My husband and I have discussed the change thing and I think we’ve followed Mark Twain’s words to a t (or tee or tea, whatever the expression is). When we were first dating, I was on my best behavior, didn’t argue, didn’t get mad, let him have his own way, was afraid to make criticisms or suggestions for fear of driving him away. Meanwhile, he was a bit of a bumbler and goof which I thought meant he was nervous, insecure, not used to being in a relationship.
But as the relationship progressed, I became comfortable enough around him to know what I could get away with in the suggesting/criticizing/nagging department and to want my opinion and feelings to be acknowledged. So, to him, I “changed.” And he lets me know this often. Meanwhile, guess what, he really is a goof Either that or, after almost 4 years, I still scare him.
Anyway, maybe (this is just a maybe) women want to make a good first impression before letting the “real” person show through, while men let it all hang out from the beginning.
“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy
I’m glad that there is finally a feminist message being absorbed by women. Don’t get me wrong. In fact, the nice thing is that there’s been more progress than could have been predicted in the 1970’s. Do doubt that there are many, many teenage girls that are raised to be feminists. Yesterday, while giving a presentation on college to some junior high kids, there was actual outrage that many schools did not admit women until the 1960’s. No one could be happier to see these girls resisting the predominant message that they are not as smart as the opposite sex.
That being said, it is almost impossible for women growing up now to resist the message that if you do not subdue your natural talents and submit to the better judgement of men, then you will never fit into society. Imagine if you will that you were constantly under the threat that being more outstanding than the boys would mean that you would never ever get a date. It seems trite, but that’s exactly how I grew up here in Texas. And I had to decide that I would rather be myself and never have a boyfriend and be abused constantly. I was called a lesbian and otherwise sexually harrassed throughout my teenage years. All because I actually would compete academically.
Now I am out of that enviroment and in a more liberal area of Texas. But I will never say that I just shook off the fear that I was essentially unfeminine and therefore unlovable-it was and is a difficult process. And I have the benefit of widespread feminist attitudes.
So I can imagine what it must be like for the middle-aged women of the 1990’s-the very ones accused of being so changeable. When they were growing up, the message that good girls don’t do (list various life-affirming actions here) was even more prevalent. For example, my mother worked and my father supported her. But she grew up with my grandfather, who said that no wife of his would be getting a job. Middle age combined with the feminist sensibility of the 1990’s-poof! changing women. And you will never convince me that a man has a real understanding of how very difficult it can be to deal with the direct competition between your personality and what most of the people around you try to force you to do.
I was with you up to that last sexist sentence. It is insulting as well as naive to suggest that women experience this conflict between their desires and what society touts, and men do not. *Both[i/] sexes experience this, albeit often in different ways. In some ways I think men experience it MORE. The reason men experience this conflict more is that men seem to be less concerned, in general, with the definitions others seek to put on them. The pressures HAVE to be greater to socialize men. Women are VERY concerned with what others think of them, in general, and come to a full awareness of the conflict this creates later in life, I think. At that point they are put in the position of “changing” in the sense used in this thread, or continuing to shape themselves to what those around them want. Naturally, and appropriately, most choose to change.
Men go through this too at some point, though, don’t kid yourself.
I’m getting off on a tangent myself here, but:
Since women are so flexible, do they make better managers? How many would prefer a woman to a man as a boss?That is, if you knew nothing else about the person, or very little.
I think that I’d rather work for a woman. I’m a woman, and most of my bosses have been women, so it’s probably just a familiarity thing. I have worked for a few men, though, and really, there are only a few personality types among bosses, the backstabber, the goof-off, the general, the “let’s be buddies,” the bleeding idiot, and I’ve found men and women can share them equally.
“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy
How about the “bureaucrat”: Your idea sounds fine, but I’ll have to put it into next year’s budget.
I’ve had one male bureaucrat, but have observed several female bureaucrats who were other coworkers’ bosses.
But I have to say that a cute boss of the opposite sex totally sucks, because most organizations don’t allow that sort of fraternization. “You can sleep with your boss OR you can keep your job - you choose”.
From the bosses’ side: “You can have a bed partner OR a qualified, efficient worker - you choose.” Either way, you’d feel a bit insulted.
It’s not so bad when you are married, and she is married. Since you couldn’t sleep with her anyway, her being cute is just a pleasant bonus (Hey, boss, you reading this?).
I apologize for my inexactness, by the way. I didn’t mean to imply that men do not get socialized. I was just resenting being told by a man what women think.
As usual, I’m gonna piss everyone off, but I have worked for four female bosses and two male (one of the males was gay, if that means anything), and both of the males were much more straightforward than any of the females. They told you what you had to do and what was expected of you straight out. The females always beat around the bush and never made anything very clear. “Would you mind…?”, “Is it all right…?”, “Could you…?” If it’s an order, give me an order. If it’s not, don’t pussyfoot around it, because we all know that I don’t get paid enough to do anything that isn’t an order.
Either that or, after almost 4 years, I still scare him.