrity” guests including Henry Saari. (“Henry the Great” is a famous Finnish porn star.)
- once again beating up his missus, after learning she had filed for a divorce (I bet you didn’t see that one coming!)
- Getting his own brand of cider. I’m not kidding. Only in Finland would they use a wife-beating drunk to sell cider. The bottle even comes with a famous quote from Matti, “Elämä on laiffii”.
- showing no signs of any originality by once more engaging into some good old wife-battering fun. probably due to drinking a bit too much of that sweet, sweet Matti-Cider.
- returning to music business by recording a new single “Elämä On Laiffii” and a forthcoming album
- Breaking up with his wife after getting a restraining order, then getting back together with here. Repeat approximately 10 times. Really.
- planning to move to Spain
As you can guess, Matti is a regular tabloid fodder.
But now. Today. The magazines have headlines - “MATTI NYKÄNEN STABS HIS WIFE!”
Yes. Stabs. With a knife. Apparently, beating them is no longer enough for our national loser ass-bastard fuckhead. The wife (who clearly had a black eye in the pictures) was shown pointing at the wound and declaring that she loves Matti and “he’s a nice man when he’s sober”. Unbelievable.
Matti Nykänen. Finland’s Michael Jackson, except drunken and violent. And I’m not being fair at all to Michael Jackson here, really.