Traditionally this is not true. In Latino culture this is their “debut”, and the signal that she is now a woman. She is supposed to use this money to towards her adult obligations*. Now of course, in reality, who knows. Our area has a large latin influence and the quinceañera can be quite elaborate affairs.
*These obligations could, of course, be to offset the cost the family laid out to put on the party
Chinese weddings, too. When I was at a family member’s wedding, I was appalled to see them sit down the next day and count out the cash and gifts and try and calculate how much they “made”.
I guess I’m way too Americanized because they do this in Indian weddings too.
As someone who has attended those as a 15-year-old, at least the ones I went I just gave a gift to the birthday girl, same as in other parties. Perhaps in my culture (Puerto Rico) they are elaborate, but do not carry such ceremony and baggage as in other places. Really, it is just a big fancy party, while other birthdays are more subdued. It wouldn’t have occurred to me or my parents to bring money as a present. Only relatives give me money as gifts.
And while I got money for presents, if the party is elaborate enough, the money again may not go to her, but to the family to offset the costs. Personally, I’d ask the parent what is the girl interested in, and buy accordingly. It would still be a secret, since I doubt the parent will tell the girl “Hey, someone from work will get you X for a gift”.
shrug My wife and I totted up the cash and cheques we got after our wedding. Shopkeepers tend to look at you all frowny-like when they tell you the total and you dump a pile of cash on the counter and tell them to figure it out. 
I think the point is not counting up the gift totals, but being excited that they “made money” on the event. That the event wasn’t enough all by itself- that it needed to have a net positive income.
Well, that’s nice of you. All of my Bat Mitzvah money went to a college fund, minus $100 “fun money” for me. You could argue over whether that decision benefitted me / my parents / both, but I wasn’t allowed to spend it on whatever. I don’t think its all that unusual for parents to place restrictions on large sums received by children. Hopefully for their benefit, but not necessarily.
How awful it must have been for you, having money for college. 
Placing restrictions on money vs the money going TO the parents are different. I’m not sure why the snarky tone (unless I’m misreading your point here)- I was simply giving another perspective of might happen to a cash gift after someone said the cash would go to the parents. And for the record, my kids haven’t been allowed to touch the balance in the bank. Saving the money for the kids education is a reasonable thing. We would have bought them laptops for school, so I guess it saved us money if you’re going to look at it like that.
I think you are misreading my tone and my point. 
. Some said that if you give cash, the cash COULD go to the parents, so if you want the gift to go directly to the birthday kid, give them a non-cash gift. Another poster said the money WOULD go to the parents, reiterating the same advice (give a noncash gift if you want to be certain, blah blah). Your reply, that YOU allowed your kids to “have” the money was basically nonresponsive to that point: the idea that cash gifts will be controlled by parents for good or ill.
It actually supported it, since as it turns out, you did exert control over the funds, and “permitted” your children to buy themselves something you would have bought them anyway.
To be clear, I DON’T Think there’s anything wrong with that (nor do I have any problem at all with my parents restrictions) but you did use their money to “save yourself” a cost you had previously anticipated spending out of your own funds. And if for some reason a person wanted to be certain that the Bar/Bat Mitzvah got the gift directly and entirely, it would still be good advice to give a noncash gift to your children.
I was directly disputing the claim the cash would go to the parents by that poster, which is different than being restricted by the parents. I was surprised by the assertion and was (anecdotally) giving a differrent point of view. My parents took all my bat mitzvah money. I never saw a penny. They used it to pay themselves back the cost. My kids used their money to make a big purchase (that they chose- it could have been anything, they wanted laptops) and the rest is held for them. It’s their’s and they’ll get it later.
Sorry if I misread tone (the “how nice of you” rang snarky in my head). I don’t think my post was that way off to be of no value to the conversation.
I can totally see how that happened. But I really did mean it was nice of you!
Did you deliberately misunderstand me or was I that obtuse? I mean, you didn’t really think I meant for you not to count it out at all…?
The stickler there was that I was there to see it, that they were crowing over it and complaining about people who didn’t give a lot, and saying how Uncle X “only gave $200 - he COULD have given a lot more.” Cheap and tacky.
Be happy you got the money. Count it up. Send nice thank you notes. Don’t sit there with extended family and complain about what you got and how it didn’t cover the cost of their meal. I don’t want to know and it’s a nasty thing to do.