Men and sex

The general characterization of hetero male sexuality has always been a problem for me. Sufficiently foreign to my experience that back when I was a virgin I did indeed wonder if maybe I were gay (not that I found guys desirable but more in the spirit of “that’s all that’s left for guys like you who aren’t wired up right”), and also explored the possibility that I was transgendered. (And if I’d realized that there were people born male who obtained M2F surgery and subsequently identified as lesbians, that might have gotten more serious consideration, although I never really had a problem with the male bod itself).

The funny thing is, it’s not the explicit general description “attracted to damn near anything that’s female, and on very superficial grounds” that’s so far off.

Let’s say I’m coming up the steps from the subway and heading for work. Ooh, deliciously shaped persons ahead, two women there by the ticket machine. Mmmm, three more, a pair descending the stairs and another in front of me, yummy. By the time I get to work I’ve had this kind of experience maybe, I dunno, 15, 20, 30 times. World is positively full of very very appetizing female people.

OK, now I might not be specifically in the mood for sex right now (although I’m negotiable :))…but meanwhile let’s not make too fine a distinction either — when I am ready and fully in the mood and interested, any of these folks will do. I’m no prude: superficial appearance of that much salivationality is entirely sufficient reason to say “yes” to them.

And there lies the point of departure between me and the “men and sex” social legend.

If, hypothetically speaking, the world were such that, whenever I was in the mood, I could just step outside and walk around until I see one of those 20-every-three-minutes entirely-delicious women who are everywhere I go, catch her eye, say “Ummmm…you straight?”, and at least 50% of the time end up with the two of us hustling off to find somewhere to make out, well, that would work fine. Especially if I were being approached with similar interest a few times per week.

Instead, I live in a world where both legend and experience says women have a surplus of men who would be interested in sexing with them on the basis of “you look yummy” combined with a relative dearth of interest in casual sexing — whether it be because they’re wired more for needing deeper emotional connectedness or because any person who could pretty much have all the casual sex they want tends to become more picky about the person they’ll do it with or because the doublestandard has intimidated them away from overt slutification, or perhaps a combo of the three. So me finding any given one of those 15, 20, 30 women sexually attractive enough to bed is nothing special for her, and not likely to be reciprocated.

Therefore the experience I would have were I to come on as described to the next attractive woman I see would most likely not be pleasant. The “men and sex” legend says that what I do instead is mount a clever and complicated campaign to impress, amuse, fascinate, and seduce one of them. But…waitaminute…me finding any given one of those 15, 20, 30 women sexually attractive enough to bed is nothing special for me, either! Damn, if it’s going to involve actually interacting as a person, personalities, all that stuff, the fact that any given female is erotica personified to the glance completely fails to distinguish her from a very large pool of such deliciously-shaped people, and it’s completely irrelevant to whether or not she’s a likeable person or we’d hit it off, etc etc.

So why in the world would me having my eyeballs wired to my dick in any way lead me to mount any such campaign?

I’m simultaneously shy and a bit of a snob. Not the money or social-class kind of snob, or even an intellectual snob in the sense of IQ or education, just that I have a head full of thoughts and values and opinions which aren’t common run-of-the-mill default belief-system shit, and if I’m going to commune with people we’ve got to have stuff in common which means you can’t be too common, know what I mean? So even if I didn’t live in the world where women keep encountering these other guys doing this campaign thing, trying to pick them up, etc., I wouldn’t be very aggressive at the get-to-know-new-people thing. Add that element into the mix and heck no. So totally not happening. (And I just don’t grok my own gender, I don’t understand why my gut-level reaction isn’t shared by most other straight guys).

Probably more than anyone really wanted to know. Whatever.

This thread makes me want to fuck.

Considering that one of *my * life goals is destroying the stereotype that all women have lower sex drives than men, and just do it to please their men and/or get something, I sympathize with you, Eonwe.

To summarize:

Men can have really high sex drives and want sex all the time. Or not.

Women can have really high sex drives and want sex all the time. Or not.

It’s very simple, people!

I really wish I met more of these in my single days. Or maybe I did, and the answer was simply “Just not with you!” Probably the latter.

Isn’t it kind of oxymoronic to have a high sex drive and not want sex?

I’m 24, and I’m still, well, viriginal.

Thus far, it doesn’t seem to be a problem. I admit, I’d kinda like to have a permanent relationship (and everything which goes with it) but I don’t actually know if I will, ever. I haven never really been friends with a lass who interested me in that manner.*

I actually considered the preisthood (years and years ago, and reconsidered at times), but I think I’m just not cut out for that kind of life. I think living alone will bring out the worst of my personality, and I don’t want to hurt other people.
There are some who interest me intelectually, but for the love of Pete, I am not making love to a fat chick.* I don’t care if it’s overeating, a bloody freackin’ hormonal problem, or an evil gypsy curse, the very thought makes me feel physically sick. There are also others who are nice and all but don’t remotely interest me romantically.

Fat, not “a bit overweight,” muscular, tall, or just big. Fat.

Nicely put.

You mean it’s not?

Oh crap - I’ve wasted my life…


Hmm, could be, but I’d always thought it was defined by the size of one’s penis.

At least, that’s been my experience. Certainly explains the insecurity most men seem to have and their need for constant reassurance that they’re adequate.

Seriously though, take consolation Eonwe in that you’re not alone. In fact, I’d say that we men who agree with you are far less in the minority than it might outwardly appear. My opinion is that those that subscribe to that philosophy are just far more vocal about it, in part to assert themselves in their own skewed view of a social heirarchy and in part to convince themselves that they aren’t really just superficial, brainwashed dolts with no substance or depth.

I feel exactly the same way about everything you said. Except I’ve got you beat - I was 29 the last time I had sex. I’m 39 now :frowning: However, I’m hampered a bit by being a spanko. I want a spanko partner, but she’s hard to find. For one thing, it’s a subject that has to be brought up very carefully. I absolutely wouldn’t force my kink on a woman, and I don’t want a woman who just “goes along with it” to make me happy. I want a woman who enjoys it the same way I do, so I’ll wait. I could resign myself to plain vanilla sex, but I would end up unfullfilled and unhappy.

Actually, I want to thank you for that post. This might be a little mushy for the Pit, but that was really an interesting look into your head and I appreciate you taking the time to share it. You’re a damn good writer, and I can’t let a word like “salivationality” pass by without comment.

God, man, do I ever.

Yeah, I got the “are you sure you’re not gay” from a girl. I hadn’t actually expected to be back in bed with her having my clothes pulled off, that’s for sure :eek:

I had this great post all written up, rebutting and concuring, debating and what not but when it came time to post it, I realized it was time for me to go put my dick into something female. So this is all your getting out of me, unless you are female and moving in which case I have something else for you.

Well, no as **D_Odds ** says, I might just not want any with you.
Er…nothing personal, of course.

Oh, no offense taken. It would be your loss anyway. :wink:

(That really was a statement of pure humor and irony.)

Now, I applaud any effot to readjust the estimation of maleness in such a way as to not directly correlate it with the number of notches in your bedpost. But let’s face it: The healthy male needs to get his rocks off once in a while. On a good day, some teens might be in a better state of mind if they had an hourly orgasm. There were days in my late teens and twenties when I could not concentrate on more weighty matters unless I’d had some sort of sexual relief. We are fortunate if we have a willing collaborator in this necessary activity, but if not, we simply must take matters into our own hands. Inevitably, this calms down quite a bit as we enter our 30s. Well into our 40s or 50s, I hear of some men wistfully recalling the days they could hit the ceiling two or three times a night, who now barely can manage a splatter above their waistline in one cycle of the moon. The force driving this is testosterone. Man or woman, the more you have, the hornier you are. And men have got it coming out of our ears.

So take it easy on us. It can be frustrating. To quote Dennis Miller in better days, you ladies want to fuck, but we need to fuck. That Lysistrata stuff? That shit would work. And guys: Don’t be ashamed if you aren’t getting any. However, if you don’t even want to get any, something may be wrong. Seriously. You may be depressed or suffering some other mild affliction, and it might not be a bad idea to get a physical and an age-appropriate evaluation. They call it a “healthy” sex drive for a reason.

I’d just like to say one of the few points of minor contention in my marriage is that my wife has a much higher sex drive than me, and I’d really rather be cuddling while reading a good book or something.

I know you’re kidding, but seriously, this was a big problem for me for a while. I had a high sex drive, but I wasn’t dating anyone, wasn’t interested in dating, and didn’t feel like sleeping around (much). I hated being horny all the time. It was a distraction and an annoyance. After a while, “mind over matter” kicked in and my libido took a nose dive. I was worried at first, but I found I could get it back if I wanted to. So now I have a generally low libido that kicks in to high gear when I have a boyfriend or other specific object of affection. Actually, one of the problems my last boyfriend and I had was that I was hornier than he was. Go figure.

No argument.

In the same way, we can point out that women can be interested in shopping, and owning many pairs of shoes. Or not.

But it’s also fair to say that if we pick one hundred adult Americans who are fairly described as interested in shopping and own more than the median number of pairs of shoes, the majority of those one hundred will be women.

It’s equally fair to say that if we line up all adult Americans in order of expressed sex drive, the ones standing on the high side of the median line will be predominantly male and the ones standing on the low side of the median line will be predominantly female.

So – as a general observation, it has some value. The moment you try to apply the observation to a single specific person, it loses any value it had.

“No, I’m not gay. But I’m not drunk anymore, and you’re ugly.”

I don’t think that the fact that you are physically repulsed by fat people is relevant to this thread. Perhaps you should start a new one?